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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is a selfish ejit?

52 replies

PigInMuck86 · 04/01/2016 22:36

Vomiting bug in school. Dd1 (7) has gone to bed complaining of a sore tummy, dd2 (5) has been sick three times and still feels sick. Baby (6 months) is restless and I'm not sure if it's the bug or just out of routine. I've moved to sleep with baby to keep an eye while listening for dd1&2 being sick. DH? Well he needs to sleep as he's leaving for work at 6 as he 'has' to go the gym. So looks like I'm on sick duty and no chance of an hours nap in the morning :-( Or a hand with the sicky laundry pile. Bloody men. Why are they my problem? Their his kids too!

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 05/01/2016 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummylife14 · 05/01/2016 00:13

My 'dh always makes sure he has an hour to go to the gym before work I haven't seen the inside of a gym in over a year. I work full time and have a toddler. However when DS has been sick he know not to dare mention the gym. Tell him he's not going same way you will not be leaving to go do something that is not a necessity. Flowers

PigInMuck86 · 05/01/2016 07:32

Yes its not all men - in fact my dad raised us which was very unusal in my far away yoof. DH serenely slept through 8 vomiting instances, 2 bed changes and 6 breastfeeds. I had to wake him at 4.30 as baby was feeding while dd2 was being sick and I ran out of hands. He's had this bug already. And he did go the gym (apparently we were all asleep so he didn't want to wake me to ask if it was OK) and didn't even put the washing on. Ffs. He's actually a pretty good dad he just doesn't do illness or not sleeping. And I get resentful. But he goes to work and I stay at home so I guess its fair really and I shouldn't moan.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 05/01/2016 07:46

He isn't a good father or husband, he's lazy and selfish. Whilst you stay at home looking after his three children and doing all domestic chores he is free to go to work and the gym.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 07:49

He's not a good Dad.

It's not at all fair to sleep all night when there is a sick child abd you are dealing with a breastfeeding baby.

He's basically chosen that you and the baby should get the bug so that he can be a lazy fucker.

Leaving a home in crisis to take yourself off to have a nice time at the gym is unbelievably selfish.

The fact that he has a job doesn't mean he is a person and you are a subhuman who exists to raise his children and keep his house while he runs his life for his own amusement.

His behaviour last night showed utter contempt for you and your children.

He is a selfish, nasty prick and your children are growing up with a parent who shows them no love.

Fugghetaboutit · 05/01/2016 07:59

I would've locked him out if he went to the gym.

firesidechat · 05/01/2016 08:03

You judge a good father on what he's like when it's all going wrong, sickness and lack of sleep being two of them. Anyone can look like a good parent doing the easy stuff. Looks like he failed the test to me.

LagunaBubbles · 05/01/2016 08:28

OP I think you are in denial of you think your DH is a "good Dad", and you are enabling his behaviour. It worries me that children grow up in these type of environments and learn about relationships and how to treat people from dysfunctional relationships.

unlucky83 · 05/01/2016 08:40

I can imagine DP doing something like this...when DD2 was newborn, I was absolutely exhausted and he was on his day off.
I asked him to do something for DD1 (take her to a party or something I think) and he said he was tired too - he had a hard week and he'd been up since 7 and done an hour work out at the gym...
He got very short shift ...told it was self inflicted tiredness, selfish - he then tried to justify how important the gym was and I should appreciate him looking after his long term health for the sake of the DCs and I ..... let's just say he took DD1 and has never said anything like that again
(although he has just managed to stopped himself saying something - I just need to give him a look ...)

LindyHemming · 05/01/2016 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spaceyboo · 05/01/2016 09:22

When I was looking after my sick neice, my DH cancelled everything and even took a day off work to help out. So not all men, just your DP.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/01/2016 09:55

If you think it is fine, stop moaning.

I am a SAHM and DH works outside the home. When I was breast feeding he would 99% of the time bring the baby to me for feeding then wind and put back when finished. He couldn't feed, there was no need for him to wake up but he did because he wanted to support his wife and be involved in his children's care.

That is a lovely man and a good dad.

Yours is neither I'm afraid.

InitialsError · 05/01/2016 10:39

But he goes to work and I stay at home so I guess its fair really and I shouldn't moan

No, it's not fair really. And I say that as a SAHM.

I'd agree it's generally fair enough for a SAHP to do most normal night wakings E.g. healthy child wakes because they want a feed of milk / have had a nightmare / need a wee etc etc

But dealing with sick children in the night is exceptional circumstances and both parents should be pitching in regardless of whether they're a SAHP or not. He might not like mopping up vomit (who does?) but he could certainly have been dealing with other necessary things like getting children into clean clothes, changing bedsheets, putting the washing machine on.

