playdate crisis

[80schild]

One thing that I was not prepared for when my son started school was how difficult playdates can be.

Little background. Ds has had history in the past for being naughty at school (and a bit at playdates - think spilling yoghurt on sofa and being a bit hyper generally). It is never nasty or hurtful to other kids unless someone is mean to him, more like a bit silly. Anyway, as a result he has been given the title by the other kids as being "the naughty one".

He has made a huge effort recently to not be silly and his teacher acknowledged that he had an amazing term last term and wasn't in trouble once. So things are improving. However, as his behaviour improves I was expecting people might start to invite him for playdates again - not even a sniff (slight exaggeration there ate two mothers who are amazing and have made a huge effort to get to know out family and as a result he is really compliant with them). I had all his friends over last term and now he keeps on asking "when am I going to so and so's house". It is getting really difficult making excuses to him and I am finding it difficult doing all the legwork with these mothers in continually inviting their kids over and having to put up with their children who are equally difficult in their own way.

Would I be unreasonable for suggesting to dh that maybe he should move schools to make a fresh start somewhere he won't be labelled as the naughty one and can have an opportunity to start afresh. I think it is really getting both of us down at the moment. Also if people think iabu then what should I do?

[iluvnettletea]

Maybe start him in a club or two. That, with your invitations and those from the two helpful mums would go quite a way. As they get older there's more homework so it might become less of an issue.

I find it really tricky too. Lots of parents want similar family arrangements, ie, only child v lots of kids, convenience, parenting style and apparently ideas about dinner. I think it's even harder if your child has any learning difficulties, not saying yours does.

I don't think you're crazy for considering changing schools but I probably wouldn't unless the play date situation is just one aspect of a bigger problem.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

No offence intended but it's been one term. It will take a while.

V little personal experience as I work FT so playdates are really not part of my children's world at all unless we have friends with kids over for a long lunch.
I would be most disinclined to invite a child over whom my child had had run in's with in the past or had visited my home and been a pita unless our children were really, very friendly.

Rather than change schools I would be more inclined to cultivate a couple of closer friendships rather than hosting random children. The rest will follow and if the parents aren't keen your son will have developed closer friendships anyway.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

DD in in Year2 and we've not had a playdate over at ours and DD has only been on one playdate herself (she's had a small number of party invites and she had 7 girls over to our house for her party).

TBH it seems a whole load of hassle especially when they're this young. When she's 9+ and they'll play in her room and generally occupy each other, then I'm all up for it.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

Steppe it may not mean that for you but it does for the vast majority of parents I've met and whose children have been to my home and reciprocated.

[AnnaMarlowe]

This may be upsetting, if so I apologise- it may not be the Mum's, it may be the kids.

My children won't invite friends who are naughty in school.

I don't mind (everyone behaves at my house) but as far as they are concerned it's just not fun if they are always having to manage someone else's behaviour.

Even if they like them.

If he is doing well in class (and at parties etc) now it might just take a bit more time for that to filter through.

[saggyboobs1]

Is it worth trying to buddy up with someone in a similar predicament? If there's another child in the class who doesn't get invited out much, or perhaps is socially awkward, their parent might be keen to reciprocate.

[gandalf456]

I find that works well for the neighbours' kids. I can have them for short bursts and send them home if it gets too much

[steppemum]

can I just say that playdate does not = coming for tea!

Kids come over after school to play for a bit. I drop them home, or parent collects.

Then we eat dinner.

I do not feed kids on playdate - 1. I don't want them to stay until dinner time its too long

1. It's a pain cooking for other people's kids
   
2. they should be off playing.
   
3. I don't want you to give my child their evening meal at 5 pm either.
   

I find this playdate = dinner link really odd. Biscuit/apple and drink when they arrive, that's it.

There have been over the years several children where I was not comfortable with leaving my child at their house, but where I was quite happy to have their child at mine. So it isn't always a bad thing being the host.

[WipsGlitter]

Because if you work full time it's not after school it's the weekend when you are (a) trying to chill and (b) trying to clean/cook/shop etc. It also is harder for their to be an end point whereas a school day probably comes up a natural end.

