playdate crisis

[80schild]

One thing that I was not prepared for when my son started school was how difficult playdates can be.

Little background. Ds has had history in the past for being naughty at school (and a bit at playdates - think spilling yoghurt on sofa and being a bit hyper generally). It is never nasty or hurtful to other kids unless someone is mean to him, more like a bit silly. Anyway, as a result he has been given the title by the other kids as being "the naughty one".

He has made a huge effort recently to not be silly and his teacher acknowledged that he had an amazing term last term and wasn't in trouble once. So things are improving. However, as his behaviour improves I was expecting people might start to invite him for playdates again - not even a sniff (slight exaggeration there ate two mothers who are amazing and have made a huge effort to get to know out family and as a result he is really compliant with them). I had all his friends over last term and now he keeps on asking "when am I going to so and so's house". It is getting really difficult making excuses to him and I am finding it difficult doing all the legwork with these mothers in continually inviting their kids over and having to put up with their children who are equally difficult in their own way.

Would I be unreasonable for suggesting to dh that maybe he should move schools to make a fresh start somewhere he won't be labelled as the naughty one and can have an opportunity to start afresh. I think it is really getting both of us down at the moment. Also if people think iabu then what should I do?

[LyndaNotLinda]

Playdates with small children are a bloody nightmare 99% of the time. The kids argue, they egg one another on to do silly things and there are tears quite a lot of the time from the invited child (either because they lost at a game they're less familiar with than the host child or because they don't want to go home/want to take a toy with them).

Much better to leave until they're older and are better at managing their emotions.

In the meantime, after school clubs/extra curricular stuff is the way to go to practice social skills outside school.

[reni2]

I wouldn't worry about it too much, we have more playdates here than dc going elsewhere, many people don't do them at all. Keep doing them at your house if you are keen or meet outside.

In fact, looking at our family you might assume we are keen playdaters, far from it, most of these dates are mutually helpful childcare arrangements. Kids have no idea of course, I don't say Phil's mum will be babysitting you, I say tomorrow you go for a playdate at Phil's house.

[pocketsaviour]

If he is getting on well at school now and generally friends with kids in the playground then I think moving schools would be a very drastic step.

Are there other activities he could do out of school (cubs, football, swimming, etc) where he could meet more potential friends?

I'm not keen on the "play date" term either, it makes me cringe a bit. In my day we just called it "inviting someone round for tea"

[steppemum]

we do playdates, and my kids love them.

But the kids who come over most often are the families in our street. They do happen to go to the same school, which makes it easier, but they aren't the children my kids play with most often at school.

So they come home, have snack etc, and then say 'can I go and knock for Chloe (namechange)? They walk down the road 3 houses, and knock. Either they go in and play at Chloe's or Chloe come back to ours to play.

Chloe isn't even the same year group as dd.

This is so much easier and calmer than after school organisation. But we are lucky in that there are a lot of kids in our street, it also allows that beginnings of independence. And in the summer they are all out playing and on bikes in the road.

There is one family my kids really like form school. Both boys are lovely, same age as dd1 and dd2. But when they come over they don't play. They follow me round and want me to organise them. I find it very hard work, so they don't come over often.

[justmyview]

Very surprised how many people on here don't host playdates. We have children here regularly. They all know the rules - make as much mess as you like & tidy up together before the visitor goes home

OP - two thoughts -

• you describe your child's behaviour as "a bit silly". Perhaps you have under-estimated how it impacts on other children / their parents
  
• well done for inviting other children to your house, but did they enjoy it? If not, that may be why your DS hasn't been invited back
  

I would suggest meeting in a neutral venue eg invite another child & Mum to go to cinema / swimming / soft play with you.

[harryhausen]

Steppemum, I think if we lived in a street with lots of kids their age we would have lots of kids over all the time. We however live fairly rurally which means organising cars trips ROTC and it's not spontaneous. I wish I did have that setup, but I also love my house where it is

I have had the odd child round who wants me to do craft, painting, all sorts! We no.....go and play while I cook tea and have a coffee!

