towards dd's dad re:holidays

[hufflebottom]

I'm sitting on the fence with this one.

Xp has dd (6) once a week. Was decided 5 years ago when he walked out on her and I had to get childcare etc and then he decided after 6 months he wanted to know. I said I wasn't uprooting her life again for him to decide a few weeks down the line to stop contact again.

In those 5 years he's not picked up other nights/days with her when offered and my parents have had her or I've had to cancel work/plans etc. But he will ask last minute if he can have her at weekends when his dad is over.

I discover over Christmas that her grandfather asked dd if she would like to go on holiday with her dad to visit him in Portugal.

I messaged him today stating that I'd prefer it if it would be discussed with me first before mentioning it to her. As she now thinks she's off to Portugal. I've told him I'm not happy as he's not taken her away on holiday before and I would prefer him to take her on a few holidays in the uk first before he decides to take her abroad. Especially as dd doesn't overly like his new dp, I personally don't have any feelings on her but have in the past asked him to have a quiet word as she has done things that dd didn't like. (Checking dd's chest for a temp, going into a toilet cubicle with dd when dd is more than capable of taking herself to a toilet)

I discussed with him about my parents taking dd to America in the summer, while I'm not too happy as I won't be going he said he had no problems with it. Parents have dd while I work at weekends. Bless them. Get rid of me and my bro and get my dd instead.

Now I'm sitting here wondering if I'm BU telling him he's got to take her on holiday in the uk a bit more first as he's her father and should be allowed to take her away on holiday when he wants. Or whether I'm NBU and should stick my ground.

ADish dd gives off the impression she doesn't overly like her dad dp.

I had mentioned to them before that dd can go to the toilet by herself. That I put a foot under the door so she knows that I'm there and i hold the door too. Then we swap and she puts her foot under the door so I know she's there.

Yes she sees her dad on a regular basis but doesn't do overnight on a regular basis.

I think you should let her go and encourage her dad to build up as strong a relationship with her as possible. I think a week away with his daughter will be a good basis for their bonding with each other, and for him being increasingly involved in her life. It will help build foundations for their future good relationship. I don't think you should try to block it.

I would suggest that you agree beforehand that she can phone you regularly and if she misses you he will phone you so she can speak to you etc.

That sounds like a plan

Let her go, but build up to her going by letting her spend weekends with her dad or a week in school holidays perhaps?

I've always let him have the opportunity to spend more time with her. But he will find a reason not to. Unless it's on his terms

I don't get why you wouldn't allow her. Surely when you made the decision to get pregnany you knew him and trusted him enough to make him your childs father. He's never been funny with you spending time with her so why would you be funny with him taking her away for the week? Especially if you let grandparents do it.

If she didn't want to go, it would be different.

"ADish dd gives off the impression she doesn't overly like her dad dp."

Sorry, I must have missed that bit. I didn't see anything like that.

The bits I was noticing were a few comments like this ...

"I'm not saying she wouldn't enjoy it. She'd love it."
"Dd would love to go as I've said. She's always up for an adventure."

... and rather a lot more about your feelings, anxieties, worries of homesickness, etc ... not your DD's.

I do understand the feelings and concerns you are experiencing, but I still think you should allow her to go, perhaps ... as I said ... apply a few provisos to your consent, such as that your Ex must have regular and increased contact between now and the holiday.

"I had mentioned to them before that dd can go to the toilet by herself. That I put a foot under the door so she knows that I'm there and i hold the door too. Then we swap and she puts her foot under the door so I know she's there. "

I am sorry, hufflebottom, I still don't know what you are suggesting in all this.

Are you are saying that you suspect the 'temperature checking' & 'going into the toilet cubicle' things are 'red flag' behavior you are concerned about?
If not, then what I suggested was that you discuss variations in parenting styles with your DD's dad and agree a way forward. But it doesn't sound like you did that. It sounds like you described (in some detail) how you take DD to the toilet, maybe hoping they'd take the hint and do it your way.
Discussion doesn't mean you telling the other parent to do it your way and, in fact, often parents end up having to agree that there will be variations in parenting styles ... and most of the time that can be absolutely fine. Children are generally okay with mum and dad doing some things differently.
It's a different situation if your DD has actually said she wants that to stop. Then ... yes ... you should say so, in no uncertain terms (but, again, maybe not by describing how you take her to the toilet).

I think you should let her go on the holiday and, in the long run, try to get contact (including holiday contact) on to a more formal footing.

It could be me over judging things re his dp. So will now just move on from that.

The flying thing has come from dd herself. With her mentioning air accidents she's seen on the news. We talk about it and I've explained that it's still very safe and there's nothing to worry about etc. (Very plane orientated family been up in planes many times, just not my favourite form of travel)

As for the being apart from me. She's happy to go on hols with her GP's. So I'm not too worried on That front.

It's just that she's never really spent more than a couple of days with him since last year (which was 2 nights) and before that was when she was less than a year old.

Well I'd stipulate in writing he needs to have 1x2 nights away, 1x 4 nights away or whatever before Portugal, and you won't release the passport otherwise.