[Jw35]

I'm really surprised how uptight people seem to be about having their kids friends over? Kids love it! I don't find it a 'nightmare' and don't really understand why it would be? Dc's entertained for a few hours after school? Great! I think it's even more important these days since kids don't play out alone anymore!

[CaptainCrunch]

I don't think it's a good idea to move schools for something like this.

There's far too much emphasis on "playdates", they really should be more child led and much less because over invested parents are trying to engineer their DCs social lives.

Working in a school I see children interact daily with their peers, who they have playdates with is totally irrelevant to who they play with in school.

I understand it's giving you a headache, but please don't let it.

We're led to believe these days that if our DCs aren't socially active 24/7 from the age of about 2.5 we've failed as parents and our DCs are going to be socially isolated misfits for the rest of their lives, it simply isn't true.

[Morecheesegrommet]

My son's best friend was very manic/ADHD - not deliberately naughty but exhausting. BUT his mum knew it and I knew that whatever I did to discipline him in my house was OK by her. I never had to worry about explaining anything to her when she picked him up because I knew I had her full support.
On the other hand, a different boy came round and was incredibly rude. I knew that I could not say anything to his mum because she was blind to it. So he never came back - and I know his mum was desperately looking for friends for him.
My view has always been I don't mind naughty kids (I'm bigger,smarter and can out-manoeuvre any of them), but I do mind parents who won't parent.
My decision on inviting your son round would be based on whether my own child wanted to play with him and whether or not I could rely on you to support me if he misbehaved.
I also agree that you keep in inviting other children without being worried about reciprocating. That gives you a chance to prove to other parents that things have changed because you will get to chat to them at pick up.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Sorry black mark at school with teachers TAs etc.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Also don't underestimate the impact of moving schools. Dd2 moved about 6 months ago (not due to issues with friends). She has a list as long as your arm of children who she wants at her party, she settled really quickly and always has someone to play with. I have hosted a number of times but she has only had one party invite and one playdate. I don't know the parents as well, they have existing childcare swaps, best friends for ages, parent drinking buddies etc. I can see it taking at least a year to settle in to be having regular playdates. I would not recommend swapping just for playdates, but might consider if you think still has black mark at home.

One thing I would recommend though is spotting any new children and swooping in early. Also identifying maybe two children he really likes and invite them regardless of reciprocating. He might eventually be invited back or maybe their parents just don't do playdates but he can still have fun with them at your house.

[nellyflora]

I really struggle to find time for play dates. With 3 children and after school activities 4 nights a week plus me working I can only offer the odd Friday. It appears most people don't do Friday's. I also noticed that play dates are often between children if the mums are friends. My oldest is now 8 and the children have very much friends they picked so the mummy friends play dates have died out ( some very big child fall outs in the class). Honestly don't move school just focus on his best friends have them over and best friend will nag for a return visit normally. I do maybe one play date per half term, I know some who do none due to work it's not really a big deal.

[Kryptonite]

This thread's crazy. Thinking of swapping schools because ds doesn't get invited to houses for tea very much?!
another one who can't bring themselves to type that bloody stupid word
I have two young children as well, and all I can say is being invited for tea or not really isn't such a big deal that you'd consider swapping schools over it!

[Katedotness1963]

First of all, play dates are a nightmare! Play dates aren't for the parents though, they're for the kids. We've always been in the situation where it hasn't been a matter of playing with other kids in the street, their school friends have always been spread out so organised play dates were needed.

We are the play date family. I've been a SAHM in a lot of working mums so it made sense for me to have the kids at ours. We've always done the lions share of entertaining. Even now that our boys are teenagers their friends hang out here more than at the other homes with one family never having them over or hosting the sleepovers.

I would not change schools, not when he's settling down. I would think that if other parents are happy for their child to come to yours it's not a problem with your child, the other parents just don't/can't host.

[ceebie]

My DD has not been labelled as naughty, yet there are quite a few children we have invited over for playdates and yet not had any return invites. Seems a lot of parents are happy for the effort to be one-sided, this may not have anything to do with your child's behaviour! I just concentrate on the playdates with children whose parents have a similar attitude to me - I don't count exactly whose turn it is, as long as things seem roughly fair and there is some level of willing on both sides.

