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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel left out by friends?

50 replies

smellslikemeanspirit · 02/01/2016 09:18

At risk of sounding childish, I'm part of a group of friends who've known each other for 9 years. Obv some of the friends are closer than others but when meeting up normally everyone's asked.theyve started leaving one woman out but she found out and it didn't seem to bother her. Over Christmas 4 of them got together, didn't invite me and then posted photos on social media. Aibu to feel a bit hurt? Feels like being back at school tbh

OP posts:

Anotherusername1 · 02/01/2016 14:26

You don't have to delete your FB account. Just unfollow them so that you don't see their posts. That way, if you need to contact them for any reason relating to kids, you can message them, but you don't need to see any showing off.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/01/2016 14:38

Ynbu. My 'friends' used to do this all the time. It was always the same excuse or rather bare face lie. We couldn't get hold of you. But its funny they could always get hold of me when they wanted something. . Even if they genuenly albeit conveniently couldn't get hold of me by phone. They know where my address. No excuse for exclusions. It took a long time to wake up and smell the coffee as they say but they've now ex friends and I can honestly say. Ive never looked back. I bumped into a particular 'friends aunt and we got chatting. The usual pleasantries. How are you, How's little ghost ect ect and then she said. Why don't you call in and see our ......... She misses you. They all do, and my reply was but with the greatest respect They should have treated me properly then shouldn't they.
Now about Facebook. If you enjoy it. Dont delete your account because of those Clique bitches. Just simply unfollow them and if they want to know why. Tell them.

MrsJayy · 02/01/2016 16:11

Tbh you all dont sound like you are all ofriends but this group has formed i know its hurtful but really what can you do

MrsJayy · 02/01/2016 16:20

Posted too soon I have had this done to me i was friends with 3 and the rest who were friends with 2 0f the 3 didnt like me that much it got so awkward i just hid their fb posts and i just meet up with the 3.

Original poster

smellslikemeanspirit · 02/01/2016 16:34

It's not just me then, this is obviously a common theme. Like ghost says, they soon get in touch when they want to ask a question about school!

OP posts:

Balaboosta · 02/01/2016 17:33

Don't say anything. Friend of mine did this recently when I'd had a night out with other friends who then posted pictures to FB - to clarify I was invited by them, did not organise it, did not post the pictures. Left-out friend barely knows them but still commented on the post as well as whatsapping me to say, where did you go, why didn't I get invited? I thought this was rude and needy.

Balaboosta · 02/01/2016 17:34

My point is - nights out often develop organically. Organise one yourself and see how it goes. I don't think it shows great trust or friendship on your side of you just assume the worst of them.

rookiemere · 02/01/2016 17:47

I agree with Balaboosta. I enjoy going out in smaller groups and would be annoyed if I had to invite everyone every time I went out.
They were however crass to post on FB about it.

xmasseason · 02/01/2016 19:03

Which members of the group of friends do you like? How about organising a meet-up for just you and them?

Original poster

smellslikemeanspirit · 02/01/2016 20:13

Well two of the ones who went out were the ones I get on best with! Think that's what got me really, it was a real shock to see it on fb. I agree about smaller groups, and that has happened but if I was organising a smaller group get together it would have been with them.....maybe I'll find out the reason next week at school, but I won't bring it up.

OP posts:

ClaudetteWyms · 02/01/2016 20:23

Hmmm his all sounds very stressful. I was also "friends" with a group of women (school mums) a couple of years ago and they started doing things and leaving me out, then they did it to another, and so it continues to this day - new ones joining the group as they perceive them as an "in" group, ones in the group having their turn at being left out or cut out. Exhausting really.

To be honest I think you will probably be well rid of them - unfollow on FB and don't give them any more headspace. Pick off the ones you like and see them one on one or in a smaller group. The ones you like who were on the night out may not have organised it - if someone else organised it and invited them they may not have felt free to invite you along.

Good luck!

Tink06 · 02/01/2016 23:32

Its so hard when there is a large group. Apparently I am an organiser in our group. I don't choose to be and didn't even know I was until someone tried to cause a whole load of trouble and turn people against me.
Whenever we organise something it tends to be a group message and I always put please add anyone I have missed. Am really conscious of it now.
Sometimes though things get organised in the spur of the moment (not neccesarily by me) and not everyone gets invited. Its not deliberate. A few are single and might have a Saturday night out for example and not invite everyone. Im usually missed off these so is my sis as its not usually her scene and another who has her kids that night. I do sometimes feel like I have missed out though when I see fb ( Think that's the main culprit to be honest).

