I've become a heartless bitch

[ohdearlord]

This isn't about one incident in particular - more of a general trend in my reactions (this already doesn't sound good).

Life for me has generally been rocky to downright horrific. It's not now, apart from some chronic health issues (that are manageable) it's all quite lovely now. But that is a relatively recent state of affairs.

My childhood was quite devastatingly abusive. My adolescence spent primarily in mental health units. Towards the end, the one family member I had any sort of a relationship with committed suicide. I had DD in early my twenties. And her early life was spent dealing with some disastrously complicated legal proceedings surrounding custody.

Over a decade or so I've put myself back together, restored relationships with family, gotten my mental health sorted, completed Masters studies, settled down with DP and DD. DD is happy and healthy. I'm proud to, so far, have beaten the odds (not without significant help!).

But. I have become harsh I think. Not in an aggressive way, more in a cold kind of no-nonsense way. Which is understandable I suppose - it's been a survival strategy. But I think now that things really are settled and lovely, it's no longer particularly reasonable - and it's certainly not reasonable when I apply it to other people.

When other parents cry at Christmas performances, or DP wells up when he talks about feelings or friends are stressed over, relatively, minor issues - I just don't feel anything myself, or worse feel very frustrated. I used to be very empathetic and "feel-y" but these days I find myself more often than not thinking, "FFS pull yourself together". I KNOW that's not reasonable. It's not my business to be deciding how someone else should feel or react but I don't seem to be able to help it - at least as a private, internal reaction.

Thankfully I haven't yet ever actually said it out loud. And DP seems to get that just because I don't go in for big displays of emotion doesn't mean that I don't love him and DD dearly etc. etc. Or that just because I don't cry doesn't mean something hasn't hurt me.

There are a couple of friends in particular who are quite lovely but are big bundles of feeling. All the time. Over nothing and everything. I don't dislike them at all. But I also can't relate to them in the same way that I used to 5 or 6 years ago.

Would it be unreasonable to quietly take a step back from them? Even though I know full well they look to me for a lot of support/venting space/advice. I don't want to say anything because I don't think my position is anything like objective, but equally I don't want to end up snapping. I still see my psych from time to time and she says that over time I will probably "warm up" again. But until then, would I be being unreasonable?

May I ask if you are on/have been on anti depressants OP? They are known to have an effect on affect so wondering if it might be a side effect of current or previous medication? When I was on Stemitil a good few years ago I could only manage to get emotional or interested emotionally in more serious/clear cut dramatic situations. The rest would just wash over me and that was/is now quite unlike me. So maybe your 'give a shit' mechanism might return as mine has?

You sound very well balanced and well grounded to me.
Just carry tissues for the drama llamas.

Iwonderif - I'm so, so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what that must have been like. You're right though - if people haven't been to hell they have no idea.

redexpat - that's a really good way of expressing it, thank you!

Whereyouleftit - yes, you're absolutely right. It is helpful to hear it sometimes. And I'm on the fence about saying something hopefully kind but also true to the friend with custody issues. Along the lines of, "I understand taking him on is petrifying. But. If you don't, not only will you never see your kids, but when they find you as adults and ask you why you didn't fight for them, or didn't protect them if the worst is happening, you're not going to have an answer. If you can't pull yourself together for your own sake, you have a responsibility to do it for theirs.". I guess it would either make or break our friendship.

HPsauciness - that's definitely true of academia. Thankfully I'm in a dept. with a lot of other women (Poli Sci), and a lot of them are a lot nicer than me :-)

Thankfully it is just these two. The rest are lovely and have their shit together.

I think there is something to the idea that certain experiences force you to toughen up and that once you have it's hard to go back. When you know what actual hell is it's just not possible to get worked up over the small crap.

I absolutely agree too with emotion getting in the way of decent decision making. I wouldn't still be alive, or have DD, let alone a house, relationship, job etc. etc. if I let emotions drive my decisions.

I'm not even sure I decided to be with DP based purely on emotion. Obviously I love him dearly - but for me that was just the first piece of the puzzle. All the rest of it was rationality - was he good for DD as well as me, were there any red flags, did he "get" me, was he going to get intimidated by my not "needing" him but wanting him instead, could he cope with my being ill (fairly seriously) from time to time, did we fit intellectually, were our future plans in the same country or moveable, was it possible to resolve issues rationally and without a scene, were we financially able to not be a burden to one another, were we on the same page about kids in the future, marriage. We sat down over a series of nights and talked through all these, and his big questions too, before we decided to call it a relationship and talk to DD about it. Which sounds kind of odd now I've written it out :-) But my main priority has always been to break the cycle of abuse my family has been in for generations. I needed to be sure I was making a smart choice as well one that "felt" good at the time.

I think the phrase that drives me most round the proverbial bend is, "oh but you're so strong...you'd survive anything". Like anyone ever has a choice!

Heartless no, just battle hardy.

I feel pretty much the same, I get irritated at people who moan about nothing, non problems, fuck all in my eyes.
I cannot understand why people just can't get the fuck on with it, just crack on. I think "NEXT" when one problem is sorted, ready to tackle whatever comes to get me.

I am a hard faced bitch me.

I don't think your heartless at all!

I'm still quite an emotional person but having been through some pretty traumatic times I do often feel frustrated when people moan about really petty shit but then remind myself that they have every right to do that, they may also have been through really bad times and also I still moan about the petty shit Aswell !

Also as a pp mentioned are you on anti depressants because I know they can and certainly did make me feel very flat emotionally when I was on them !

I think you sound like you have done amazingly well for yourself so try not to beat yourself up about this I think it's all perfectly normal

OP, I'm quite sure that if more people made partner choices with that rational factor at play, there would be less unhappiness about.