[harryhausen]

Not sure why that ROTC is there

[BitOutOfPractice]

Maybe the Reserve Officers Training Corps is trying to recruit you subliminally harry

[saggyboobs1]

My DS is also the 'naughty one' and doesn't get invited to play dates. It's tough. I also think (like PP) that being friends with other mums has a big influence on who gets invited. If you've had a classmate over a couple of times, do you feel you could ask the mum to have your DS over? Don't make a big deal of it, just say you're going to be busy one afternoon and could she take DS for you for a few hours?

[OneofTHOSEWomen]

Its the other kids turn to invite yours round now. That's how it works, don't make the effort to invite them round again if they don't reciprocate. As someone has already said, play dates are overrated. You don't need to move your DC to another school for this.

[mrspremise]

I'm in the same position, harry. I had notions of having the children's friends trooping in and out to play with each other, but we moved to the middle of nowhere (hooray) and I remembered that I'm actually quite antisocial. The kids have a mate over once in a while, that's all. OP, you are seriously considering CHANGING SCHOOLS because of a playdate crisis ? That's batshit crazy; in any case the 'playdate' flesh creeps years are thankfully short, so you should perhaps just relax about it.

[gandalf456]

With DD, I made a huge effort with playdates. She was my first, too. She did get invited back but I found that my involvement in her friendships and organising having friends round did nothing to nurture them really. She did that all by herself. What I am saying is that he will make friends anyway and contact outside of school may be a natural progression or they will just enjoy their time together in school and there's nothing wrong with that either.

I did end up having to fend off invites for DD in the end. There were certain ones who were simply too difficult to have back but I found myself being put on the spot with the mum inviting my DD back on the day in front of both children and what could I do??

Personally, with both children, I don't really like having friends round for many of the reasons stated above. The good thing about him never being invited back means that you don't have to have his friends either. You say yourself that you find it difficult and his friends are no angels either. Much easier to pop to a nearby park after school. It saves all of the awkwardness.

[Anotherusername1]

My DS is also the 'naughty one' and doesn't get invited to play dates. It's tough. I also think (like PP) that being friends with other mums has a big influence on who gets invited.

This. I worked full-time until ds was 9 so I didn't build up the friendships with other parents and didn't have time to have other kids over very often. Couple that with a naughty or sensitive dc and you get few party invites and fewer playdate invites.

A bit of yogurt-spilling doesn't sound very serious though. If the OP's child was constantly throwing chairs at people or something similar the other parents might have a reason not to invite. These sorts of misdemeanours sound very tame - the local parents must be very precious. Do you live where I live? Totally Stepford children around here! Apparently anyway.

But OP you say there are two mothers who do make an effort for you. Do you need more than two? Just cultivate them :)

[Goingtobeawesome]

As a mum who has had to move her child to three primary schools please do not move him because some people are unaware that some seven year olds can be a bit silly!!

[lucy101101]

Hi there, I wonder if you are minimising your son's (past?) behaviour? I only say this as there is one child I found so exhausting when he came to play that I really just can't invite him for a while now. He also was extremely challenging in his own home when my DS and I were invited there. I am very aware that his mother almost pretended that the behaviours weren't happening as obviously she found them challenging too and didn't want to/couldn't deal with them.

[BearsAndAngels]

How about suggesting a meet up after school at a park, softplay or swimming with a couple of his friends?

With my DCs more 'boisterous' friends I tend to meet or take them somewhere they can really let off steam. It would also give you a chance to chat with the other mum.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

We don't really do playdates with DCs from school. Similar to a PP, the playdates seem to reflect the parents' friendships rather than the DCs and I know I'm guilty of that too. Our only playdates are with the NDN's DCs and with DCs whose parents I like and know well. And, even with the latter, we always arrange to go to a park or soft play. We don't host at home.

Try not to worry or panic about it. If you enjoy hosting and your DC enjoys his friends coming to his house then keep hosting them. I wouldn't worry about keeping a tally unless your DC is getting upset about it.

[namechangedtoday15]

I'm sorry, I might sound harsh but if a child came for a playdate and spilled yoghurt on the sofa on purpose, I wouldn't be inviting him again. Sorry if that sounds a bit brutal - thats not (imo) being a bit silly - its a disrespect of other people's property. Not acceptable and I'd have been livid with my DS for doing that and grovelling to the other parent with my apology. When you say other children have behaved equally badly, what have they done?

I don't think moving schools is the answer - you need to be patient with demonstrating to other parents that he has improved. You need to arrange playdates / meetings / a party maybe where parents stay and see that he can behave. If its only one term of improvement, the message from other children that he's not the naughty any more might not have filtered through.