LuluJakey1 · 03/01/2016 00:16

Never go out with anyone who uses the expression 'hun' .

ihateminecraft · 03/01/2016 09:28

“Are these friends you met through your children?
I am asking because I have only ever encountered this sort of behaviour when people part of a group through their children.”

YES!

“ It's shocking isn't it? I read a great post on here once where someone explained that there is normally one leader 'organiser' who calls the shots and the others just go along with it for fear of being ousted themselves. Those people start finding fault in the ousted person in order to feel OK about being comliplicit in ousting a friend.”

AND YES!

I speak from experience! Don’t say anything, be polite if you see them but distance yourself.

TheoriginalLEM · 03/01/2016 09:42

fuck em. who wants shallow arse friends like that anyway?

TheoriginalLEM · 03/01/2016 09:44

my dd is in year 6 now. lets just say i arrive late for pick up on purpose. just in time to pick up dd and hot foot it out of there.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 03/01/2016 09:58

I've experienced this, again in a group I met through children / childbirth.

At first it was great. V inclusive etc.

But as time went on there were exclusions. Again, by one ringleader.

I've been v hurt by some of this behaviour previously. Now, I've got used to it and have accepted being excluded - they're obviously not the friends I thought they were. It does get easier.

I've sat in a pub before with the 4 others in our group, and 2 of them have laughed and joked about how they are going to buy houses next to each other and knock them through as they are such great friends! Ffs - and this has come from professional women in their thirties. The other 3 of us just sat there open-mouthed trying our best not to laugh out loud at the childishness of them

notquitehuman · 03/01/2016 10:26

I know how you feel OP. The same has happened to me in the past year with 'the organiser' suddenly going from a friend to someone who completely ignores me. We actually didn't meet through our children, I'd made a group of friends through an old workplace, and we'd always kept in touch even as we went our own ways. However, one day she simply stopped inviting me to things and removed me from Facebook a few weeks later. Fuck knows what I did or said. I've now had other members of the group ignore messages asking how they are etc.

There's no point dwelling on it. Yes it's very sad, but they obviously weren't the friends you thought they were. Next year I'm going to focus on finding new friends who I have more in common with than drinking.

Original poster

smellslikemeanspirit · 03/01/2016 10:42

I know, I guess we've just drifted apart more than I'd realised, and all the fbk stuff has really driven it home. I'll probably try to keep in touch with a couple of them but just exchange pleasantries with the others when I come across them.

OP posts:

SevenOfNineTrue · 03/01/2016 11:19

It is hard but if they truly, purposely excluded you and did not meet up on the hoof, then as much as it hurts, at least you now know where you stand with them.

I suspect that the ringleader / organiser did not like being questioned on the ostracisation of the member of your group and this is your 'punishment' for your 'disloyalty'.

Be polite and friending when you see them. They have shown their true colours now but you don't want it to become an issue.

xmasseason · 03/01/2016 11:32

I suspect that the ringleader / organiser did not like being questioned on the ostracisation of the member of your group and this is your 'punishment' for your 'disloyalty'.

Yes this sounds very plausible. Aren't some people petty?

ihateminecraft · 03/01/2016 11:55

Facebook's a bugger isn't it? I know someone who gets terribly upset if she sees she/her children have been excluded frim something yet is the worst for posting photos & tagging people at events she IS included in or has organised herself, knowing full well that there are fb friends who have been left out. Insecurity I guess.

rookiemere · 03/01/2016 11:57

I don't recognise these groups and roles that people are talking about, so either I have been incredibly lucky or I don't interpret things in the same way.

I have been part of friendship groups that have naturally drifted, in my baby group for example I know some people have stayed close but once the DCs got a bit older I recognised I didn't have a lot in common with most of the DMs and was busy at work so I was happy to drop that one.

Firstly as I have said many times if people want to be included in outings then the best way to do that is to take a bit of ownership and arrange some yourself.

For an alternative view, I'd be a tad annoyed if someone who never organised anything or had people to their house (which let's face it involves tidying up and being hospitable) started dictating my guest list.

SevenOfNineTrue · 04/01/2016 08:57

'Aren't some people petty?'

Yes, very. I am always amazed that friends can't have an open conversation rather than being passive aggressive.

shebird · 04/01/2016 09:21

This situation mirrors exactly what happens with DD1 and her friends on Instagram. Some of them have a sleepover and post pictures and captions 'love my BFFs' etc and then there is always upset that others have been left out. It's a minefield. I have been educating DD not to post 'we are having so much fun' pictures with friends as it just causes so much trouble. Perhaps grown ups should do the same.

I also think these people are not friends in the true sense more aquaintances that occasionally socialise together because of their common ground being parents at the same school.

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