playdate crisis

[80schild]

One thing that I was not prepared for when my son started school was how difficult playdates can be.

Little background. Ds has had history in the past for being naughty at school (and a bit at playdates - think spilling yoghurt on sofa and being a bit hyper generally). It is never nasty or hurtful to other kids unless someone is mean to him, more like a bit silly. Anyway, as a result he has been given the title by the other kids as being "the naughty one".

He has made a huge effort recently to not be silly and his teacher acknowledged that he had an amazing term last term and wasn't in trouble once. So things are improving. However, as his behaviour improves I was expecting people might start to invite him for playdates again - not even a sniff (slight exaggeration there ate two mothers who are amazing and have made a huge effort to get to know out family and as a result he is really compliant with them). I had all his friends over last term and now he keeps on asking "when am I going to so and so's house". It is getting really difficult making excuses to him and I am finding it difficult doing all the legwork with these mothers in continually inviting their kids over and having to put up with their children who are equally difficult in their own way.

Would I be unreasonable for suggesting to dh that maybe he should move schools to make a fresh start somewhere he won't be labelled as the naughty one and can have an opportunity to start afresh. I think it is really getting both of us down at the moment. Also if people think iabu then what should I do?

[notenoughbottle]

I wouldn't change his school just because of this. If he's had a good term it could really set him back. Too many parents put too much emphasis on after school social activities being the measure of a successful school experience and they're not. My son has never been invited for tea in the whole year he's been at his new school but it doesn't affect his learning experience or that of his ability to make and sustain friendships within that environment.

[Goodbetterbest]

Play dates are not compulsory and over-rated.

Yogurts should be eaten at the table.

Only ask kids over who's mums you like, so they come too and have coffee/wine with you.

My DS is life-long friends with 'the naughty boy'. They are at high school now and I love him and their friendship. But he is a bugger though.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Ds has been to very few play dates (just two families, and only one of those more than once) and it is very hard to get his friends around here (although easier than him going anywhere). He has never been in trouble at school, he is well behaved in the playground and at parties where everyone comments on his manners. His closest friends don't seem to host play dates, other families are old friends and tend to socialise together then wider out he isn't as friendly with their dc. It is hard as his older sisters have lots of friends to play with out of school so I end up rationing their play dates too so maybe 2 friends each instead of 3. I guess I am trying to say that even if you move the play date situation might not improve.

[Only1scoop]

I wouldn't dream of moving schools over this.

We aren't big play 'daters' only ever had one or two.

Relax a little with it all. Don't be so fraught about inviting all his friends and worrying about return offers. To be honest dd is similar age and other than the odd one in the holidays we don't play date generally. She has after school stuff three days a week and with work it would be impossible.

[miraclebabyplease]

I am a teacher and have a child with behavioural issues. Unfortunately, theyare tired of that child and have lost all trust. Are there any children he is best friends with? If not, i would contemplate giving your son a fresh start somewhere else.

[Only1scoop]

Yes agree yoghurts at the table

Damage limitation and all that

[gamerchick]

Well they're not compulsory, I would rather grate my face off. Moving house is a bit drastic isn't it?

If he's happy at school and if you insist on these things then just host them yourself. It doesn't have to be in other people's houses does it?

[harryhausen]

I definitely wouldn't move schools. I'm sure it will gradually change.

My dd is in y6 and really popular (not boasting. I see it myself plus teachers tell me at school etc) BUT she still likes to be a bit of a loner and her own person. I think she has had maybe 3 'play dates' in her whole primary lifetime. When she got to 9yrs we had a few birthday sleepover invites which were fab but she definitely wasn't at others houses all the time.

Same with my ds who is 8. He's a popular boy at school but hardly ever has play dates. To be honest I don't invite much and he doesn't go back. He was invited to one sleepover birthday which he loved and has been to some great birthday parties but no real 'hanging out'.

They both do Scouts and cubs and do lots of extra curricular stuff. We also have an old group of friends that we hang out with for a day or so at holiday times but honestly this is because the mums are all friends really.

I spent lots of time hanging out with friends as a child but in all honesty, I was a lot older (secondary school).

I really wouldn't worry. I find playdates exhausting. Don't be fooled by the idea that everyone else is always hanging out together. Facebook can be a false thing. I have friends from different schools who used to have an abundance of playdates arranged and got themselves into lots of awkward situations with playground politics, friendship issues and bullying etc.

Best stay out if it. Your ds will be fine

[MoMoTy]

While his behaviour is not bad, it was naughty and maybe parents just don't want it in their home. Have you tried asking to meet in neutral places like the park? I think it's still early though in the term, and people might just be busy.

