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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that life won't get better?

24 replies

alphacharlie · 15/01/2016 07:56

Posted in aibu because I really think I need to be told to get a grip and get on with it.
My life seems to have been a constant stream of let downs and disappointments, don't want to out myself but I lost a parent as a child and really struggled with other horrible events in my teens and early twenties. I always got through said events by thinking life would get better, would get a good job, get married, buy a house, have dc ect Im now in my dream job although pay is not fantastic and doesn't really have that much potential to progress, can't really afford to save for mortgage and other things people my age have, just enough income to live, but after years of being unhappy in shop/hotel/ bar work, I think I'm content with this. I know that life isnt fair and its what you make of it but am really struggling atm. Remaining parent is now struggling financially at 60 and it makes me think they worked so hard their entire life and for what?
So aibu to think that my life will just be a constant stream of disappointments and worries? Please tell me I am.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 15/01/2016 08:01

Yes, you are. Flowers

How old are you? If you could do a different job for more money, would you?

timelytess · 15/01/2016 08:07

Change it.
Where are you living?
If you're in the south, moving north can help - property prices are less punishing.

Original poster
alphacharlie · 15/01/2016 08:44

I would change my job and think I would accept being unhappy in any job if the pay was worth it, but without going to university which I can't afford I think the job I'm in is probably similar to other jobs I could get with my qualifications.
I'm 30 and would take me 10+ years to save for even a low deposit, and not sure anyone would give a 40 yo with low deposit a mortgage and that's without taking into account I would like to have dc soon and the cost that children bring. I am up north already where houses are pretty cheap.
I just want to be happy again and not worry about money constantly.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/01/2016 08:49

Can you tell us what sort of field you work in?

Also...there are ways to make extra cash to get ahead and save for a mortgage if that's what you want. What part of the country are you in?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/01/2016 08:50

There are the help to buy schemes...and up North things are affordable still.

AliceScarlett · 15/01/2016 08:52

Maybe its less about changing your outside circumstances and more about changing the inside, your attitude towards things and the way you deal with things?

If you're worying a lot and not feeling happy could you access some therapy?

Ever tried mindfulness?

Owllady · 15/01/2016 08:59

You sound a bit depressed.
It's quite normal to feel sad that you lost a parent young and miss them and then worry about the other.
Can you go to the GP to talk about how you feel?

MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2016 09:00

There's a saying "every day may not be good but there is good in everyday" whether it's the bus arriving on time, a smile from a stranger, eating something you love, finding a penny, seeing two biddies holding hands. Just keep an eye out for those things that you might normally forget at the end of the day.
Happiness at work is such a big thing as you spend so much of your time there. Buying property is difficult these days, we had a boost from parents. Some people, if not going in with a partner, go in with a friend or relative.
If your job means you don't have any money for socialising, buying clothes etc then it's understandable to want to leave or get a second income. If you actually spend more than you realise you might be able to find something to put away there into a house fund

Original poster
alphacharlie · 15/01/2016 09:04

I was thinking about going to the doctors to have some kind of counselling but I think there is a long wait and am slightly embarrassed that I think I'm depressed because of money, and again couldn't afford to go private. I always thought I'd be better than this.
What is mindfulness?
I'd like to earn extra cash but would probably have to be from home if anyone has any suggestions? I did think about avon or something but the amount of work you put in really doesn't seem worth it with the minimum spend thing.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2016 09:07

Many people have depression due to finances but I think in your case you have other things on your past that could be worth addressing for you self esteem too. See a gp. Nhs can offer 6 weeks of couselling

Owllady · 15/01/2016 09:14

If you go to the GP they will tell you how long the wait is. I think I waited 8 weeks. I thought 6 weeks of counselling wouldn't be enough tbh but I got a JFDI counsellor and it worked really well. They can offer CBT or mindful courses too. I did a mindful course and it did help. I think just talking to someone will help you.

