I haven't posted on Mumsnet in a very long time although I'm a frequent lurker. I couldn't think of a better place that I could share my feelings. I'm not even sure that AIBU is the right category so sorry in advance.
I am a Mum to three children DS 8 and DDs 7 and 5. I have no surviving family and my inlaws are in Turkey so that pretty much leaves me with DH and a few friends from school.
DH and I are self employed running our own coffee shop. He gave me quite a lot of time off over the Christmas period which meant a lot of time with the kids. We have recently moved house and so money is tight, along with the fact that we don't live near any facilities and with only one car and DH at work, we spent a lot of time at home, which slowly but surely made me start climbing the walls.
Kids were back at school for a day before DH flew out to see his family. I thought I would relish every moment of having my evenings to myself- still getting out and about during the day with work and school runs and coming home to enjoy trashy TV, but the past few days, I have been an emotional wreck.
I am trying to keep on top of a business, a home and three kids and I am drained. I'm not physically tired, but emotionally worn out. I have never felt as lonely as what I have done today. I would give anything to have my Mum or someone close at the other end of the phone when I needed to offload. A door that I could knock on to go for a cuppa, and more than anything, I miss my old mojo.
I couldn't ask for a more beautiful home, a more loving husband who I do not begrudge going away because he wanted to see his family after nearly a year. Im usually such an energetic person with always some project or another on the go. These days, I have the most crap concentration span going, any money coming in going towards paying the debts we created by moving home etc. I am due to start an evening college course this week and the girl who works in our coffee shop is looking after the kids for a couple of hours, but I don't even have the enthusiasm for that anymore.
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I guess I just realised this evening when I wanted to offload, that I have nobody. No parents, no siblings, no aunties and not even a friend I would feel comfortable enough with opening up to. I have lost all interest in running which I used to look forward so much to. DH will be home in around 10 days and I realise just how much I miss him. He is really not just my husband, but my friend and soul mate. Right now, I feel nothing but numb.