To be hacked off that she finds it impossible to compliment me????

[Kakanto]

I am ready for a pasting here and to be told I am bu. it's not the end of the world and very trivial but starting to bug me.

Concerns my friend. It suddenly dawned on me yesterday. Never compliments me on anything. I recently moved into a new house and have spent so much time and effort getting it all together and not a single nice comment apart from things like "I like your bath against the wall, that's what I'm getting" (aren't most baths fixed against a wall?)

I'm not after praise and and I know it's trivial but she's fine dishing out the compliments to other people. Case in point when we visited another friend and his wife's new house days later and she went nuts over it.

I tend to be v self deprecating and people often go along with this but it has suddenly dawned on me that this happens a lot.

Come to think of it, the same happened with my wedding.

Aibu

I had a friend like this.
Never said anything nice about me, my clothes etc;
If I went on holiday never asked how it was.
I don't bother with her anymore as I eventually sussed that it was jealousy.

I'm still friends with her in FB and trivial though it is she will never ever like a post of mine, actually amuses me now to see how small she is.

Mil is like this. We'd once just returned from a far flung holiday and she managed to avoid mentioning it entirely for the whole day.

I've just had a house renovation (due to an insurance claim) - again nothing mentioned. She never ever compliments me about anything.

You can practically see her simmering with resentment a lot of the time. It's very wearing.

Bin her off OP, if she makes you feel crap, for whatever reason and with intent or otherwise, then she isn't the friend for you.

My Mil is like this too! It actually amuses me now, I make a sort of private game out of watching her dodge and weave her way out of any paying me any compliment.

Another thing she does, which is probably the flip side of the same coin, is to laugh uproariously if I ever make a mistake, or if someone makes a small joke at my expense, as though it's the most hilarious thing that's ever happened. I'm sure it's just jealousy.

Cornflowers, what a charming woman your MIL is.

Greengreen she's just charm personified!

I have a friend who is like this op, I understand how it makes you feel. My friend doesn't do it out of jealousy, she's just the kind of person who doesn't do compliments. I still Find it quite hurtful.

However, if the friendship is a good one in general I wouldn't say you need to end it. It does make you realise how important compliments are though - I think they're a sign of affection and kindness and essential in friendships.

I have a friend who is like this. It has gradually begun to bother me more over time. I am always complimentary but over the last year I find that I almost mentally check myself when I am about to pay a compliment and hold back. It's really sad, as it's not the kind of friend I want to be, and so I have really pulled back from the friendship.

I have other friends who beam positivity and I know that even if I look like crap or my house is a tip will find something nice to say. A compliment can be such a boost. Even if it's as small as 'ooh you do make a good cuppa Rushyswife'

Cornflowers yes! Mil does this too. She radiates pure glee if anyone slips up, but especially me. It's a thoroughly off putting trait in anyone.

I can't give a false compliment. I'm a terrible liar and it sounds so false coming out of my mouth, so I don't bother. Unless it's genuine, you ain't getting complimented

Maybe she just has very different taste and rathe than sound false she'd rather say nothing?!

Should add after reading more of the post- I'm not nasty or waiting for failure. I like to build others up.

Just I am going to say I like your curtains if I think they're horrific

Oh dear, I do the self-deprecating response to compliments too.

So you're just supposed to say thank you?

I wasn't really taught how to take compliments as a child, I more got constructive criticism - I'm great with that.

Either jealous, mean and wishes you ill or good natured but bad social skills probably the former.

This has been done to me twice and both times brought me to the painful realisation that the people concerned didn't actually like me and didn't wish us well. I discreetly dumped them as got the message.

My mother is like this; my best friend is like this; my ex was like this. Definitely a pattern there. You don't expect compliments all the time but sometimes something major happens or you know you look nice and still no comment. Always negative comments though particularly from mother or ex who both noticed if I gained weight/ had a spot etc. I think in my mothers and ex's case it went hand in hand with control and I definitely think my mother became jealous of me as she aged

I can't understand how people can justify even a small amount of basic politeness- if someone has redone a house, had a baby, bought a new outfit, then some comment on this is just a normal thing, especially if it is a friend. Unless it is a truly hideous new haircut, in which case I would go for silence until they mention it!

