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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to this holiday

44 replies

StarChaser99 · 13/01/2016 21:03

Over Xmas my in-laws started chatting about holidays. They decided it would be nice to have a big family holiday this summer with us (plus 2yo DD), BIL and his partner. We said it sounded like a nice idea and it was all very casual and lighthearted and no details were discussed. My in laws have a habit of "making plans" like this that never materialise and so I never expected to hear any more about it.

This week I received a message from MIL saying "house booked" with a link to a website featuring a house in France and she informed me she had paid for the house for 2 weeks in the summer for everyone.

It was obviously nice for her to pay for it but I was a bit shocked that a. We had not been consulted about where we were going or staying, and b. That we had not even been asked if we were available.

As it turns out, the booking started on the exact same day we were due to fly home from a holiday with my parents (which was booked months ago and MIL knew all about). Plus we would struggle to get that much time off work back to back.

To keep the peace we decided to try and go for a long weekend during their stay and costed up some flights. However the flight was going to cost £600 (on a budget airline) for the 2 of us plus DD, which we just can't afford.

So we politely told MIL that we were sorry but it was just too expensive to go then and so we weren't going to make it. MIL is now pissed off with us!!

AIBU to think you should consult with someone (particularly when they have a small child) before booking a bloody holiday for them!

OP posts:

pictish · 14/01/2016 10:09

Yanbu - it's a foolish person indeed that books anything for someone else without consulting on dates and availability first. It was a kind and generous thing for her to do, but unfortunately not a clever one. She has caused this problem by bashing in with no thought.

Thingywotzit · 14/01/2016 10:11

This would piss me off no end too, and is the kind of thing that my pil have pulled off.

A few years ago, they invited us on their (already booked by them) holiday, a whole year in advance. We have joined them various places before and it's been fine, but this time we had a child who would've been 18mths by holiday time, and unknown to pil, we were about to ttc again. The place was proper rural, with a journey not great for a young child. We agreed that the following summer we would visit them (they live faaar away - they moved not us), and also arrange a weekend somewhere together. Fine.

When the best part of that year rolled by, we had indeed visited them, but had yet to settle on a weekend away - we mentioned it, but they didn't seem keen and had yet to find us a free weekend. Ttc had not worked out, and the needs of an 18ths old was more a reality. MY parents asked if we'd like to book a holiday with them, and we said yes. We chatted about, researched and booked a holiday, which would be happy an suitable for all of us. The holiday tastes of both sets of parents are poles apart, and we have enjoyed both in the past. But the crucial thing is that we chose and booked it together with my parents.

Mil enjoyed the next gazillion years making pa remarks, stoney silence with a proper face on at any mention of our holiday, point blank cut off at any mention of booking something with them, you get the picture. She carried on despite me breezily explaining with a smile several times our reasons. She would probably still be the same if it came up now.

Perhaps she thinks we prefer my parents to her. Well, obviously I do, but we don't. We just prefer my parent's nice habit of asking our opinion and discussing options. They can't see that the two situations are miles apart, and I think mil in particular enjoys being the 'scorned' one.

Phew, sorry, I feel better for that!

They didn't consult you OP, therefore they must realise there was a risk you couldn't/chose not to go. Unless she is outright rude to you, smile and change the subject, each time it comes up.

pictish · 14/01/2016 10:11

OP my advice? You need to talk to her. Have a reasonable discussion with her explaining everything you have said here. The dates don't suit and seeing as you weren't consulted about them, that's regrettable but not your doing.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 14/01/2016 10:21

With the holiday with my parents, I have been so (pfb) meticulous about checking the location, facilities, safety, things like that, even if we could afford it - I hate the idea of not having any control over where we were staying

^ this is because you can freely and easily communicate with your parents, your DH clearly cannot.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 14/01/2016 10:23

We just prefer my parent's nice habit of asking our opinion and discussing options. They can't see that the two situations are miles apart, and I think mil in particular enjoys being the 'scorned' one

we hear this sooooo many times don't we.

I think its about the sons and mothers not communicating and quite frankly the MIL simply wanting that control. She doesn't want to ask, communicate with her DIL she wants that old power of telling them they are doing something and son falling into line.

eloquent · 14/01/2016 10:32

YANBU.
It's bloody common sense to check dates with people you intend on booking a holiday with.

Thingywotzit · 14/01/2016 10:32

Yes Will, I agree. I don't think it is really conscious, it's just the way it is. DH is improving, but still not great at proper communication with his parents (he speaks to them often...). Mil calls us "the children", and it is said with affection, but I find it fairly telling...

OP's pil are finding out that OP and her DH are an adults who will make their own decisions.