Finola1step · 05/01/2016 10:39

A good parent does not opt out of the tough stuff.

Its easy to be a great Dad when its all going lovely, playing games, bedtime stories etc etc. But if you're happy with the situation...

hellsbellsmelons · 05/01/2016 11:08

Definitely just your man.
When my DD was little my ExH did all the clearing up of the sick.
Well he had to otherwise he'd have had 2 lots to clear up.
I just cannot do vomit.
He was much more sympathetic than me as well so he was great when ever she was ill.
I'd have been waking up the DH every time someone was sick.
I'd have made sure he was awake!

BiddyPop · 05/01/2016 11:08

I presume, as your DH has now gone to gym and work, that on his return tonight, he will be handed the 3 DCs and responsibility for making dinner for the whole family, and getting the rest of the laundry sorted, while you get a sleep?

Like a previous poster, in our house, we both work but DH is as if not more hands on at night. He often hears DD faster than me (he is insomniac whereas, if properly asleep, I sleep deeply and don't hear her) and is up and dealing with her if he can. If it's a "normal" issue (nightmare, hungry, bathroom) he often deals with it. If she is getting sick, he will usually be well into dealing with it (I usually do wake up with the noise of that) and we tag team getting her sorted - finish getting sick, then getting cleaned up and warm, and comfortable again back in bed. Usually involving cleaning carpets (she has a basin but often forgets about it) as well as changing her bed. And throwing a load into the machine to run either straight away or later when we will be up again. If it's a follow-on incidence (not uncommon), the first load of washing is thrown onto clothes horse if middle of the night or tumble dryer if late enough to be almost getting up time and second lot into washer.

And when she was a baby, and bugs meant keeping her out of crèche, we would tag team that as well - he was able to get into his building early in the mornings (mine not open until 7am) and would get a good start while I looked after her. I'd come in and meet him at lunchtime, to do a handover by car if she was well enough (at home if not), and he'd bring her home while I worked a long afternoon (my building stays open until 8pm) and we'd both do more later at home, so we'd get most of a day's work done still. And we'd juggle who had meetings around that general "norm" of emergencies pattern, moving them and making sure we each got to the important ones.

Learn to wake him earlier - and share the jobs in the middle of the night.

Baressentials · 05/01/2016 11:38

He's actually a pretty good dad he just doesn't do illness or not sleeping

Nope.

A good dad recognises that sometimes it really is all hands to deck and you don't fuck off to the gym.

A good dad doesn't behave like that. ~He thinks he is a good dad in his time frame when it suits him and when the dc aren't ill or are awake at night. That really isn't being a good dad. Even my exes aren't that cuntish. Actually stbexh was - his sleep and hobby would override everything.

chilledwarmth · 05/01/2016 12:01

If he needs to get to the gym this time is there a way you can share it so the next time they are sick he handles it and you are free to continue whatever commitments you have? If you're always having to do it then there is a problem.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 12:27

Dealing with a puking child is, ideally, a two person job.

One person deals with the child - mopping them up/hosing them down (depending on severity), getting them into clean pjs, calming them down, moving them somewhere warm and comforting them.

The other person deals with the mess - strip the bed, put the bedclothes in the machine, puts new bedclothes on the bed.

I mean sure, if there's only one adult you'll manage.

But what kind of parent wouldn't want to make things as nice and comfortable as possible for their sick kid?

This prick is so above caring for his own family that he didn't even bother to stick on a wash before fucking off to the gym.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 05/01/2016 12:33

The mind genuinely boggles as to how men like this persuade women to be in relationships with them.

It's 2016 for fucks sake!!!

Feeches · 05/01/2016 12:39

OP your dh does not sound like a good dad in the slightest. Why do you think you should put up with this? His behaviour isn't normal within a healthy partnership.

Despite your following posts, your initial "bloody men" comment still pisses me off frankly. My dh wouldn't act like this and neither would many others. Just because you appear to have chosen a single prize nob to procreate with.

ExtraBlessings · 05/01/2016 12:51

Sounds rubbish OP. Hope your children are feeling better now and you can get some rest.

Can't agree with the 'bloody men' comment. One man went to the gym ignoring his sick family, not all of them.

Stormtreader · 05/01/2016 14:48

He sounds like a bit of a tourist parent, only in it for the nice easy scenic bits.

alltouchedout · 05/01/2016 14:54

I'd've accidentally put some vomited on clothes in his gym bag, but then I respond really badly to that sort of selfish fuckery.
Good parents don't "not do" illness or lack of sleep, btw.

TeaFathers · 05/01/2016 15:29

yeah - he's a prick.

(how do these twats find women who'll willingly marry them? i'll never understand it.)