to think DP is undermining me by feeding and carrying our DD?

[livvielunch]

DD is 4 and has autism. She has lots of sensory issues and I spend a lot of time trying to help her with these. Six months ago she'd struggle to even leave the house because she was so terrified of the rain, wind, dogs,cars coming towards her etc. She would fall over if someone was walking behind us. She ate three foods and only if hand fed. Now, when DP is at work she will eat around 12 foods and feed herself and is very proud of herself for doing so. She will walk outside holding my hand and cope with reassurance and preparation before journeys.

However, when DP is off work, he will carry her or put her in the pushchair at all times - even from the car to the shop/house. He does not encourage her to walk at all. She hides away in the bottom of the double pushchair she shares with her sister. He starts hand feeding her before even giving her a chance to do it herself. So today was his first day back at work after ten says annual leave and DD wouldn't walk anywhere or feed herself. It will take ages and a lot of upset to get DD back to the stage she was at, then DP will undo all DDs hard work again.

Aibu to think DD needs to be able to do these things and that he's undermining me and making things harder for DD in the long run?

Yes he is.

But he probably doesn't mean to.

Sit him down. Try to explain the problem calmly without accusations.

Explain what needs to happen from now on.

YANBU. Your DP is doing your DD no favours by deliberately trying to set her back (since you know she gets on ok when he's not at home).

I have no experience with autism but my instincts say YANBU.

You need to be a team and it sounds like his actions are making things easier short term but much harder for you in the long term.

I would have thought that consistency would be especially important for your DD too (correct me if I a wrong) and this doesn't sound helpful for her.

He knows she is so much more independent when he isn't here. He even carries her around the house I've asked how he thinks she'll ever go to school if she can't feed herself. He said maybe she shouldn't go to school. No mention of him giving up work to care for her though ...

He hasn't accepted her diagnosis, has he?

He hasn't accepted her diagnosis, has he?

This.

Were you offered Earlybird courses or similar? There are also groups for Dada (who seem to find it harder to accept diagnoses for whatever reason.)

No he hasn't but even without autism in the equation this would be undermining and irritating. He increases her upset so much.

No he hasn't but even without autism in the equation this would be undermining and irritating.

Yes of course, but ;

a) I've done the thing of painstakingly stretching a child with autism's repertoire of foods or sensory tolerances and it is a MUCH bigger source of stress (to you) when your slow hard work is undermined and (to her) when she's rushed outside her comfort zone.

And more importantly;

b) He might be doing this because of the diagnosis - As a reaction to the diagnosis (To somehow 'prove' your child 'isn't as autistic as all that', To resist the grip of autism and the attendant routines over your family life, Or some similar not-entirely-rational emotional response to the autism 'news'.)

Is it possible he accepts the diagnosis and that is why he doesn't want to push her. I don't agree with his actions at all, but maybe he is coming from a viewpoint that things are hard enough for her so he will make everything easier as much as he can.

I think it's extremely difficult for parents to know exactly what they should do to help and encourage. Courses often just talk about every child being different. They explain how awful it can be to be on the spectrum in order for parents to be sympathetic to specific needs. Your dh may be focusing on that side of things.

I think what you are doing will help long-term but some people see the diagnosis as a disability (e.g. my HV) and believe you shouldn't push children as they will develop in their own time. Maybe dh has got caught up in this way of thinking.