[radiohelen]

What Bears said... arrange an out of school meet up. Having two quite large children cannoning round your house is too much for some mummies so take it elsewhere.
I don't mind people not inviting ds round to play because I understand if you have more than one child or you work odd hours it's difficult. However I do think that if your kid has been to mine a couple of times in a term (and I have provided free childcare) it's polite to perhaps offer at least one reciprocation of some kind! McD's trip, to the park, cinema, stuff like that. That might just be me though....

[UsedtobeFeckless]

God OP you sound like me years ago although with me it was DS1's unwillingness to hang out with other kids out of school that was giving me sleepless nights!

Don't move and try not to worry - as loads of people have already said, play dates can be grim and lots of parents don't do them for all sorts of reasons ... If your son has mates at school he'll be getting lots of social interaction there and you can invite other kids out with you - if he is nagging to go round to someone's house just brush it off cheerfully and change the subject.
DS2's best mate at Middle School was always saying he could come round then changing his mind because his parents had other ideas - at the time it was a real pain as DS2 used to get really needy about it, but it does pass! Once they start organising their own social lives it's a huge relief ...

As other posters pointed out too the parents friendships are a huge factor in who gets asked where ... DS2 had a mate who was the absolute poster boy for chaos and misrule but he was round ours all the time as his mum was a mate of mine and came round for wine and gossip - otherwise he'd have never darkened my doors again after he poured orange juice into the CD player!

[Viviennemary]

I agree that a lot of people will be just getting themselves together after Christmas. Sorting out house and being back at work and so on. DS had some friends who were a bit of a pain but I still had them for tea. It's part of the parenting process. He was very fussy about food so he was a pain as well.

[ceebie]

My DD has not been labelled as naughty, yet there are quite a few children we have invited over for playdates and yet not had any return invites. Seems a lot of parents are happy for the effort to be one-sided, this may not have anything to do with your child's behaviour! I just concentrate on the playdates with children whose parents have a similar attitude to me - I don't count exactly whose turn it is, as long as things seem roughly fair and there is some level of willing on both sides.

Be honest with your son - say that not everyone else is as good at inviting people to their house as he is. It is up to you/him whether you still want to invite them to yours anyway, despite the lack of return invitations, or just build the relationships with the two families who have made the effort.

I would not change schools. Then he will be the 'new boy' and the other children will have already formed friendships so it could still be hard for him.

Don't let it get you down. Does he have activities / clubs outside school? With one or two after-school clubs, we have little time for playdates as well, and we really only have time for one or two here and there - I am amazed that you have enough time and energy to invite so many people over!!!

Chin up. Tell him how proud you are of him. And the other children will forget that he was ever 'the naughty one' in no time. Do other children play with him at break time? That would be the most important thing for me.

[Katedotness1963]

First of all, play dates are a nightmare! Play dates aren't for the parents though, they're for the kids. We've always been in the situation where it hasn't been a matter of playing with other kids in the street, their school friends have always been spread out so organised play dates were needed.

We are the play date family. I've been a SAHM in a lot of working mums so it made sense for me to have the kids at ours. We've always done the lions share of entertaining. Even now that our boys are teenagers their friends hang out here more than at the other homes with one family never having them over or hosting the sleepovers.

I would not change schools, not when he's settling down. I would think that if other parents are happy for their child to come to yours it's not a problem with your child, the other parents just don't/can't host.

[Kryptonite]

This thread's crazy. Thinking of swapping schools because ds doesn't get invited to houses for tea very much?!
another one who can't bring themselves to type that bloody stupid word
I have two young children as well, and all I can say is being invited for tea or not really isn't such a big deal that you'd consider swapping schools over it!

[nellyflora]

I really struggle to find time for play dates. With 3 children and after school activities 4 nights a week plus me working I can only offer the odd Friday. It appears most people don't do Friday's. I also noticed that play dates are often between children if the mums are friends. My oldest is now 8 and the children have very much friends they picked so the mummy friends play dates have died out ( some very big child fall outs in the class). Honestly don't move school just focus on his best friends have them over and best friend will nag for a return visit normally. I do maybe one play date per half term, I know some who do none due to work it's not really a big deal.