I get complimented a lot, on my clothes, on the tidiness of my house (I only tidy when people come around), my taste in various things, ability to handle things- and over the years have mastered saying 'thank you!' instead of launching into a long explanation of why I really am not that great after all.

But the wheels of life go a lot smoother with a few sincere compliments if something is different/new in someone's life, and I find it hard to believe there is nothing nice whatsoever to say about this remodelled house, which makes me think that in fact your friend is a jealous person who actively avoids saying nice things.

Also, I do get compliments, but I also give quite a few, or encouragement if the person is facing something difficult. In fact, I would say that's a really big thing amongst my friends- not necessarily saying 'I lurve your new curtains' if you don't, but asking interested questions about how you chose stuff, what decisions you made, showing a basic interest in someone's life (although in fairness, the bath comment could come into that category although it also comes into the 'dammed with faint praise' category as well).

You are definitely NOT the problem OP. She is jealous. I have experienced this kind of thing in my many years. It hurts when it is friends but I phase these kind of people out. It is part of being a good, kind person to pay compliments in certain situations. And a renovated house is one of those occasions. Jesus, lie if you genuinely can't think of one positive thing to say.

This thread has really made me think. At first I thought 'that's weird, I don't think it's normal for friendships to revolve around complimenting each other, do people really keep a mental record of compliments?'.

But then I realised that there are constant little compliments going on in my friendships 'ooh, did you get your hair cut, it's lovely' and they are such normal interactions that I barely notice them.

On the other hand, I cringe when someone falls over themselves to constantly compliment other people, it comes across as so forced and insincere. If it's part of the normal flow of conversation fine, but if someone can't even say 'hello' without following it up with an over the top compliment about some random thing, they automatically put me on edge.

I had a friend like this. Notice the word 'had'.

That wasn't the only reason the friendship ended but it was a part of it. When someone can't say well done on getting a new job you wanted for so long you start to wonder if they actually like you.

MIL does not give compliments much. She gave me the best one ever the other day but they are very rare. I know she isn't jealous, not even a little bit, I think she is genuinely uncomfortable about giving compliments to people's faces but when she does give them they are really great ones.

And yes, Treacle I don't keep a mental record but it does become obvious when a friend doesn't compliment you on a new job, or mentions a complete new hair cut, or say something nice about your new home. Like you said, they are normal interactions that you only really notice when they don't happen at all.

Its not the little compliments IMO not as if the average person requires constant fawning from their friends and family. Its if a big important thing has happened and those that are supposed to love/like you do not even mention it.

New baby
New house/massive house renovation
Obtaining milestone qualification
Wedding etc

For those purporting to care about you to say NOTHING about these things when first seeing you after the event is bloody rude and weird. And without fail whenever this has happened to me it has transpired that the person concerned is not really a friend and does not wish me well.

It's not jealousy - that's when you don't want other people to take what you have. (EG, a jealous boyfriend doesn't want anyone stealing his GF.)

I think you're all referring to envy. That's when you want what someone else has.

But I'm not sure she's envious. I don't know what the problem is.

I moved into the first house I ever bought on my own recently, and my best friend couldn't even be arsed to come over and see it! I take actions over words these days. If your friend is treating you well with her actions (reliable, dependable, helpful, generous, thoughtful), I would ignore the lack of verbal compliments. I've known people who can flatter the life out of me, but never turn up for anything. So, it's all bollocks. :)

Yep I knew it was over when a "friend" walked into our massively renovated house, taken 6 months of blood sweat and tears gone from dark granny house to bloody magazine shoot standard and he said....nothing. Not one word.

Also in laws arriving to meet their first ever grandchild. Didn't even mention her started talking about the weather and FILs cold. I eventually said "Ive had a baby!". Was fucking surreal.

YAsoNBU

What'sGoingOn do you feel better now?

How about directly asking her what she thinks about your bathroom, house, new dress, new hat or whatever else you may be interested in her opinion on? That will hopefully give you some idea of where you stand.

Yes, thank you, Eigg. :)