I'm single by choice. I've been told I've dropped partners for no good reason because all the feelings were there. Feelings are entertaining, in that context, for a few months, but after that, there's a hell of a lot of rational stuff to consider and "love" does not magically sweep it away.

and good on you for breaking that cycle of abuse.

I don't feel anything about quite a lot of things. Especially what I consider to be trivial nonsense. Having said that I don't judge people, who cry or laugh about everything. Each to their own really and I don't think you are a heartless bitch. Nobody can expect you to feel what everybody else feels because nobody can do that!

Ohdearlord - I don't think you're heartless at all - your last post started expressing sympathy to another poster. I think it may be more about saving it for some one who really deserves it.
People react differently to different things, some are more stoic and 'get on with it' no matter how hard that may be. Others will make mountains out of molehills - you've just got to be selective and not let the latter lot drag you down.
You sound like an amazing person who has overcome a lot, it gives you perspective I think.
Iwonderif

I am on mirtazapine (2hrs of daylight for several months does not agree with me :-) ). But I've been that over the winters for quite a while and I don't notice any big difference in this regard between when I'm on or off it. I wouldn't describe it as flat in mood or unresponsive emotionally across the board - it's quite specifically in response to seemingly disproportionate emotion or drama that it drives me mad. Whilst I'm still very rationally motivated with dp and dd vs. emotion when it comes to decision making, planning, getting day to day life done that doesn't detract from feeling warmth and affection. I reacted badly to citalopram a long time ago and felt that totally shut-down, numb or very distanced feeling - this doesn't feel like that.

I think one of the PP was right with now that life has really calmed down and I've moved into living not just surviving it's my personality coming to the fore.

The whole drama llama thing is just draining. Frequently I want to tell people to get a grip. High drama is such a waste of energy.

I think you sound bloody fantastic ohdearlord you sound very together and like you have your s**t more than most people I know. This thread was in fact very refreshing to read. I think you're doing brilliantly. You're more intune with yourself than you probably realise. you've got the type of personality that is great to be around. You don't sugar the pill, the type of person that I think all of us need to be with from time to time.

It should read shit sorted!!! (Oops!)

thank you Iwonderif

This thread garnered a very different, and very reassuring, reaction from the one I had expected. I will take a step back from both who I've found particularly overwhelming/infuriating - at least for the time being.

I had a traumatic childhood and adolescence but only experienced some of the things you describe many years later - my levels of empathy and sympathy did eventually return but it took about 10 years, and I still am more pragmatic and realistic than I was as a younger person
I think you sound quite in touch with yourself and if your instincts are telling you to distance yourself then follow them

Allthatglistens I agree with your post so much You have put into words a lot of what I was thinking.
I reckon that those of us who have had a less-than-rosy start in life have a higher emotional pain threshold somehow. We learn to wear an emotional wetsuit if you like. For example, I do not cry in public, not even at funerals. Some see this as a fault in my character but so what? That's the way life has shaped/made me. I am still caring and empathetic to others in many ways.
OP I don't see where the problem lies. If these friends are fussing over trivia then let them! Just don't be a sounding board for them. Life is too short to fret over the small stuff. You are worth so much more - move on.

This has got me thinking.

I often can't comprehend the energy some people spend on the negative things that they can't change. I'd much rather put that energy into positive aspects of my life.

Sometimes, DH says why aren't you angry about such and such? My response? It won't change anything, it's happened, I'm going forward. Not backwards or standing still. It can come across as cold hearted but really it's a survival technique.

The, "why aren't you angry?" conversation is one I've had a lot too. At various points along the way it has been suggested that I take things further, sue various bodies for failing to do their jobs (which is undoubtedly true, at times on a rather catastrophic scale). Sometimes I think I should have done - but once the situations were over, and had more or less resolved themselves how I needed them to - I just really didn't want to carry on having to the expend the energy on fighting anymore. I wanted to get what we needed done, and then move on from the whole scenario as quickly as humanly possible.

I think I probably use the same logic in day-to-day life now. What's the use in carrying on being angry? Like you say Gatekeeper, it won't change anything.

I don't think you sound heartless either. Just someone with a low tolerance for dramatics and silliness. Just because you don't carry your emotions on the surface, it doesn't mean you lack feeling, iykwim.

I'm very like you personality wise, have dealt with similar issues and don't consider myself heartless - in fact, I reckon I'm a bit of a softy .

Also, I wonder if when you' expectations been through stuff/shit in your life and have come to the conclusion that you are the only one you cane rely on it changes how you deal with it?

If I've got stuff going on I think it through on my own, have a good idea what outcome I want and how to get it and only then am I ready to discuss options. I know it frustrates DH at times. It doesn't mean my conclusion is definitive but it's the standpoint from where I go forwards.

I will also only seek the opinion of certain people for different things. I stopped seeking my father's opinion many, many years ago because I don't value it at all. He doesn't value me, doesn't really know me and his values are way off kilter with mine. When it comes to parenting I would only ask those who I know are like-minded as, for example, someone who agreed with corporal punishment would not be asked about discipline.

I guess it's the development of self reliance through (bad) experience and maybe the drama-llamas don't have the same confidence in their decision making where others have had to stand by some hard decisions to see themselves through. Hmmm...

Should say "when you've been through" not expectations!!

I have found that as I get older I have less patience for those who don't take responsibility for their own actions.
I still have empathy, compassion and feel things deeply. But I just don't have time or energy for uneccessary drama.
I have had a lot on my plate for quite a while although this year I am more optimistic about the present and the future.
I am taking a least said soonest mended to all the situations that inwardly irk me.
You are self aware so that will be your guide.