"sensitive" MIL

[PixieChops]

Cut a long story short I was explaining that I'd been finding it really hard ithe past few weeks with DS (he's s baby and has been really ill for the past 3 weeks- hospital etc and I've been exhausted with it all) and now DD (toddler) falling ill yesterday and felt I was getting to the end of my tether. I sent this to both SIL and MIL as we already had a group message going anyway about other bits and pieces and felt I may get some advice from them. SIL as usual was a gem and helped me out and we were having a bit of a joke towards the end of the conversation and it had turned a bit light hearted and I was feeling better. MIL had said nothing the whole time and then came back with this

You both stress me out when you stress about everything. And then to top it off FIL and my family stress me out too! My problem is I'm sensitive to everyone's problems and then I've got my own worries too.

This has made me feel like shit. she's blaming me (she mentions SIL but considering SIL was giving me advice and not talking about her problems I'm guessing MIL just put that in there to save face) for the reason she's stressed. She does this a lot. She doesn't help with my kids because I was sick of her telling OH that she does too much. Now I can't even talk to her about anything. I'm really annoyed about it and don't know whether I'm BU or if she is. MIL just can't be arsed listening to anyone else but is quite happy to come round here and moan at me about her problems but I get bollocked if I do the same?
Anyway I've taken the hint. I'm telling her fuckall. If her grandkids are in hospital she will be the last to find out in future.

Atomik I do agree with you, though when she was going through the cancer with her husband I was there for her. Even so she could just let off steam. I told her to get some extra counselling if she needed it, to go and see the Drs to up her ADs as well. She comes to me with all sorts of problems and I sit and listen and give advice. Whether or not she takes it is not up to me. Whenever I ask for any though it's too stressful for her to cope with. She can be very needy.
I won't completely shut her out I'll just stop telling her stuff and if she asks why I don't talk to her anymore then I'll tell her that I don't find her particularly approachable and do not want to be responsible for "stressing" her out.
When we went away as a family she asked my DH if he'd had a nice time and he said yes he'd found it really good and had had a good time. She then started saying she'd found it awful and very stressful. I don't really see how- we'd never once left her to take care of our kids. She was free to do as she pleased and went for a nap every afternoon.
She has another health problem but does nothing to improve it and eats sugar like it's going out of fashion. I've tried telling her nicely and firmly that she needs to look after herself but again it's as if she enjoys making herself poorly because she can be ill for days after eating things that she can't have.
I think I've given up with her to be honest. I've kind of had enough and she's dragging me down.

That was me with the mc, Pixie, thank you for your kind words

Good luck with your MIL; sounds like you have a great friend in your SIL though.

Pixie

Not many people love being told firmly that they are doing things wrong with the strong implication they are making a rod for their own back (even if they are).

Lots of people don't feel heard or supported if instead of the sympathetic ear they were hoping for, they get advice and solutions.

I'm not saying you don't have cause for your frustrations, not at all. But... does SIL do that to you ?

Does she listen and empathise, or does she tell what you should do differently so you don't create problems for yourself ?

I have to run off to work. I promise the long version of this sounds less bald and hectoring. Becuase that is not how I mean it at all. But .. if your frustrations leak out over an understandable step back from MIL in an area where you 2 don't mesh well together, it is probably your lovely SIL who is going to bear the brunt of any fall out. Which seems a bit unfair after everything she has been doing to support her family.

I think MIL has made it clear she doesn't want to be your friend and confidant. I've never used my MIL like that, she's my husband's mother not mine. Some women are close to their MILs but it sounds as though your MIL doesn't want this. Revert to a superficial chat about nothing in particular type relationship. Telling your problems to other people can often seem like burdening them, the teller feels better, the one told feels burdened. Just chat to your husband and consider a counsellor if you are always feeling stressed (as MILs comment implies). If MIL exaggerated your stressiness then just stop discussing problems with her. I wouldn't say it's because she can't cope just tell her things are fine and change the subject. let your husband do most of the communicating with her.

One of the first things my MIL said when we had our first baby was never ask me to babysit. So we didn't. When she died we found a diary and she was saying how sad she was that we never asked her to babysit.

Sometimes you just can't win.

YANBU. I'd cut her out of the group conversation. How nice at least that you got support from your SIL.

My MIL is a bit like this. When she has a drama it's all tears and poor me, come and help me but if I respond to "how are you" with saying I'm feeling exhausted (as my name suggests I have ME/CFS) or anything other than "I'm fine" her response is "oh well never mind." It makes me quite cross tbh that we are expected to pander to her tears (she'll text DH telling him he has made her cry if he hasn't said something super sympathetic and supportive to a non existent drama) but she couldn't care less about anything less than positive from the rest of us. I always respond with fine and don't bother to tell her anything. What's the point with people like that.

My mum is a bit like this. She gets very stressed out about any stresses or problems we are having, even minor things that we're not particularly worried about ourselves. It means that when I have a genuine problem, she becomes an additional source of stress rather than a source of support. I have to manage the problem and her reaction to it. I minimise what I tell her, but there's some things I can't hide. It's a shame, but she's in her seventies and not going to change now.