[yankeecandle4]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if he has turned over a new leaf then moving schools is not a crazy idea.
My dn was labelled as a "naughty" child fairly early on in school. She had to attend a special class for children with behavioural issues once a week. She wasn't bad, more was very vocal in class, didn't like to receive instructions and would put others' work down. She was an only child and her parents didn't believe in "breaking her spirit".

Fast forward two years and she has really come on. However a teacher in the school told me that until this day she still has a "mark" on her name. These things can be very hard to shift. I wouldn't move him just because he isn't getting invited (as that may be completely unrelated) but if you feel he has a bad reputation then i would.

[harryhausen]

Of course OP, if his naughty 'label' is affecting the whole of his school life then think again.

[fidel1ne]

Are there any children he is best friends with? If not, i would contemplate giving your son a fresh start somewhere else.

This.

[MTPurse]

What is the big importance of having him go to other peoples houses? I can't even type the words PD

[mrsmegavator]

I hate the word 'playdate'... it makes me feel uncomfortable in a way I can't describe

[unhelpful]

[fidel1ne]

Me too mrsm.

[mouldycheesefan]

I tend not to invite 'hyper' kids round! Not very relaxing.
Re the spilling of the yoghurt on th sofa, I don't allow yoghurt eating on the sofa but it depends whether it was accidental or deliberate or just silly carelessness. If it was deliberate chucking yoghurt about I doubt I would invite that child again, there are 29 other kids in the class I could invite who are easier to have round and don't ruin my sofa. Sorry.

[Ragwort]

I honestly think some parents just aren't as interested in organising 'playdates' for their children as others are - and neither way is 'right' or 'wrong'.
I used to arrange loads of 'playdates' for my DS - mainly because he is an only child and it was a cheap and easy lovely way for him to be entertained. However he didn't get that many invites back - I can appreciate that busy families find it harder to organise etc.

I think it's just a part of understanding that people do things differently - just as adults some of us do loads of organising and arranging of events and some do very little - that's life. .

[HPsauciness]

I do about two a half term max, I'm working full time and effectively have to take time off to supervise them.

I would concentrate on one or two good friends of his, and continue to ask those children over to yours, rather than spread out over all friends many of whom aren't so close and so they won't invite back.

Don't get too hung up on getting invited back, my dd has one child over who has never invited back, I have no idea why, the mum is lovely, but they all work and have intensive hobbies and I suspect they don't have time- that's fine with me.

I don't believe in tit for tat, just invite your child's friends over if you like them and it's fun to do that and any invites back are a bonus.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I was never that into inviting other kids round either. I think you need to unclench a bit. And when he asks say "Perhsp the parents are busy. Or at work. Or not well." Or 100 other reasons- which are all probably the truth. You're over thinking this and making it into a big deal - and it really isn't

[BitOutOfPractice]

The title of your thread certainly indicates that you are placing way too much importance on this - it's not a crisis. That's silly.

And changing schools? Really? That's a massive over reaction I'm afraid

[sparkleglitterdaisy]

I wouldn't move schools . Although I hate it when children are labelled . I would just carry on having play dates at your house - don't wait for the taking turns as many people don't like having them . Eventually he'll start being asked back . Especially if you offer a coffee/chat with Mum & become friends . Our regular play dates are always with the children whose parents I'm friends with .

[M48294Y]

Ah, I am SO glad I don't live in this ghastly world of playdates any more! .

They are indeed a chore for some parents. I used to get so exasperated by my dd's friend's parents inviting her round all the time as I kept feeling I had to reciprocate.

I found it very hard to have some children in the house (am not keen on children) ... one of ds's friends came over and basically whined and whined until I had set up Mouse Trap for them to play (takes about half an hour to set the fucking game up, that one) and then lost interest after the second roll of the dice. Grrrrrrr. Never invited him again.

[Floggingmolly]

If you're still getting "pointed remarks" about his behaviour from other parents, it must be based on something? They're hardly still commenting on behaviour last seen a year ago...!

[HPsauciness]

I also think sometimes playdates with boisterous or 'silly' children are set up to fail. Your son is doing really well at school and is managing to sit on his impulsivity there, but needs somewhere to let it out. If he goes around to someone else's house after school, chances are he may bounce off furniture or not be as 'good' as at school- but this is perfectly normal! I would go to the park after school for a run around, there may be other children from his school there, and invite the odd really good friend over if he wants that.

[shebird]

Surely it is more important that your DS has settled in at school and is progressing well. Why would you want to risk the upset of moving schools because of a few play dates?

Is your DS involved in any activities outside school? Perhaps he could join some clubs as a way to meet some new friends with out the naughty one reputation.

I personally hate play dates and try to avoid them at all costs. I work and both DDs do a lot of extra curricular stuff so between this and homework we just don't have a lot of time for them.