AIBU to avoid PIL until the baby is 5...

[FloLarkin]

I am 12 weeks pregnant and have been throwing up for three weeks straight. I've been signed off work for two weeks and am absolutely wiped out - I've been up at 3am everyday and so nearly dead on my feet by 3pm - never been so tired in my life and I look as bad as I feel.

Was at my IL's last night briefly - they are the kind of people who talk AT you, rather than to you - they talk over you if you try to respond and will argue with you: MIL asked how I was feeling - I mentioned that I was quite tired and therefore being a bit clumsy - she immediately said "well that's nothing to do with pregnancy we all do that" and ploughed on with her talking at us (usually about people we don't know)

In spite of this and feeling awful, I nodded along politely and made the right noises of agreement (all they allow in terms of response) and after a while we went home

I now find out that they cornered DH and asked him what was the matter with me as there was clearly something "very wrong" as I was "acting spacey"

DH told them that, as we said at the time, I was just very tired. I had done a 4 hour round trip commute that day, after being up since 3am and a full day's work and it was around 8pm at the time....

They carried on with their drama that there's something "wrong" with me so DH told them it doesn't help when they both talk at people at the same time without allowing them to get a word in. He said it was OTT especially when I've told them I'm knackered so what do they expect me to do?
He also said that MIL probably shouldn't say "you've put on weight!" The second I walk in.

Cue FIL saying "oh it's our fault is it?!" and the two of the creating massive drama out of it, I must be depressed, they will help me with the shopping and "pop round" and basically making out that their feelings are hurt and there's something "wrong" with me.

AIBU to be furious? I didn't even bloody respond to the weight comment FFS!

They don't sound very nice folks to be fair and I am being kind. I used to do three hour commute in my first pregnancy and I know I did not even want to nod my head after that. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Most of the times. Hey have clearly forgotten how their own pregnancy was.
But to be honest, if they offer to help in some way, Do come up with some kind of things like essential shopping for the house, making food in advance before baby arrives and of course giving you some time after baby is here. They should give their fair share of help after sucking your energy . I hope people don't call me mean. By make the lists of work yourself and give them the job rather than letting them decide what to do.

It's hard, because they really aren't toxic or poisonous (I have had my fair share of those) - they really aren't: it's just like they have no clue; like being on a totally different planet but also I think they are both very bored - the drama and the being OTT all the time I think is purely because they're excited to be speaking to anyone other than each other.

its sad because I totally agree with the poster who said they will bring the limited contact on themselves - we've already had to make sure we never share a car with them because they refuse to ever be on time for anything - once they were visiting a relative with small kids on a Sunday - they turned up an hour and a half late, without calling as they don't own a mobile, and then were telling everyone for days afterwards that the relatives acted 'weird' and 'short' with them and they didn't even get to see the kids as they had been put to bed. Of course they had! It was a Sunday night and past their bedtime! I think they actually love feeling affronted more than anything else!

Urghhh comments about weight gain. Charming. My step- FIL said something g about how 'tubby' I was at 3 months after losing 10 lbs due to throwing up endlessly. I was a size 10.

I asked him how many kids he was expecting as due to the size of him he must be carrying quads.

Avoid! Lock the doors... maybe move and change you'd name while you're at it

Don't tell me about it!

MIL's "You've gained weight comment!" was actually just a conversation starter for her to start talking about her own weight, naturally.

I said "thanks" with a hard stare but she was already prattling in about herself so barely even registered that is responded, let alone that her comment went down like a bucket of sick.

They sound so much like my MIL, talks at you and if you try and speak/reply whatever what you've said will be shot down instantly. I've given up trying to hold a two-way conversation now and just smile and nod and occasionally do an 'mmm hmm' agreement noise.

I don't think you're being unfair in wanting to avoid them especially when you're feeling so awful. It's a time you need to be looked after and not have people make it all about them.

Happy to hear your DH has your back, he sounds like an excellent support

I hope you feel better soon!

Just think what kind of GPs they'll make! I'm shuddering on your behalf. Tactlessness and insensitivity are toxic and poison of the PA kind.

There's this island near the North Pole called Spitsbergen....

Yes, go on a long holiday until your dc are at least 18yo.

Just one thing, have you had your iron levels checked?

With dd1 I was so tired that getting up exhausted me to the point I needed to lie down!
I assumed it was just usual pregnancy tiredness.
Then they checked my iron, and it was so low they'd have done a blood transfusion if I hadn't been pregnant. A week of iron tablets and I felt totally different.

Witchend my mum has said the exact same thing re iron!
I told my midwife that I have fairly low iron anyway (enough for me, but I can't give blood) and she said the blood tests would show a problem if there is one but I haven't heard back - think I will ring and see if she can tell me the results

schlong I've always known they will be difficult grandparents - they complicate most things they get involved with - the suggestion for help with shopping for example, is hilarious. Neither cooks so they would need such a specific list that I could have done it myself online in the same time. Plus I would be reminded (by them) of how much they have helped me out so many times that it would up my stress levels if anything!
So I don't expect they will be the kind of grandparents who will muck in or who will be useful in an emergency - BUT for the sake of my DH I will give them every opportunity to be awesome GPs, if they choose to not to use the opportunities that's up to them

Move house, quick! They'll be the sort of ILs who come round to "help" and then expect you to make them a cuppa and a sandwich, while they sit with their feet up criticising the state of the house!

Run. Far and fast.

Re. your iron levels - are you taking a supplement yet? Get on it straight away, not just iron, take a multi like Pregnacare or something - if you're vomiting all the time, you'll be losing more than just iron, your levels of most minerals and vitamins will drop. YOu may also need extra iron - when you do, make sure it is NOT ferrous sulphate as it has very low absorption rates and bungs you up, as well as giving you black poo. Ferrous fumarate is far better (and easily available).

I was always knackered in the first trimester without throwing up all the time, so it's hardly surprising that you're looking "out of it" - knackered and low on nutrients!

But back to the first bit - move. G'wan.

"So I don't expect they will be the kind of grandparents who will muck in or who will be useful in an emergency - BUT for the sake of my DH I will give them every opportunity to be awesome GPs, if they choose to not to use the opportunities that's up to them"

You are already seeing what they are going to be like as grandparents; awful ones who will seek to talk over and undermine you both as parents at any opportunity. These are really not good people to be at all around. If you are already finding them too difficult etc for you to deal with, its going to be the same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless child too.

It is no point in giving them any opportunity for them to be awesome GPs because they are not good parents already to their now adult son. You yourself need to raise further and maintain boundaries re these people and be consistent always in applying these.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics being played out here.

Thanks for the info re iron - I've just left a voicemail for my midwife so fingers crossed. I've been taking pregnacare in the evenings as I tend to stop the vomming by about 5pm usually.

Attila I really appreciate the advice and have read that book in relation to a person in my own family and trust me they are small fry in comparison

As long as DP and I are on the same page, we will be fine I think - they've always been like this and DH has only recently had his eyes fully open to it since I've been pregnant - I can smile and nod and ignore as long as I can roll my eyes at DH when they leave the room and we can have a laugh about it. If he was acting like they were perfectly OK I think I would lose my mind though

Plus DH seems to have morphed into a ferocious gatekeeper almost overnight which is wonderful - I've already told him that I may not want any visitors after the birth and nobody at all apart from him at the hospital - I think he now sees it as his duty to make that happen, even if his parents take out an ad in the local newspaper to complain about it

Your DH sounds brilliant FloLarkin