To think DH holds unfair expectations regarding my behaviour towards his son?

[SnotBagMaterial]

DH's son is 20 years old. DH thinks I make no effort with him but I'm unsure as to what is a fair expectation really. For one thing he's very difficult to talk to but I do try and make conversation - thing is the lad does nothing all week, he has no hobbies and no job, doesn't go out with friends or anything so his conversation is very limited. Dh thinks I should tell him I like his shirt etc but isn't that a bit "forced"? dH also thinks I should offer him drinks and crisps etc when he's around but I think that is very infantising for a 20 year old man!! He still visits for access visits every weekend and I feel like DH wants me to baby him like he does but I just can't. I don't baby my own (younger) kids so I'm not going to pamper a 20 year old. DH runs up and downstairs with drinks and sandwiches and crisps etc for him and I feel it unfair that he expects me to behave the same.
On top of all this I find myself becomming more and more distanced from him. He's very pretentious and recently I asked him if he fancied a FREE holiday to Greece with us. He started ranting on about how Greece's economy is destroyed and it's an unsafe country because they're all poor and desperate and it's all their own fault that their economy has collapsed because they're all so lazy and didn't work hard enough - this coming from a man who has never worked a day in his life!! And it's not that he's turned the holiday down because of his age, when we suggested somewhere more to his liking he was all up for it!
On top of this, he will not pay for a passport so as well as paying for his flights, accommodation and good whilst he's on holiday we're also having to renew his passport for him!! I'm just finding it harder and harder to connect with him and DH is piling the pressure on telling me I need to make more effort, tell him I like his clothes and keep offering him crisps and drinks! He's 20 years old!!
AIBU or should I be making more effort?

If anyone comes to my home to visit I would offer drinks, sandwiches, make small talk, make sure that they are comfortable. It comes across that you don't like him tb, my Mum was the same with my Step Brothers but refused to see that she was behaving that way. They no longer visit their Dad.

iggi999: I was just about to say exactly the same.
My parents house is the one place I can go to to be looked after and escape the adult world.
When I was 20, and struggling to find my feet as an independent adult, I cannot tell you how much I valued going to my parents to be looked after.
The issue is that you see a young adult, your DH sees his child who he will always want to look after.
Cut him some slack, he's young. Perhaps he needs some help with job hunting etc. O have recently got a new job but it took a while and I found job hunting hard as a confident 40 yr old. My 20 yr old self would have struggled.

Your dh is doing more harm than good in babying him like this, why would he look for a job when he has money to buy what he wants, free housing, free food, free holidays and someone to do all the leg work when he wants food. He needs to start trying to help him look for work and setting rules, at what point does it stop, 20 is not young and frankly the longer he leaves it to get a job the harder it will be.

I think you must have posted this before OP as I seem to remember this almost word for word.

Have you applied any of the advice you have received in the past or do you just want confirmation that you are not in the wrong and enjoy a good slagging off of the lad?

There must be a huge back story here and I'm going to assume there are deeper issues for your step son than just being bone idle.

You don't like him, sounds like that is never going to change, your DH seems to have his head buried in the sand about his son's issues.

How long has he known you? Does he feel totally at home at your house? Just wondering if it'd explain the sandwich thing, if he would maybe sort out his own sandwich at his mum's house but still feels more like a guest at yours?

I don't think it'd hurt to pay some compliments. Even if it feels forced, it's just part of making an effort. If you say something nice to someone, even if it's only a very small thing, it can make a big different to the relationship. Beyond that, it's hard to say without knowing the whole story. Yes when I was 20, I'd totally have sorted myself out, was working, would get own passport etc. But my brother took at least 10 years longer than me to really grow up and it honestly wasn't his fault, he was just slower to mature and needed more help. Maybe your step-son is this way, possibly more so if his parents' split messed him up in some way. Or maybe he is just lazy. But if it's only every other w/e and would keep the peace, I probably wouldn't make a thing of it.

Op i could have written your post. My DH separated from his wife when his kids were 2 and 4. now they are 17 and 19 and he still treats them as kids. We still have the access visits.

It has done the eldest no favours as he has no real qualifications and no job except part time pub glass collector.

No advise I am afraid but you are not alone.

You don't help a 20 year old become more grown up and independent by organising their passport for them. You get them to do it, but offer pointers and support where they need it.

After all, if this young man pulls his finger out and sorts out his passport, there's a free holiday for the taking. If he can't be arsed because he isn't "mature" enough, then no holiday.

The relationship needs to be in a new footing- you do not have 'access visits' with 20 yr olds!
I can't see what you can do, but DH needs to change things- help him get a job and become independent as a start.

He's 20. It's not an access visit. It's just ... a visit . Your relationship with him is adult to adult, talk to him as you would any other adult visitor, offer him the hospitality you would to any other adult visitor, don't get involved with his life apart from where he takes the initiative.

Start a few conversations along the lines of "When will you be getting a job?" "What are your plans for this year?" "Shall I help you with your CV?"

I wouldn't have changed my holiday plans for him, and wouldn't provide room service!

It's almost the reverse of welcoming to be waiting hand and foot on someone - that's what you do for a guest. Fro a proper member of the family you expect and allow Them to help themselves to snacks, clear up after themselves offer to make you a cup of tea, and generally muck in. Be sure you have included him and maybe there's a way to make him more part of the family by upselling the idea that he cooks to chooses the film or whatever that evening.

I think 20 looks adult but sometimes isn't - support is needed