I have a book called 'mind over mood' which has exercises in that are useful. But I think any self help cbt or confidence book will help you. You just sound down but that's fixable you know :)

pinkdelight · 15/01/2016 09:18

"I would accept being unhappy in any job if the pay was worth it"

But you would still be unhappy, so the money wouldn't solve things. You sound so discontent and bleak I really feel for you, and feel like you need to do something empowering so that you can see there is hope and something more to look forward to than acceptance of unhappiness. Re. the degree, you're right to identify this as a barrier to your earning and work satisfaction potential, but wrong to discount your chances of getting one. Some of my friends in their 40s have just graduated after studying part-time, with kids - (and grandkids in one case - she left school early as a teen mum, and still has managed to turn it all around and has a whole new lease of life now). I know it's harder to countenance higher education now because of the fees, but it is still possible and in your situation really worth investigating, especially if there's something specific you'd like to do that would make you more fulfilled. Can you look into OU, distance learning, part-time courses at local colleges, whatever the first step is towards taking control of your future? Even if you feel it's hopeless, sometimes the very act of doing something makes all the difference.

MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2016 09:23

Also when I'm having it tough I think of the guy from The Pursuit of Happiness (not Will Smith, the guy it's based on) and think there is always hope and my life isn't that bad

Original poster
alphacharlie · 15/01/2016 09:25

I just can't see a way around the way I feel, I do feel so low and am so scared I'm not yet at rock bottom. I know that I might be able to solve the issues I have now, but that's going to cause other issues and my life will just be full of constant worries.
I'm also worried that this going on my medical records may have a negative impact in future.

OP posts:
AliceScarlett · 15/01/2016 09:25

Headspace is a really good mindfulness app. Or YouTube has a lot of information.

It's OK to go to your GP about being depressed about money. Google IAPT, they are a nationwide NHS service that offers CBT and counselling, the WL are not always long, 4 weeks where I am.

Owllady · 15/01/2016 09:26

What colour is your parachute? Is a good read, even if you aren't looking for a job atm

Owllady · 15/01/2016 09:28

Being depressed is normal. It doesn't matter if it's on your records. If you do nothing it will get worse, if you do something it will get better.
Ring your GP

wotoodoo · 15/01/2016 09:31

I know some people who when feeling bleak left their current job, gave up their flat and took off with a backpack and travelled a bit.

Then took part time jobs as and when they needed it and in the process of exploring the country 'found themselves'.

Some people go around the world, work seasonally, and staying at hostels means they are with like minded people on a limited budget.

If you have no dependents, and are mortgage free you could see this as blessing instead of a curse and make the most of it Smile

Gobbolino6 · 15/01/2016 09:46

Happiness isn't about what actually happens to you. Plenty of people 'have everything' but aren't as contented as others who've been through the mill.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/01/2016 10:24

People often get in the spiral..... Adverse past and current circumstancesh- understandably feel depressed... And also a symptom of depression is not being able to see a way around things.... There often IS a way around things... Become more depressed - worry about seeing doctors-impact on medical records etc... Feel more depressed and so on... Also another symptom of depression can be not wanting to do stuff...
You don't have to invest money in therapy... Get on your GP 's list! It is so common now.

There are free online resources... One therapists /psychols recommend is

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/links2.htm

cleaty · 15/01/2016 10:30

Lots of people go for counselling on the NHS. That alone is unlikely to affect jobs as it is so common. It does not have to be recorded on your medical records why, so make sure to discuss this straight off with the counsellor.

Constantly struggling financially is shit, and those who are not in the same situation, rarely understand. But a counsellor can help you look at other issues. In terms of finances, get support on the moneysavingexpert forums. People there do understand what it is like to really struggle, and can give practical advice.

cleaty · 15/01/2016 10:32

You can also do CBT online. Sorry I don't have a link, but know someone who did it online for free.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/01/2016 10:35

My DM died when I was 16 but the impact of this only really hit me years later as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with it at the time. One thing her death had done is create an abiding sense of discontent and a feeling that the world wasn't a fair place. It took quite a bit of therapy and a course of Anti-Depressants untangle my feelings.

I still get a niggling bit of "if only" dissatisfaction around issues but now I recognise it for what it is and focus on the positives instead.

wonderingsoul · 15/01/2016 10:39

I'm sorry your so Down, I can relate it really gets you down struggling and worrying.
I am desperate for a job but for what ever reason people just don't want me so iv had to start cleaning for people just to get by, robbing Peter to pay Paul as it was to.

You have a good job, this isn't said to make you ma ke you feel bad but more of this is a positive thing. I know it's so hard to keep looking for the good when you feel like your drowning but you just got to keep on swimming.
I think talking to your gp would be a good idea, maybe speaking to a job councling, some one who could possible help you further your choices and help you see how it can be done.

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