How do i stop strangers patting DD (5) on the head?

[happyeverafterhome]

How is OK for strangers, or friends for that matter, to come up to my 5 yr old and give her bear hugs, or ruffle her hair, or tweek her cheeks? She hates it. I've told her its okay to say "no" in a strong voice, and we've practiced this, but she tends to freeze when it happens. She's blonde and blue eyed. It's even worse when on holiday in France/Italy. What to do?

It's her personal space, so it's not for anyone to enter without invitation.

From a practical perspective though, perhaps if she see's an 'incoming' person, she can offer them a high-5 instead, giving you chance to say "high 5's are her thing - she doesn't like her head/face being touched" without sounding like a paranoid loony by jumping in and screaming "don't touch her!!!" at anyone and everyone.

We live in Brazil, one of our children is blonde and green eyed. While there are plenty of blonde green eyed Brazilians he still gets people patting him on the head when we travel outside our small town. He usually takes it in his stride, but he's on the spectrum so we are never sure how he's going to react. When he is not "into" being patted he lets out a growl and shouts PARA (which means stop) in a loud voice. People usually back of when that happens . Maybe it's a trick your daughter could learn.

I have the opposite. My ds 22mo will go up to strangers and lift his arms up for a cuddle. Most people are a bit confused and disconcerted about how to respond. So to hear of strangers bear hugging and even running off with small children is very worrying. What odd behavior!?!
Really are young children meant to put up with this even if they find it upsetting?

In response to those who are mentioning grooming...you do realise that over 9 out of 10 children who are abused are abused by friends or family. Stranger danger is very rare. I'm not saying don't be aware - obviously! - but please don't see every act of contact between adults and children as potential grooming. That attitude is starting to cause problems, for example, in recent surveys the majority of men and a large percentage of women said that they would leave an injured child crying in the street rather than approach it due to risk of being accused of inappropriate behaviour by the parents. I don't have the exact percentages on me - it was something from the last module on my most recent degree - but it was above 85% of men who answered the questionnaire and the number of participants was above 6000. It made for interesting and slightly terrifying reading.

Obviously this is NOT directly in response to the OP's post. I have previously responded to that, on the first page of the thread. Personally, I was an incredibly shy child who didn't like being touched at all, or spoken to for that matter. My mom apparently explained to my grandad that it wasn't him, I was just shy (he died when I was 5, so I don't remember him unfortunately).

I get people touching me now, simply because I'm a wheelchair user. It's effing annoying and I do politely tell people not to. Children should be encouraged to be themselves and to be assertive. Some kids are natural huggers - and that's fine - while others are like me and very quiet. Both are equally fine.

DS used to get it a lot. He had the hugest chocolate curls - like ringlets - when he was little and was always getting his hair ruffled.

Asian tourists in the park were the worst - whole busloads coming and ruffling his hair. It got to the point where is he saw a tour group heading out way he would cross his arms over his head and yell 'nononononono!'. Others would tell him that they wanted to cut off his curls.

They don't now, but then he is 11.

motleyalice "I get people touching me now, simply because I'm a wheelchair user."

I'm sorry but I can't understand what connection there can be between you being a wheelchair user and people touching you. Don't get me wrong, I'm nor saying it's not happening, I'm saying it makes no sense to touch someone because they're in a wheelchair.

I've never patted the head, squeezed/pinched (!!) the cheek or, God forbid, hugged a child who I didn't know. Who are all these people doing this?? I have however, within reason, ruffled the hair of a child I knew, once I even did "this little piggy went to market" on a toddler I'd met five times and was sitting next to in a cafe for lunch as she was a dear friends grandchild. Everything within reason/context I guess.

you do realise that over 9 out of 10 children who are abused are abused by friends or family. Stranger danger is very rare

I think the point isn't that the strangers who cheekpinch/hair ruffle etc are grooming the children for abuse. As you say, that's very rare.

