To think that colleagues shouldn't *immediately* take sensitive topic in conversation and talk about their own experiences?

[CheekyMaleekey]

A friend of many years died last night. She'd been involved in a freak accident, and was only 45 years old.

I'm a very private person, but felt very sad today and told two colleagues (separately). I said to the first that I was feeling upset because a friend died last night (no other detail at all) and she immediately said that a friend of hers had died two and a half years ago, and then talked about the funeral. That was then the end of the conversation as she left.

Later on I told another colleague, that a friend had died last night and that I was upset as she was relatively young. He said that a relative of his had died a couple of weeks ago, that she was 96 and it was in her sleep. They had to wait a long time for the funeral as the parlour was very busy. I then mentioned my friend again, but the subject was changed to striking junior doctors (also linked to his relative's life).

AIBU to think that they could have shown a little more interest and even sympathy? I didn't expect and hugs or anything, but a sad face would have been appreciated as I was feeling so upset.

I seem to be surrounded (at work, with friends, with family) by people who will take any conversation and immediately turn it into a discussion about them and their experiences.

AIBU or is this just normal? Thanks.

Really sorry to hear of your loss, must be so hard especially a shock at such a young age.

I think it may have been their way to try and empathise with your loss in a really cack handed way. Now I'm going to do the same! A very lovely acquaintance of mine lost her sister in a tragic car accident at a similar age not long ago. I offered condolences to her and asked how she was doing when I bumped into her at the supermarket. She started to cry and I felt so bad that I had dragged up the emotions for her in such a public place and she pretty much ran away from me. It is REALLY hard to handle the grief of someone who isn't very close to you... You either risk coming across as uncaring/self absorbed, or your sympathy starts up all the emotions for them. Either way, in a public place like work it will be awkward.

Really sorry to hear of your loss, must be so hard especially a shock at such a young age.

I think it may have been their way to try and empathise with your loss in a really cack handed way. Now I'm going to do the same! A very lovely acquaintance of mine lost her sister in a tragic car accident at a similar age not long ago. I offered condolences to her and asked how she was doing when I bumped into her at the supermarket. She started to cry and I felt so bad that I had dragged up the emotions for her in such a public place and she pretty much ran away from me. It is REALLY hard to handle the grief of someone who isn't very close to you... You either risk coming across as uncaring/self absorbed, or your sympathy starts up all the emotions for them. Either way, in a public place like work it will be awkward.

I'm really sorry about your loss. I agree that it is best to just listen really but I have done what your colleagues have but for the reasons others have stated. To show I understand and know what they are going through

Very sorry about the loss of your friend; an accidental death of someone so young is awful, and you need to talk about it to try and make sense of it.

I think most people have great difficulty talking about death, and although they are sympathetic they don't know how to express it, so they try and match the event to something that has happened in their own lives to show they have experienced your situation.

Can you get together with some mutual friends to talk about your friend, and mourn her?

How on earth can someone compare the death of a 96 year old who dies peacefully in her sleep to a 45 year old who dies of an accident. People really are very strange.

Some people are shit at sympathy. A very close relative of mine was extremely ill and I said to DH "I'm worried about her children if she dies!" and he said "Well her husband is a very good looking man, he will meet a nice woman to care for them."

WHAT!? He really meant to comfort me!

Sooty that must have been a terrible shock for you. How awful.

I did a basic counselling course years ago and this was the first thing you are taught not to do. People should just listen to you and be understanding and sympathetic not tell you their own experiences as that isn't helping at that moment of grief.

They handled it very badly.

I think that when people first hear news like that, they don't really know what to say and are giving you their own stories to say "I've lost someone too, I know how it feels".

Seriously, some of these replies are fucking weird. Colleagues sympathising by sharing their own experiences with you are "self absorbed twats playing grief olympics"?
What the fuck?

Colleagues are not friends. You say you are very private so they probably don't feel like they know you at all. You shared something, they shared back on the same topic, thats how conversation works. Then you speak again.
If you feel like everyone around you talks too much about themselves, maybe you are just difficult to talk to? Maybe you don't talk to them, leaving then to carry the conversational can?

Sometimes it's a clumsy way of showing empathy, a sort of 'I think I know how you feel a bit, you're not alone'. It is annoying though and I'm so sorry about your friend.

YANBU! I like the term grief olympics that a pp said.. People are weird OP. I can't imagine not wanting to offer some sympathy. Since I lost my dad I have been unpleasantly surprised by people. Sorry for your loss

I think YABU. They are colleagues, probably just making chit chat. I think they probably meant well.

Ludoole reading you experience about you consoling your DHs friend made me think, they were really moving and affected by his death, which could be testament to how highly he was regarded as a friend? Agreed maybe self absorbed but People have very unique reactions to learning about death.

Cheeky you must be terribly upset and shocked about your friend I must admit that I have sometimes reacted by sharing "a similar story" to show empathy. I will be more careful in future xx