To never expect a romantic relationship to last a lifetime?

[Zorbathegeek]

I've lurked on MN a good few years, have posted here and there and now post under a different name since the email problems a while back, but here's my first OP, hope that's OK!

Having read lots and lots of threads here, I'm really interested in the expectations people have when they go into romantic relationships. In particular, it seems to me that after reading others' experiences here, I may be unusual in that I've never had any expectation that a relationship would last for the rest of my life (I've had a number of extremely happy, 'settled', long-term relationships, being rather old now). I don't have children, and this could be the reason, though I must say, if it had happed with any of them, I would have been happy.

Anyway I'm posting because I recently read a thread about people who get married knowing they won't have children, because they know that this is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I found this really interesting and it clearly seems the norm, at least here, but for me, it is personally perplexing because it's just not something I have ever felt. I really don't think I could promise to love someone forever.

Am I weird?

It's heartening to read that I'm not alone/weird! Really interesting to read the posts about being married, hoping to stay happy/in love, but being aware that things might change.

Marriage is an interesting one. I've heard people say and in MN read a number of threads in which people state things like 'he doesn't love you enough to marry you', so for many people, marriage seems to be the ultimate in commitment and love. I have never not been committed, utterly to a relationship I've been in, even going through hard times, etc., but still, 'committment' has just meant, 'committed right now', which may or may not have extended over many years. It's really interesting to read that some people do marry but acknowledge that there may be changes, etc.

I think another reason I've been thinking about this is that my current partner is much younger than me (by 14yrs) and he may well want children in the future (though he's ambivalent at present), which I won't be able to give him. It's actually forced me to think of our future, and what it may be like, and I've never done or needed to do so before. We are so happy right now and have been for five years, but since the beginning, I have wondered if I should cut my losses, break up, in anticipation of the inevitable... This would be heartbreaking, indeed, but I know, if past experience is anything to go by, that there will be other opportunities to meet other people and be happy, in a different way, or be happy alone, which would also be ok.

I'm with you OP. 3 longish term relationships. None of them lasted. I have actually decided to stay single for the time being and am enjoying it. I don't believe in forever.

Baronessvontwurzel, yes, unconditional love is what I would expect from my dog, not my partner!

I've been with dp for 18 years now- that's half of my (and his) life and I reckon we'll still be together in our dotage. Interestingly Zorba we're not married but totally committed! We're both from happily married parents, dp's have been married almost 40 years, mine were married for 28 years when she died 18 years ago. My dad hasn't had another relationship since, or at least not one significant enough to tell me about and we're close. He says that his wife died and there can never be anyone else.
I think if anything ever happened to me dp would find someone else very quickly because he's a relationship person. I wouldn't because he's an anomaly and I think I'm actually an alone person. I'm only with him because he's the best person I've ever met.

I married thinking it would be forever. Had what I thought was a very happy marriage. It ended and u now see that it wasn't "happy" but just "marriage.

It has damaged me emotionally. I will never have another relationship and I don't trust anyone.

God, that's depressing to read back!

I do think that unconditional love doesn't or at least shouldn't exist in a romantic relationship.

That would be how I feel about my kids. I can't say that dh could do something horrendous and I would still love him.

I don't think you're weird OP! Everyone is different. My DH is my high school sweetheart and with every day I love him more, could never and would never swap him for anything. I appreciate that we are a bit of a novelty, especially for our friends who are constantly unhappy, finding huge divides in their opinions of things (BIG things) and in financial difficulty etc. I think what you're after sounds perfectly reasonable and as long as you're happy - who cares what the "norm" is?

I have had 3 serious relationships and at the time I was with them they were the one. They were the one for me at that time I don't necessarily think there is only the one person for you in your life but for some their is.

Now I feel I could marry and settle but when I was young I got bored, I had more choice and wanted to experiment so no one would have been the one for long no matter how great they were it was not enough

Now is it less choice (is it only men who are as faithful as their options, as Chris Rock said and that obviously does not apply to all) or does it not interest me do I need that excitement tbh it sounds all too tiring as it takes a lot of effort

I am single but I would settle for easy and comfortable now rather than that heady rush and that all consuming relationships that I always had before something in the middle would be good to

Though if Ralph was to call

I don't believe in Happy Ever After, nor soul mates. I don't believe you marry and it's a life-long thing; some work, some don't. I married DH in the hopes of spending our lives together, but am not naive enough to imagine that's a certainty. I'm happy with him but can imagine being happy without him.

I also don't believe in making someone your world. A couple of friends are devoted to their DH's to the point of almost owning them; they need to know where they are every second of every day, they don't socialise separately or have independent hobbies. DH and I don't and couldn't live like that. If I made him the centre of my universe, at the expense of fulfilling my own hobbies and friendships, what would happen if we broke up? I'd be a thousand times more devastated because I'd built an entire world around someone who just left. Why set yourself up for that sort of hurt?

I've had 3 serious relationships.
The first, DSs dad, was my childhood sweetheart. I never thought we would be together forever, I never wanted to be married to him. We were happy and I did love him but I just always knew it wasn't forever.
The second had been one of my closest friends for 5 years before we got together. It wasn't a passionate, madly in love type thing. More companionship. We were happy and loved each other and we were comfortable with each other. And we would have got married had we not split, and I could've been with him for a long time. But I also wasn't heartbroken when we split because I don't think I was in love with him despite loving him deeply.
My most recent ex I was in love with. There is no doubt in my mind. I'm not sure I thought about being with him forever but for the duration of our relationship I never thought about my future without him in it. He's taken a lot of getting over. Still sometimes when I think about my future for a second its him I see fathering my children, watching me walk down the aisle, buying a house with me; and i have to give myself a kick because it won't be him.
As scary as it is, I hope that one day I meet someone that I'm so sure about a future with as I was with my ex.