Be honest with your son - say that not everyone else is as good at inviting people to their house as he is. It is up to you/him whether you still want to invite them to yours anyway, despite the lack of return invitations, or just build the relationships with the two families who have made the effort.

I would not change schools. Then he will be the 'new boy' and the other children will have already formed friendships so it could still be hard for him.

Don't let it get you down. Does he have activities / clubs outside school? With one or two after-school clubs, we have little time for playdates as well, and we really only have time for one or two here and there - I am amazed that you have enough time and energy to invite so many people over!!!

Chin up. Tell him how proud you are of him. And the other children will forget that he was ever 'the naughty one' in no time. Do other children play with him at break time? That would be the most important thing for me.

[Viviennemary]

I agree that a lot of people will be just getting themselves together after Christmas. Sorting out house and being back at work and so on. DS had some friends who were a bit of a pain but I still had them for tea. It's part of the parenting process. He was very fussy about food so he was a pain as well.

[UsedtobeFeckless]

God OP you sound like me years ago although with me it was DS1's unwillingness to hang out with other kids out of school that was giving me sleepless nights!

Don't move and try not to worry - as loads of people have already said, play dates can be grim and lots of parents don't do them for all sorts of reasons ... If your son has mates at school he'll be getting lots of social interaction there and you can invite other kids out with you - if he is nagging to go round to someone's house just brush it off cheerfully and change the subject.
DS2's best mate at Middle School was always saying he could come round then changing his mind because his parents had other ideas - at the time it was a real pain as DS2 used to get really needy about it, but it does pass! Once they start organising their own social lives it's a huge relief ...

As other posters pointed out too the parents friendships are a huge factor in who gets asked where ... DS2 had a mate who was the absolute poster boy for chaos and misrule but he was round ours all the time as his mum was a mate of mine and came round for wine and gossip - otherwise he'd have never darkened my doors again after he poured orange juice into the CD player!

[radiohelen]

What Bears said... arrange an out of school meet up. Having two quite large children cannoning round your house is too much for some mummies so take it elsewhere.
I don't mind people not inviting ds round to play because I understand if you have more than one child or you work odd hours it's difficult. However I do think that if your kid has been to mine a couple of times in a term (and I have provided free childcare) it's polite to perhaps offer at least one reciprocation of some kind! McD's trip, to the park, cinema, stuff like that. That might just be me though....

[namechangedtoday15]

I'm sorry, I might sound harsh but if a child came for a playdate and spilled yoghurt on the sofa on purpose, I wouldn't be inviting him again. Sorry if that sounds a bit brutal - thats not (imo) being a bit silly - its a disrespect of other people's property. Not acceptable and I'd have been livid with my DS for doing that and grovelling to the other parent with my apology. When you say other children have behaved equally badly, what have they done?

I don't think moving schools is the answer - you need to be patient with demonstrating to other parents that he has improved. You need to arrange playdates / meetings / a party maybe where parents stay and see that he can behave. If its only one term of improvement, the message from other children that he's not the naughty any more might not have filtered through.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

We don't really do playdates with DCs from school. Similar to a PP, the playdates seem to reflect the parents' friendships rather than the DCs and I know I'm guilty of that too. Our only playdates are with the NDN's DCs and with DCs whose parents I like and know well. And, even with the latter, we always arrange to go to a park or soft play. We don't host at home.

Try not to worry or panic about it. If you enjoy hosting and your DC enjoys his friends coming to his house then keep hosting them. I wouldn't worry about keeping a tally unless your DC is getting upset about it.

[BearsAndAngels]

How about suggesting a meet up after school at a park, softplay or swimming with a couple of his friends?

With my DCs more 'boisterous' friends I tend to meet or take them somewhere they can really let off steam. It would also give you a chance to chat with the other mum.

[lucy101101]

Hi there, I wonder if you are minimising your son's (past?) behaviour? I only say this as there is one child I found so exhausting when he came to play that I really just can't invite him for a while now. He also was extremely challenging in his own home when my DS and I were invited there. I am very aware that his mother almost pretended that the behaviours weren't happening as obviously she found them challenging too and didn't want to/couldn't deal with them.