playdate crisis

[80schild]

One thing that I was not prepared for when my son started school was how difficult playdates can be.

Little background. Ds has had history in the past for being naughty at school (and a bit at playdates - think spilling yoghurt on sofa and being a bit hyper generally). It is never nasty or hurtful to other kids unless someone is mean to him, more like a bit silly. Anyway, as a result he has been given the title by the other kids as being "the naughty one".

He has made a huge effort recently to not be silly and his teacher acknowledged that he had an amazing term last term and wasn't in trouble once. So things are improving. However, as his behaviour improves I was expecting people might start to invite him for playdates again - not even a sniff (slight exaggeration there ate two mothers who are amazing and have made a huge effort to get to know out family and as a result he is really compliant with them). I had all his friends over last term and now he keeps on asking "when am I going to so and so's house". It is getting really difficult making excuses to him and I am finding it difficult doing all the legwork with these mothers in continually inviting their kids over and having to put up with their children who are equally difficult in their own way.

Would I be unreasonable for suggesting to dh that maybe he should move schools to make a fresh start somewhere he won't be labelled as the naughty one and can have an opportunity to start afresh. I think it is really getting both of us down at the moment. Also if people think iabu then what should I do?

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Also don't underestimate the impact of moving schools. Dd2 moved about 6 months ago (not due to issues with friends). She has a list as long as your arm of children who she wants at her party, she settled really quickly and always has someone to play with. I have hosted a number of times but she has only had one party invite and one playdate. I don't know the parents as well, they have existing childcare swaps, best friends for ages, parent drinking buddies etc. I can see it taking at least a year to settle in to be having regular playdates. I would not recommend swapping just for playdates, but might consider if you think still has black mark at home.

One thing I would recommend though is spotting any new children and swooping in early. Also identifying maybe two children he really likes and invite them regardless of reciprocating. He might eventually be invited back or maybe their parents just don't do playdates but he can still have fun with them at your house.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Sorry black mark at school with teachers TAs etc.

[Morecheesegrommet]

My son's best friend was very manic/ADHD - not deliberately naughty but exhausting. BUT his mum knew it and I knew that whatever I did to discipline him in my house was OK by her. I never had to worry about explaining anything to her when she picked him up because I knew I had her full support.
On the other hand, a different boy came round and was incredibly rude. I knew that I could not say anything to his mum because she was blind to it. So he never came back - and I know his mum was desperately looking for friends for him.
My view has always been I don't mind naughty kids (I'm bigger,smarter and can out-manoeuvre any of them), but I do mind parents who won't parent.
My decision on inviting your son round would be based on whether my own child wanted to play with him and whether or not I could rely on you to support me if he misbehaved.
I also agree that you keep in inviting other children without being worried about reciprocating. That gives you a chance to prove to other parents that things have changed because you will get to chat to them at pick up.

[CaptainCrunch]

I don't think it's a good idea to move schools for something like this.

There's far too much emphasis on "playdates", they really should be more child led and much less because over invested parents are trying to engineer their DCs social lives.

Working in a school I see children interact daily with their peers, who they have playdates with is totally irrelevant to who they play with in school.

I understand it's giving you a headache, but please don't let it.

We're led to believe these days that if our DCs aren't socially active 24/7 from the age of about 2.5 we've failed as parents and our DCs are going to be socially isolated misfits for the rest of their lives, it simply isn't true.

[Jw35]

I'm really surprised how uptight people seem to be about having their kids friends over? Kids love it! I don't find it a 'nightmare' and don't really understand why it would be? Dc's entertained for a few hours after school? Great! I think it's even more important these days since kids don't play out alone anymore!

[WipsGlitter]

Because if you work full time it's not after school it's the weekend when you are (a) trying to chill and (b) trying to clean/cook/shop etc. It also is harder for their to be an end point whereas a school day probably comes up a natural end.

[steppemum]

can I just say that playdate does not = coming for tea!

Kids come over after school to play for a bit. I drop them home, or parent collects.

Then we eat dinner.

I do not feed kids on playdate - 1. I don't want them to stay until dinner time its too long

1. It's a pain cooking for other people's kids
   
2. they should be off playing.
   
3. I don't want you to give my child their evening meal at 5 pm either.
   

I find this playdate = dinner link really odd. Biscuit/apple and drink when they arrive, that's it.

There have been over the years several children where I was not comfortable with leaving my child at their house, but where I was quite happy to have their child at mine. So it isn't always a bad thing being the host.

[gandalf456]

I find that works well for the neighbours' kids. I can have them for short bursts and send them home if it gets too much

[saggyboobs1]

Is it worth trying to buddy up with someone in a similar predicament? If there's another child in the class who doesn't get invited out much, or perhaps is socially awkward, their parent might be keen to reciprocate.

[AnnaMarlowe]

This may be upsetting, if so I apologise- it may not be the Mum's, it may be the kids.

My children won't invite friends who are naughty in school.

I don't mind (everyone behaves at my house) but as far as they are concerned it's just not fun if they are always having to manage someone else's behaviour.

Even if they like them.

If he is doing well in class (and at parties etc) now it might just take a bit more time for that to filter through.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

Steppe it may not mean that for you but it does for the vast majority of parents I've met and whose children have been to my home and reciprocated.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

DD in in Year2 and we've not had a playdate over at ours and DD has only been on one playdate herself (she's had a small number of party invites and she had 7 girls over to our house for her party).

TBH it seems a whole load of hassle especially when they're this young. When she's 9+ and they'll play in her room and generally occupy each other, then I'm all up for it.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

No offence intended but it's been one term. It will take a while.

V little personal experience as I work FT so playdates are really not part of my children's world at all unless we have friends with kids over for a long lunch.
I would be most disinclined to invite a child over whom my child had had run in's with in the past or had visited my home and been a pita unless our children were really, very friendly.

Rather than change schools I would be more inclined to cultivate a couple of closer friendships rather than hosting random children. The rest will follow and if the parents aren't keen your son will have developed closer friendships anyway.

[iluvnettletea]

Maybe start him in a club or two. That, with your invitations and those from the two helpful mums would go quite a way. As they get older there's more homework so it might become less of an issue.

I find it really tricky too. Lots of parents want similar family arrangements, ie, only child v lots of kids, convenience, parenting style and apparently ideas about dinner. I think it's even harder if your child has any learning difficulties, not saying yours does.

I don't think you're crazy for considering changing schools but I probably wouldn't unless the play date situation is just one aspect of a bigger problem.