I'm so sorry to read that, Grilledaubergines, and sorry too that you feel you'll never have another relationship. Who knows, maybe you will, if you want it at some time in the future.

The last few posts have made me think about how conscious some of our romantic choices/decisions are. Perhaps not conscious, rather that love/a relationship is a 'state of mind', something you can consciously throw yourself into, or not of course.

TimeToMuskUp I totally agree about not making someone else your world, they shouldn't be responsible for your happiness. When you say 'I married DH in the hopes of spending our lives together' - do you mean spending your lives together forever? That's exactly what I feel I have never hoped for, iyswim. In no way would it be a problem, I don't recoil from the idea one little bit, but I just have never hoped for that in the first place. On the other hand, perhaps hoping for that is no different to just not wanting something good to end right now.

So interesting to read these posts.

I can see me and OH being together for the rest of our lives but I dont think it would be impossible for us to break up either in the future because you never know what happens. However I dont think about it in a way that it will eventually happen, I rather think about growing old together and having a happy relationship. If that makes sense.

I think we are more accepting now that people have different desires and needs. I would quite happily be in a committed relationship and not live with them, I think I would prefer that as many more people are now doing

I don't think only secure people can be happy in a relationship though those who are not secure in themselves might sabotage relationships (and often attracted to like minded people) for many different reasons our needs are different I think it's about understanding yourself and accepting your partner as they are, if you wanting to change them or yourself it's unlikely to work

I think if you just expect your romantic relationship to last a lifetime you are carrying yourself up for a fall. Both parties must want it to and work at it. I would say, as others have that if I bdidnt have kids I'd have a series of relationships or probably more likely, no relationship at all. I like my own company and need lots of solitude. I'd like my marriage to last until death because we muddle along fine, we get on well and we work well as a team, bringing up our children. If it didn't work, I really don't think I'd bother having another romantic relationship, especially if my children were young.

Romantic relationships are a bit of a learning experience for me anyway as my generation is the first one that didn't have an arranged marriage. My parents have been married 45 years. They met and married within 6 weeks and had little, if anything in common. I don't think either of them would pretend it was love at first sight then or even since. The relationship was a social construct within which to bring up children. They still have little in common apart from us and live more or less separate lives in the same house. But if one is Ill, the other is around, and they go on holiday together. They rub along OK and will probably be together for the rest of their lives.

Times post reminded me that when I was 17 I had a boyfriend, whose family were quite over protective. They hated all his girlfriends.

I remember after they fell out again him telling me that they didn't matter and he would go NC for me as I was his 'entire world'. It scared the shit out of me. I never wanted to be someone's 'everything' and don't want anyone else to be my 'everything'.

I convinced him to make up with them and broke up with him a few weeks later. He couldn't grasp how suffocating he was.

I think it all depends on expectations.

In my mid 20s I was madly in love with the wrong person and it was only when it went wrong i realised I didnt want to write off having children/ being married forever (which I would have done if it has lasted). When I met dh I was in a much better place - I knew that friendship had to come first. We have been together 12 years and of course I love him romantically but his company is what I love most.

I feel much the same way. I don't plan on leaving my OH even though there isn't much of a romantic relationship any more because I have a child and he's been her step-dad since she was 18 months old, I don't want to tear her family apart again. Although there isn't much romance we are still happy and comfortable together, complement each other well etc.

I am mid twenties and I have already accepted there is no forever romance and I have had two serious relationships and obv failed but the 2nd was amicable as we accepted we went right for each other.

That initial whoosh in early relationships is amazinf tho.

God so many errors in my post, sorry!

But what makes you say the first one was a 'failure' WeeHelena? Did you get something out of it, or learn something from each other? If so, then not a failure, perhaps? I wonder if we are conditioned to think that a failed relationship is one that doesn't last.

I agree with regenerationfez that you could view any relationship as a learning experience. Even if the only thing you learn not to put up with certain behaviour.

Where did the idea of marriage come from? Staying with one person for the rest of your life? Who invented this?

Should we really be with one person for ever and should we make promises that in reality we may not be able to keep and the repeat them with another person knowing the same may happen.

I'm not sure that we should be with one person, but as we live longer, don't have to marry will society eventually find another way without marriage?

OP, I had your perspective until I met DP

sorry, posted too soon.

I was (and am? ) totally not a romantic.

Started out very low key, low expectations but then it all panned out so different from what i thought.

I feel that this long term marriage thing has sort of just happened.

If I ever lost DH or split up, I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else

It's almost like romance has crept up on me, whilst I was trying to be sophisticated and cool about love.

weehelena I agree there is no forever romance. Expecting that first thrill to last forever is unrealistic. Love can be lasting, but both parties have to want it and work at it.

If you read 19th century novels, marriage is just a social construct. The men see an attractive woman and the women have to make themselves attractive to the most financially solvent person in their class. It's about security. Romantic love as a basis for a long term relationship is a very new expectation, I think.

I thought marriage was a construct of the church to ensure children were brought up in a particular faith and asca way of forming an official family unit. Maybe it will disappear in time. However, I don't know how the state can protect people in relationships in any other way. If you say that anyone who has lived together for a certain number of years automatically has rights to inheritance etc, what happens to people who don't want to do that, and how do you determine the start of a relationship? Maybe by having Straight civil partnerships? I don't know.