Not so much sensitive as selfish I would say.

You have two ill kids, who the fuck cares if she is stressed!

Op I hope your dc get well soon

Thanks again for your messages. As mentioned I just won't mention anything to her anymore. The reason why I did was because she was forever asking DH if I liked her because I never opened up and told her if anything was upsetting me or stressing me out as she wanted to be there for me and help. Well that was a load of bollocks. So back to reserved I go. I will just moan at my own mother. She's a lot more understanding and helps me a lot.
Ah well my relationship with SIL will carry on but MiL will just be kept at a distance and I won't bother messaging her or just reply with a simple "fine" if asked how we all are. Even if we're in a car drowning At the bottom of a lake

she sounds a bit like my MIL (who I do like and get on fine with). We have to withhold info about our lives from her because she gets so worked up and worried about stuff (that we aren't necessarily worrying about!). For example we mention in passing that DS had an ear infection. She starts googling away and sending us 'advice' and constant messages/demands for updates. She then tells us in the ensuing days that she hasn't slept at all worrying about this. So not only are we dealing with a poorly DS we have a stressed out MIL to handle.

it could be, as is my MILs case, that she hasn't enough to occupy her time and so she takes on other peoples worries...but really it's too much for her.

My advice is to just accept she's not the best 'listener' in such situations and just withhold as much as you can from her and set up a whatsapp group with SIL/friends where you can all ask advice/sound off/have a whinge as you need.

Hope your LOs get well soon.

Thank goodness she had a nice dd! Your sil sounds lovely.

She's not sensitive she's selfish.

She should be offering you a helping hand. If my dd or dil posted that I would be round there helping.

Hope your dcs are getting better op and things get brighter. Shit always seems to happen at once.

she was forever asking DH if I liked her because I never opened up and told her if anything was upsetting me or stressing me out as she wanted to be there for me and help

she does sound very needy. Is she kind of a bit of a bottomless pit wanting proof of affection?

She sounds hard work. Any chance you can not take the bait and laugh it off with an "Oh no! Now I'm going to be worrying about you worring about us!" type response or would that rub her up the wrong way?

I went back to hospital on day 5 of DS's life for his heel-prick test (normal to do this if mum is hypothyroid). MIL was supposed to be coming to visit but instead had a 'turn' about us going back to hospital

She likes to think she's needed and is needy but as soon as you actually want her for anything she can't be arsed and tells everyone she does too much. As mentioned she rarely comes here anymore so it's not like we are taking any of her time whatsoever or expect her to do anything for that matter. When she comes round I make her a drink but if my mum comes round she sits me down and makes me a drink.
I was pregnant with my 2nd and she came round to "help" which involved her putting her feet up on my sofa whilst I kept her entertained and my DD. I didn't ask do any more help after that.

Badg3r that probably would've been a good response.
Instead I just put"Jesus Christ- can't even have a whinge" and then tried to laugh it off. She came back that she was just having a whinge herself. Bullshit, she wasn't whinging she was being really hurtful. I feel like I can't speak my mind around her because she makes out that I'm being a bitch, I'm not I just tell people how it is. I never see the point in pussy footing around much.
She can also be quite snipey with comments about my appearance but then does it with a smile on her face so don't know whether she's joking or not.

She sounds like the person who just wouldn't do well on group chat. If she is elderly she may even find the fact that you and sil are chatting away and she feels left out.l wouldn't involve her in that kind of group chat but just keep it for lighthearted stuff and speak to sil separately. I wouldn't reply with anything sharp as that only makes you rude and mean. She is who she is so just accept that's all she can handle and get support elsewhere. She is not going to change now.

Set up a separate group for problems only and cut her out of it, and dont tell her because you dont want to add to her huge burden. *rolls eyes.

Hope your child is well and things pick up soon

I suppose it's annoying as she comes here, offloads all her shit and then buggers off. If I try telling her that I have a couple of issues its all too much for her and she can't cope. Well I'm afraid it's a two way street and if she can't be arsed listening to me then I can't be arsed listening to her. Like I said I'm done with it now. I've read some very good advice on here.
She's not that old to be honest. Only a couple of years older than my own mother. God I hope I'm not such a PIA for my DIL when I finally get one haha! My son is only 6 months old so a long way away yet.

On another note my son seems to be perking up a bit and sleeping better whereas my daughter is full of a cold now and just won't sleep in her bed. Doesn't help that DHs back has gone too and he can't help me at all. I know it won't last forever but it's been 5-6 weeks since I had a decent nights sleep now and I'm (obviously) feeling a bit fed up.

glad to hear your son is on the mend. Hopefully your daughter's cold will pass soon and things will ease a little bit, at least!

Oh I remember DH's back going when DS was a newborn, it was awful as I was a bit of wreck as it was and I needed the support.

You have the right idea with not listening to your MILs woes too. Why should you. You can throw it back to her that it stresses you out too much.