Scared about bad behaviour

[JadeFeather]

Hi
I am looking to start a family soon and one of the things that has begun to concern me a bit is the behaviour of children in my husbands family. In my own family all the kids I have known have been pretty calm and well behaved ( I was also like this as a child) whereas in my husbands family a lot of children tend to have really bad tempers and tantrums. His nieces will sometimes scream continuously for about half an hour if they don't get something they want and I've seen this to be an almost daily occurrence. My SIL really struggles as she also comes from a family with calm kids too and didn't expect this or know how to deal with it as she has a very mild temperament and finds being "shouty" very difficult. I don't know if it's something to do with how they're being raised or whether it's a genetic temperament thing. Are some families just prone to having difficult children and other blessed with easy ones?

Who knows the answer to the nature vs nurture debate? And how would knowing the answer make a difference anyway?

I guess what I'm thinking is whether I need to prepare, read books on discipline etc. My own mum and sisters have had it pretty easy so I thought I probably would. Never really thought I might have to deal with temperamental screaming kids until I met my husbands nieces and nephews!

The problem is that the children don't read these books. So they don't how to respond.

My kids are both different.

Dd is very quiet, you don't know age is there. Ds is loud, very active, loves to make people laugh etc.

Both are (thankfully) fairly well behaved but ds needed parenting in different ways.

With dd you could discuss things with her and explain why she couldn't do certain things. Ds doesn't respond o a calm discussion. He needs time out to calm down. He is nearly five and he does listen now. He is much easier since we found ways that work with his personality.

What I am saying is you can prepare and read all you want. That doesn't mean the child will respond in the way you want.

I think it doesn't hurt to read parenting books, and it can't hurt to have some ideas about what you want to do about behaviour. But of course books can't prepare you fully, all parents have to work it out as they go! Don't overthink it I guess.

Oh an my nephew who was the best behaved baby (slept through at two weeks, slept most of the day, no colic, weaned brilliantly) has hit terrible twos with a vengeance.

Completely thrown is mum and dad as he wont eat, won't sleep, won't listen, touches stuff he he told not too while watching you to see your reaction and screaming like he is being murdered if anyone says no.

Even quiet children can turn out less quiet.

I have two boys, one calm, one temperamental (one more like me and one more like DP). So I guess you need to be prepared to have either

DD 1 was/is mostly well behaved, polite and listened. Never had a screaming toddler tantrum, fully understood no meant no without an agreement at 7 shell reason her case to a point if she disagrees but I like that
DD2 is a different kettle of fish! She's only 1 and is normally described as spirited little monster

I think the toddler year is luck of the draw how easier/behaved they are - after around 4ish I do think its parenting that shapes behaviour mostly any way as all kids push boundaries!

I think you have to learn what works with the child you get. You can read books but different things work with different children. Ds has challenging behaviour due to disability but underneath that is a calm personality that most of the family.

Have.

You have to go into having children with the acceptance that you might have to deal with any kind of temperament.

In my own family all the kids I have known have been pretty calm and well behaved ( I was also like this as a child) whereas in my husbands family a lot of children tend to have really bad tempers and tantrums.

Then you should be very grateful that you've witnessed the other side of the coin, so to speak.

You should never go into parenthood, expecting to have a 'certain kind of child' or you'll be setting yourself up to 'fail' by your own standards.

Babies are like Kinder eggs. You never know what you've got until you get them home.