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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling so scared about dc2?

14 replies

Givinguph0pe · 05/01/2016 16:44

We have battled to have our second dc and already have ds (6). Dd was very much wanted and we waited for over three years for her.
She arrived early on Christmas Eve at 34 weeks and we had a ten night stay in NICU and TCU. I'd already been in hospital for most of December.

Now we are home and I should be thrilled but I'm anxious about dd and how much she eats. I'm anxious about ds because he didn't get a Christmas and spent his holidays in the hospital mainly or driving back and forth. I just keep thinking what have I done? I feel really displaced and it's really weird being home after nearly four weeks in hospital. I love dd already so feel awful feeling like this but I'm so tired I don't know how I'm going to cope. I'm expressing for her every three hours day and night and I'm exhausted. I wasn't ready for her to arrive so her room isn't ready, she's hardly any clothes that fit as she's was smaller than we expected and dh had to rush out to get a Moses basket.

I just feel really detached and strange. I want things to feel normal again but I don't know how to make them that way.
Is it normal to feel like this after the birth of a subsequent child?

OP posts:
Barbie1 · 05/01/2016 16:48

Is it normal? Yes!

My dc 3 was born at 33 weeks and like you had a month in neonatal.

I was forever tearful as I felt I was letting the other two children down, and when I did get the rare chance to go home I felt quilty for leaving the baby. A no win situation for me!

You have been through a lot and it will take time to adjust and for your hormones to sort themselves out.

Congratulations on your newest addition

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/01/2016 16:53

I recently-ish had dc3, at term, out of hosp the same day, also a long wait, my two older ones are older than yours and I was hit by a broadside of anxiety that is taking its sweet time to lift. How much more natural are these feelings for you after your dd's tough start Flowers

Be kind to yourself, give it all time. It will shake down eventually, although there may be some rocky times ahead. Get all the support you can.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 05/01/2016 16:57

Thank you.
I just want it to stop, it's such a horrible feeling. I adore both of my children but I still keep thinking I was happier before when I just had ds. Then I feel dreadful as we fought so hard to have dd and I would be beyond devastated if anything happened to her. It's more I feel so anxious now when I didn't before and it's that that makes me long for my 'previous life.'

OP posts:
lougle · 05/01/2016 17:07

Oh it's completely normal. When I'd had DD2, DH brought DD1 to visit (20 months and has SN, but we didn't yet know) and after about 15 minutes I begged him to take her awayBlush

It's a huge adjustment in all areas. Not to mention the hospital stuff.

Barbie1 · 05/01/2016 17:08

I totally get you.

Life was easier before..but give it time and you will adjust to this new way of life and you will be wondering just how life was previously.

Eat and rest. Take any offers of help.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 05/01/2016 17:08

When does it get better?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 05/01/2016 17:10

Also it was Christmas when I went in and now Christmas is gone but I didn't have Christmas. I spent Christmas Day on my own crying because my baby was on a ventilator.

OP posts:
Barbie1 · 05/01/2016 17:11

I can't answer that. I'm 15 months into having dc3 and I still get days when I panick and feel anxious. I think all parents do. However after a few weeks at home I started to find a little routine. One day all the children went to bed at 6.30 with no struggle and I found myself in the carnage smiling and thinking that I could do this!

It's small steps...

Barbie1 · 05/01/2016 17:13

Set yourself a weekend next month and have a mini Christmas. Create your own memories.

I had just relocated countries and had only been there three days before I went into labour. We hadn't even got the house sorted. I felt rotten. It was an already stressful time for the family and I only added to that.
It took a long time for forgive myself

lougle · 05/01/2016 17:13

Am I right in thinking that you've only been home 2 days? It's going to be a while yet. I think the first 6 weeks will be all over the place, by 8 weeks you'll start to think it's getting better and by 12 weeks it will be OK.....just in time for the 16 week's old regression!

Be kind to yourself. Get your DS off to school then get as much rest as you can when baby sleeps.

seastargirl · 05/01/2016 17:21

It may be a little early to think like this, but I was diagnosed with ptsd after my daughter's prem birth, I was anxious, guilty, angry at things we'd missed out on and found that I couldn't get to sleep for replaying things in my head and if I did sleep I tended to have horrid, vivid dreams.

I think in some ways what you're saying you feel is so normal and can be attributed to a traumatic birth etc, but on the other hand it's worth keeping an eye on yourself in case you feel that it's taking over and preventing you enjoying your daughter, in which case maybe you could do with having a chat with someone about it to get your feelings a little more aligned.

Hope that makes sense, I'm being bounced on by said prem daughter and my son!

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 05/01/2016 18:33

I think I probably need to see the GP. Life would be much easier if I didn't have to express but I feel so guilty about the rough start she's had that I can't face putting her on formula in case it makes her ill. It made my ds ill for a few days.

Can I take anything to numb this feeling whilst I'm still expressing?

OP posts:
Pipestheghost · 05/01/2016 18:42

An awful lot has happened to you recently, very stressful situations like being seperated from ds, long stay in hospital, prem birth, very ill baby, missing a family Christmas with dc's. To put it into context, just one of those events is stressful by itself, you've had all in one go. Plus you now have the worry of establishing bf a very small baby and regular expressing. Tbh I'd be feeling the same way as you. Be kind to yourself and get some support and see your GP Flowers
Congrats on on your dd!

seastargirl · 05/01/2016 19:59

I put a lot of pressure on myself about breastfeeding to and remember feeling like I was permanently attached to the pump as she was never great at latching.

I really would recommend talking to you midwife/gp I wish I'd done it sooner than I did.

I would also highly recommend bliss which is the charity for prem/sick babies. They have buddies in some areas who you can be put on touch with, they will have been in similar scenarios, they also have a helpline that you can call. I think all the things you're feeling are very normal for what you've been through, but it's important that you get the opportunity to process your thoughts and try to make sense of things.

I so clearly remember people saying to me "oh but she's healthy now and that's all that matters" or "you just need to move on and get over it" and I just wanted to scream at them that it was just not that simple. Being able to talk through those thoughts helped me massively.

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