The problem is that if a kid says "I don't like it when people touch me" and they get the response "don't be silly, its just people being nice. Smile and put up with it", it teaches them to override their own feelings about their body out of politeness. That means they are less able to trust their instincts when someone who IS grooming them for abuse tells them "It's just me being affectionate/be a good boy/girl and don't make a fuss".

captainproton

Then you have the opposite with redheads who suffer horrible abuse

Nope.

I've red hair and as I child I was constantly stroked, ruffled and told how beautiful my hair was. Now my DS and DD get the same treatment. It was usually other kids who were horrible about my hair but the lovely, positive adult reactions meant that I grew up loving my hair. It doesn't bother my children - I think it's lovely personally, but then I don't have sensory/personal space issues. This kind of interaction can bolster a child's confidence whilst at the same time making an (usually) older person feel like someone wants to spend two minutes chatting to them.

But I do agree that if a child has expressed that they do not like it then they should be protected and a slightly older child should then be encouraged to kindly let the toucher know that they prefer not to be touched. My DB hated being hugged as a child and was taught that should a situation arise where it was likely he'd be hugged, he should promptly offer his had to be shaken instead.

Nothing wrong with a child not wanting to be touched by others. Why should she accept it quietly just because others want to do it? OP I don't know if you're already doing it but for now maybe just keep dealing with these people yourself in front of your daughter so she can get an example of how to assert herself.

My 3 dc are all blue eyed with white blonde hair and get this all the time. My daughter in particular who had long hair we can't go anywhere without comments about it. My youngest says hello to everyone, my middle one tends to growl if he doesn't like it.

I love that when we go abroad the way children are so adored, not just the blonde kids, fat, thin, everyone gets the 'children are so beautiful and precious' reaction.

If you don't like being touched say so repeatedly though we haven't found it makes any difference!

I find the assumption that people in touchy cultures will touch children regardless a bit ill-informed and stereotypical. In Brazil it is odd to great someone without at least shaking their hand, for first meetings or for a long parting two kisses is expected (on each cheek) and day to day a kiss of greeting, but that's not always expected and it's not the same rule for children. Only if the children wishes to. Most children will look at an adult and say hello (that is expected) but a simple hand shake is fine and it's even fine for them to only do the spoken greeting. My son is asked to kiss his grandparents but not required to do so. On the off days he will not, he is not forced to and no one is offended. Also a bear hug or a stranger picking up a child in Brazil would probably cause a security lock down! This behaviour I find really odd. Children can be assertive and are not expected to be meek receptors of adult touch, there is nothing wrong with a child expressing their need for personal space and I find it odd that wouldn't be case in Latin Europe as well, but I have little experience so maybe I'm wrong.

The point is, the child doesn't like it.

If she doesn't feel able to stand up to adults, then parents should do it for her.

Just intercept anyone who looks like they might touch her and say "please don't, she doesn't like it".

" I'm sorry but I can't understand what connection there can be between you being a wheelchair user and people touching you. Don't get me wrong, I'm nor saying it's not happening, I'm saying it makes no sense to touch someone because they're in a wheelchair "

Honestly - I'm still trying to figure that one out myself. I think it's a pity thing (which is damn offensive in itself), sort of "Aw, poor you (pat, pat, pat' " I've thought about growling in response ;)

Still - that is better than when people use my wheelchair as a step to reach a higher shelf in a shop - now that one makes me want to punch people. I have chucked an elbow into someone's ribs when this last happened. They had the cheek to be offended, but couldn't understand what they'd done to deserve it.

Tigermoll, I am aware of that. As I said - I didn't like being touched (or spoken to) as a child & would hide behind my mom rather than allow someone to touch me. I'd cry if someone managed to. There's a rather charming (not) photograph of me trying to get away from Santa at an estate party when I was a kid...

I was responding to a particular post that appeared to imply that people who do attempt to touch children are to be automatically regarded with suspicion. That is something I hear an awful lot and it's something that I find worrying, particularly in light of the changing way people are responding to children, as per the survey.

Hope that clarifies - sorry if it wasn't clear in the original post. In my defence, I did forget to go to bed last night