Out of interest OP, was it you or DH or both together who told them you can't make it, and was it in person? I think together, in person works better, as you can explain your reasoning, they can read your friendly body language, they see a united front and DH can't deviate from the agreed reasoning... I think often, DHs are happy to allow mils to believe the dils have made the decisions, even though they might not say that, and they can both keep the 'perfect son' thing going.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2016 10:49

YANBU, that's mad behaviour on their part! Who does this without checking if you're free or not?!

In a very tiny way I used to get stuff like this regularly from my parents (not the booking stuff!) when they'd say to me on a Friday, or even a Saturday "Oh so and so is coming over tomorrow/this afternoon, you'll be able to come over and say hello, won't you?" often met with "Er no, I'm 100s of miles away at a friend's right now, why didn't you tell me earlier?"

After many examples of this, I used to deliberately be busy if they didn't give me enough notice. It sort of worked - I'd get a call a couple of days earlier instead of right on the weekend.

PuppyMonkey · 14/01/2016 10:53

Did you even mention possible dates etc when you had your informal discussion? Why the heck would she think it was a good idea to book something so definite?

Furiosa · 14/01/2016 10:54

Well that was daft of them!

Don't sweat it OP, their mistake not yours. Some people can only see life from their own perspective and treat others like supporting cast. I mean seriously, who books a holiday for someone else without asking about dates (especially when they are employed). How could it not cross her mind you would need to apply for holiday leave?! That's very selfish and arrogant.

LillianGish · 14/01/2016 10:59

V unreasonable on their part, but try to deal with it in a reasonable way. "We'd love to have come - I really wish you'd checked the dates with us. It was a long-standing arrangement with my parents. We'd like to try and come for a few days anyway, but it's just too expensive etc etc" I'd go for the we're just as disappointed as you are approach. They are in the wrong pure and simple, but as a very wise man once told me many years ago "Always be gracious and you'll always have the upper hand."

firesidechat · 14/01/2016 11:30

We've sometimes hired a house with our children and their families. One person looks at the options and let's the others know the choices and somehow we come to a mutual agreement about which house, where and when. No way would anyone book anything without us all being totally happy. It was silly thing for you mil to do and she is paying the price for that.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/01/2016 11:41

Silver lining is that she won't do it again :)

MamaLazarou · 14/01/2016 12:04

YANBU, it was very silly of her to book the holiday without checking which dates and location suited you.

Hope you manage to patch things up.

Original poster

StarChaser99 · 14/01/2016 12:10

No dates were discussed, except us saying that we were going on holiday with my parents in June (but I couldn't remember the exact date) which in my mind makes it even more ridiculous that she would book a holiday for June and not even consult with us.

Ferry and Eurostar aren't really an option as it's the South of France, so it would have to be a flight.

My DH told her, and it was done over the phone so maybe face to face would have been better, but we were just so taken aback by the whole thing.

Oddly with us, it's not a DiL/perfect son situation but rather the opposite. My DH gets blame for a lot of things, and I think this is all part of the "he's being awkward again" plot that we play out a lot. His (younger) DB of course is the prodigal son and MiL has already mentioned how gushing DBiL (who has no children, and no othe holiday plans) was about the whole thing!!

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/01/2016 12:17

My in laws have a habit of "making plans" like this that never materialise

Maybe her NY's resolution was "seize the day"??

A lovely thought but obviously mad. If she has any sense, she should be cross at herself.

EponasWildDaughter · 14/01/2016 12:29

Almost unanimous YANBU OP! A rare thing :)

Seriously though, your DH needs to sit down with his mum, keep everything simple and calm and tell her sorry but she's booked dates which clash with an existing holiday. Tell her that next year she'll have first dibs on dates. (My XMIL used to favor her youngest DS (my XH was the eldest) so i know what you mean there btw).

My PIL (lovely) want us to go abroad and stay in their holiday home with them. They've been hinting for so long. Last summer MIL mentioned it every single time we saw her. DH goes along with it every bloomin' time! Why he doesn't just tell his mum, sorry, but we cant afford it for the next few years i do.not.know. It would save this farce of yes yes, we'll come ... and then the disappointment for her when we never do.

WoodHeaven · 14/01/2016 12:42

Have they had a chat with DBIL aboiut the place? Just wondering if they didn't planned everything with them and just assumed you would be OK too...

Fairiesarereal · 14/01/2016 12:53

Bloody cheek! She has booked a holiday without checking whether the DATE or the LOCATION is ok with you. I guess her heart is in the right place but that is weird

Whenever we go away with our family we are forever going back and forth discussing the best place to go, dates etc and it's only when EVERYONE is agreed that it is booked.

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