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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My In-laws are trying to be helpfuk but driving me insane

42 replies

Woodenmouse · 04/01/2016 11:22

I love my in-laws but they drive me insane and the closer I get to the birth of DS2 the worse they are getting. They rang the other day to say they had booked a b&b to come and visit 2 weeks after baby is due, I get that they want to see their new grandson (especially as they have 5 other grandchildren who they never see) but they didn't discuss it with us in advance, just announced that they would arrive on that date. My MIL has also started being really funny about the fact they offered to buy a Moses basket and I reminded her that my mum had already got us one,we told her we were grateful for any gifts and we still had other things we needed but she just got moody and hung up on DH. I'm dreading them coming to visit after DS2 is born as MIL does not take criticism and I get really uncomfortable, when DS1 was born she wasn't fully supporting his head when she held him and DH moved him slightly so he looked more comfortableand she got really huffy and said I have held babies before, when DS1 was a little older she suggested putting his rusks in his bottle like she did with her children in just pointed out that this was now concidered unsafe and she basically told me she had more experience as a mother than I did. I'm completely for them spending time with both grandsons when my second is born but AIBU to be dreading their visit when i haven't even had the baby yet?

OP posts:

diddl · 04/01/2016 13:16

It would have been nice to have waited until baby was born & Op could see how she felt.

But that's the risk they have taken, isn't it?

That baby isn't here, that baby is but Op doesn't feel up to seeing them...

But as they aren't staying with Op, they can technically book to be where they want when they want.

Do they not see their otherGC at all?

If not, why not?

pictish · 04/01/2016 13:17

I think they're outrageous to book a three day stay without consulting you on dates or availability. So yanbu.

Furiosa · 04/01/2016 13:29

My inlaws booked a B&B for a week starting on my due date so "they'd definitely be there for when the the baby arrived" they didn't ask us, just told us thats what they were doing.

The inevitable happened and DD arrived the day after they left so, again without asking, they booked the B&B for another week as soon as they were told she was born. DD had to stay in the SCBU for that week (no visitors).

They still refer to this time as their "wasted visit"

Original poster

Woodenmouse · 04/01/2016 13:31

I'm glad I'm not being completely crazy, my in-laws don't see their other grandchildren because my BIL (if I can call him that) is selfish, he has 5 kids with 3 women, 3 of the children he hardly ever sees. I've never met him as he had other commitments on our wedding day (turns out he went to a gig) and every time we've tried to meet up with him since he's been busy. Knowing what my BIL is like I can sympathise with my in-laws wanting to have as much time with my children as possible and I don't have a problem with them visiting it would just have been nice to be asked. I really hope the baby is not late or he doesn't get kept in hospital. They would have stayed with us if we didn't live in a 2 bed house.

OP posts:

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 04/01/2016 13:32

It is a bit presumptuous. They are presuming that you will be happy for them to visit you on those days. I would guess that if you say "I don't feel up to it, you can't come to our house today" on any of those 3 days they will get the hump. Or if other relatives also arranged to be there at the same time, how would that go down?
My ILs stayed in a b&b. And then showed up at my door before any of us had had breakfast and stayed till nearly midnight. Every day. For ages.

Maybe you could start suggesting some nice places they could visit while they're staying, and nice places for meals out? A little hint that they will not be spending 16 hours a day with you?

Oh, and the answer to "I have more experience than you" is "not with this child, you don't ". A little reciprocal rudeness goes a long way.

diddl · 04/01/2016 13:39

I think they do need to be careful to not smother you to make up for not seeing their other GC.

I assume they don't have a relationship with the mothers?

I hope that if it really isn't convenient to see them then you will be able to let them know.

Also that if they are at yours & you have had enough then you or your husband will be able to tell them.

EponasWildDaughter · 04/01/2016 13:42

If, when the time comes you go more than a day or two over your due date, and everyone is still happy to let baby come when it's ready, (ie no plans for induction) i'd be asking DH to get them to move their booking to a couple of weeks later.

The mosses basket thing is just daftness. The head holding incident is a mixture of her being out of practice and with new borns, the parents being protective (perfectly understandably) and MIL feeling a bit embarrassed. It's a scenario that's probably repeated in countless households everyday.

The unwanted advice thing is also something you'll have to learn to allow to just waft over your head. Getting snippy back and forth just isn't worth it.

Be confident in your own mothering, be confident that it's you and DH who decide what's what, and ignore other peoples views politely, nodding and smiling, as you would at any other time normally. It's the easy way.

EponasWildDaughter · 04/01/2016 13:47

Oh, and have a nice chat with DH about how he's going to kindly 'gate keep' when they come for the stay in the B&B.

Have a plan in place in case they're expecting to spend the entire day at yours every day.

If it was me i think i'd be asking for late morning to early afternoon - 4/5 hours - and that's long enough. Taking each day as it comes.

RubbleBubble00 · 04/01/2016 13:50

Not that bad really. They are staying in a b and b - just go with the flow. Let unearned advice wash over you with the 'I will think about it' or ok.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2016 17:00

Furiosa, 'They still refer to this time as their "wasted visit"'

What a pair of eejits. I take it/hope your DD is fine these days?

Original poster

Woodenmouse · 05/01/2016 19:50

Ooo it all got interesting in the last few hours, FIL rang to say he was coming up on Monday as he was travelling past to see his sister so he would stop and see us. (ILs are retired and as FIL used to work on the trains they get free unlimited train travel). The thought was lovely but DH will be working (he works for himself and ILs seem to think he can just drop everything whenever he wants but money is tight so he needs to work as much as possible and doesn't want to let customers down cancelling last minute anyway). I said it wasn't a massive issue as I was around but I would need to know what time as I do have a mw appointment that day and it takes about 30 mins to drive from our house to the train station. DH tried to calmly explain that we need some notice before they come and it would be nice if they asked us what worked for us rather than just arranging to come. ILs did not take that well and it ended up in an argument. He did phone them back about an hour later and they had calmed down but now they are being a bit funny with him and I now feel guilty because I asked him to (nicely) put his foot down a bit and ask them to arrange visits with us rather than assuming.

OP posts:

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 05/01/2016 20:10

Don't feel guilty. Asking them to consider your needs as well as theirs is entirely reasonable! Stick to your guns and wait for them to get over themselves.

pictish · 05/01/2016 20:12

I agree. Your in laws are being unreasonable. Very.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 06/01/2016 09:21

I don't think it sounds so bad. But maybe that's because my ILs arrived the day I gave birth - both times - and stayed for more than a week! We don't have a spare room either so it gets very cosy!

I do find it massively irritating but I bite my tongue and get on with it. My DC are their only grandchildren and they have a great relationship with them. Although I am making a massive mental list of things NOT to do to piss off my future DILs...

littleleftie · 06/01/2016 09:35

Also loving helpfuk!!

My SIL just had her baby three weeks "late"

They don't sound super manipulative or overbearing, just a bit thoughtless. When MIL starts on with the "they didn't do it like that in my day" shite, just say "Oh my mum always says that - the advice has even changed since I had DS1"

Hopefully that will stop her from being all stroppy and sensitive about not being "right."

Is there any chance you can put them to use when they are here? Any jobs they can help with around house/garden etc? Maybe if they feel more like they are helping you they will calm down?

OnlyLovers · 06/01/2016 10:39

Oh fuck them then. Being funny with you because you asked for a bit of notice before they dropped in?

They can jog on as far as I'm concerned.

Oldraver · 06/01/2016 11:02

Anyone who tells the mother of a child that they have more experience as a mother is batshit and doesn't deserve to be given the time of day

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