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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want a little less contact with my mil?

42 replies

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 04/01/2016 23:00

I love and get on very well with my dm. I also love and get on well with my mil.
I live about 3hrs drive away from both of them.
Since moving out I've never lived near my mum, and we speak once of twice a month. We have our own lives going on, but we care about eachother's lives so we enjoy our contact. I see her every 3/4 months and we text/favebook every week.
My mil likes to call me every other day for a chat about nothing, she's lovely but it's too much! My dh works away so she speaks to him maybe once a month.
It's stiffling. To the point that I see her name on my phone and sigh. I have no new news from 2 days ago, the convos are short and strained as I have 2 young dc to look after. I'm mot great at phone convos in general but it's worse when 2yr old wants your attention at same time!
I want to ask her not to call so much but not sure how to. Aibu to even consider it?

OP posts:
GloGirl · 05/01/2016 07:48

Give the phone to the toddler and when she starts pressing too many buttons nip over and silently hang up. Text and say "Sorry! She must have hung up on you! Chat soon"

Hihohoho1 · 05/01/2016 08:07

But be nice people. Yes it's irritating when you are busy with littlies and she has no news but fast forward 40 years and it could be you alone in the house with a son who doesn't call so you call your lovely dil to chat and see how the kids are.

You forget how busy life is with small children you are just feeling lonely a bit redundant and pehaps bored.

You sound really nice op. That's why she calls you Smile

FinallyHere · 05/01/2016 08:54

Wot hiho said ^

I'd also put the phone on speaker, so you can talk / listen as you go about whatever you are doing. So, hi MIL, thank you for ringing, lovely to hear from you. we are just . Encourage the DC to join in and let them chat away while you get on with stuff.

Let her feel part of your life and get to talk to a human being for a moment or two. If she wants to talk and you really listen, then I'd go for the sorry, just doing .... Got to go now, talk soon.

Since my DF passed away, i ring my mother at some point most days. Sometimes its just a quick chat, often its a repeat of what she said the previous day. Sometimes either one of us is in the middle of something, so its just a quick hello thank you, talk tomorrow. Occasionally we chat about all sorts of things. At least we know the other is alive. I wouldn't do it, if she was comfortable about texting or even email but thats never going to happen so, speaker phone is the way to go.

Hope you find what works for you, xx

iPaid · 05/01/2016 09:03

Perfectly put by Hiho and Finally Smile

redjoker · 05/01/2016 09:03

I never pick up the phone unless it's OH- family and friends learnt that a long time ago. If its really important they leave a msg or TXT me. maybe miss a few calls and arrange a 'good time' once a week to call her 'so that you dont keep missing her calls'

diddl · 05/01/2016 09:03

I don't think that it's up to OP to make up for her husband's lack of caontact, though.

Once/twice a week would be more than enough.

Yes, she doesn't have to be rude, but that would still be enough for her MIL for feel involved.

shazzarooney99 · 05/01/2016 09:15

Can you not just go out when you know shes going to phone? if you dont not like answering her calls?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/01/2016 11:44

My BIL calls my MIL for about 2 mins every morning while he waits for the train. Talks rubbish at her about bicycles mostly but he's golden balls as a result. Maybe your DH could take some of the pressure off?

She sounds lonely. Maybe raise it with her gently that she is scaring you half to death with all the missed phone calls and that the phone is frequently on silent because of x or y. Suggest that she needs to find something to occupy her a bit.

And hand the phone over to the kids.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/01/2016 11:46

A friend skypes his folks every other day when he gets in from work while his preschool kids eat supper and his wife runs a bath with a large G&T

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 05/01/2016 17:54

She's not lonely, she has a daughter 10mins away who had a bany 9 months ago, so she sees her nearly every day. Fil is retired, so he's about too.
duckduck... I think she thinks I'm lonely too, esp when dh isn't here. He works on an oilrig so has limited phone access.

I think I'll put dd on the phone :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 05/01/2016 17:57

I'm not much of a phone person anyway. The only people I speak to on the phone are dh when he's away, dm every now and again, and mil. I never speak to friends or my sis over the phone, it's always text/fb/email or meet up in person

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 05/01/2016 18:03

My dh isn't much of a chatter either. He speaks to hos dm when he's home, but we don't feel like he should speak to her when he's at work as he has limited access to phones out there, plus what is he going to talk about? He's away on a rig with lots of men for 3 weeks. He very rarely has anything to report, and I'm sure he's not interested innhearing about her hairdresser's baby! He gets regular text/email/fb from his sis, so knows how his nephew is doing.
She calls me because she wants to know about the kids, which is great. But there's not usually much to say every 2 days!

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 05/01/2016 18:04

Not unreasonable! You don't even speak to your own mother as much as that! Maybe giving her an impression you are busy every time she calls will help her understand her frequent calls aren't welcome?

Hihohoho1 · 05/01/2016 18:06

Ah so she thinks you are lonely?

That's sweet of her op and really quite funny when you think about it.

She probably thinks your mum is neglecting you and had no
Idea that the situation suits you both.

Yes definatly put your dd on the phone. Grin

Delurked · 05/01/2016 18:13

I sympathise, have the same issue with my MIL. Wish she would just phone DH instead. We get on fine but I don't want to talk to/ text her everyday! I have a great relationship with my mum but we are only in contact once a week or so. I usually just let calls go to voicemail and then send a text later on.

My DH often travels with work as well and she ups it even more then, like other posters I think she thinks I am lonely, but I'm not! Much as I would like to just let it wash over me I find it really infuriating.

Interestingly, she calls her own very elderly MIL every day (despite her DH being alive and well) so perhaps she just thinks this is the normal MIL/ DIL relationship.

starfishmummy · 05/01/2016 18:25

I just use the answering machine to screen calls. Although to be honest we live in a long narrow house so by the time I have registered that the phone is ringing above the general din and dashed through to the living room and then realised the handset is missing I have generally missed the calls anyway!!
It used to annoy Mil - who is one of those people who has to pounce on the phone as soon as it rings, even during a meal. Which is why they have three hansdsets downstairs including two in the same not very big room!!

Chottie · 05/01/2016 18:35

I think your MiL sounds lovely actually - kind, caring and interested in you and your family.

Is it really too much to take 10-15 minutes out of your day several times a week to talk to her?

MiLs can't win on MN whatever they do! Confused

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