To ask what the standard expectation with a newborn actually is?

[Cornettoninja]

I had dd four weeks ago on Sunday and am still very much finding my feet. In my mind it wasn't a great birth, physically there was a fair bit of intervention and injury to recover from, and I don't have any female family and very few close friends so am finding myself questioning whether I am being a lightweight or if I'm doing ok.

I'm getting massively mixed messages from people (sometimes the same people) about what I should be capable or want to be doing at the moment. In one breath I'll be congratuled on getting out the house and the next feeling belittled for refusing an invitation because when their baby was this age they took them mountain biking in the Himalayas just for a laugh.

For context I have good and bad days, some house work gets done (mainly when people are due over) and I'll be dressed and presentable, but then there are days like today where I have taken the baby carrier out of the box with the intention of strapping dd in and sorting out some house work, taken one look at all the straps and abandoned it to sit on the sofa in my pj's and eat matchmakers between feeds feeling guilty.

This week has been a busy one and this is the first day I haven't had to be somewhere or travel to anyone and frankly I'm shattered but can't shake this vague feeling I should be doing something and if I admitted this to anyone I'd be massively judged and earn another medal worthy anecdote.

Is there a standard cut off point where flaking because of the baby is pathetic? If I'm still up and down at say.. two months, are more eyebrows going to be raised?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I was out and about a lot after having my baby but she's a summer baby so the weather lent itself.

If I had a four week old now it would be different. The weather is horrible!

[museumum]

In my experience the whole first year has so many ups and downs. I had days I was out running with the buggy or at buggy bootcamp enjoying it and days I couldn't get out the house. Babies go through periods they get into a pattern and then periods everything changes and sleep goes out the window (often called "regressions"). dint ever worry about what other people think, just do what you feel you can and want to (some people feel better when keeping busy, others need to do less).

[pickledparsnip]

You're doing great. I spent the first 3 months mostly in bed, feeding my son and trying to rest. It took me about a year to get over the shock of him! Just take each day as it comes. It is fucking utterly exhausting.

[Etak15]

This is perfectly normal -esp in winter too! I was same with my first & 2nd number 3 I was a bit more out and about but she was a summer baby and I think that makes all the difference somehow (well did for me) also felt more confident breastfeeding in public etc and had got used to driving with baby (which I was v. Nervous of with my 1st) with number 4 I was absolutely wiped out! He was born early December and I managed to get out to the dc nativity plays and that was about it!! Didn't do the school run again till they returned in Jan - that was lovely

[Sparrowlegs248]

DS is 5 months old. At your stage I found it very hard to not be able to just do stuff . Breast feeding is rather morrow time consuming than i had anticipated!! Esp in those early days. What helped me was to realise that I am not 'doing nothing' I am caring for (keeping alive!!) a tiny new human. That little human just wants to be fed and cuddled. So I did consider myself wonder woman to have us both washed and dressed and have washed up.

I also quickly learnt too plan only one thing per day. So a baby group OR shopping OR doctors. On good days i might get all three done but best not to plan to.

I also do housework when i have visitors. They get to hold/entertain baby while i do a quick half hour.

It gets easier. :-)

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

My first trip out with DD was to the breastfeeding clinic because I was desperate to get her latch sorted. I couldn't get her car seat out of the car. While I was trying it rained all over the lean so I couldn't lie her in that to take her in either. Happily she was completely contented the whole time and I walked into the clinic with her just in my arms.

If you saw me walking in with a newborn wrapped in what happened to be her beautiful white handmade by MIL receiving blanket, it would have been a TOTALLY different picture to the woman who was outside sobbing down the phone to her DH while wrestling with the car seat 5 min earlier.

It really is all about perceptions.

For a very lucky few the stars might all align and everything just so happens to be easy- good for them. But for the most part, the Himalayan mountain bikers don't tell you that the reason they had the energy is because they'd pretty much flung the baby at their DP's head the night before and told him that they HAD to have some sleep or else go crazy. Nor do they tell you that they spent the next six weeks recovering!

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Lean=pram!

[tinyterrors]

You're doing fine.

When my dds were newborns I was happy as long as the house wasn't a health hazard, we had food and clean clothes.

Mind are all winter babies and the last thing I wanted to do with a tint baby was drag us outside in the cold, especially since I don't drive. If I wanted to go out then I did, but most days I just wanted to lounge around the house enjoying newborn cuddles.

With my younger two I'd spend weekends and school holidays in pj's/comfy clothes and just stay inside and try to keep on top of the housework, which didn't always happen.

At four weeks you're still finding your feet and if you don't want to go out then don't and ignore everyone else. It may be a cliché but babies grow so fast so enjoy the lazy days of newborn cuddles while you can.

[timealone]

I regret yielding to the pressure to get out and about when DS was tiny. One day when he was 2 weeks old, I got us up and out to a baby group by 9am because a friend had invited me. A couple of days later, my mum had me out at a National Trust place for a day out. DS didn't like being in the pram, and cried in the car on the way back. I couldn't breastfeed him properly, particularly not in public, so the whole experience was not very enjoyable.

Many of my NCT friends were out at all sorts by this age, eg. baby cinema, long walks etc. I felt that I wasn't very capable by comparison as I hadn't managed to do anything like that. In fact, I ended up doing even less by about 6 weeks as I was also expressing milk 8x per day and it all got too much. By 12 weeks, I felt much more able to get out and about (and by that I mean once per day!). DS was much happier by this age and I had dropped expressing to 2x per day.

It only really matters what you and your baby want, as you have no other dependants. Baby just needs feeding and cuddles etc, so it is just a case of what you will be happier doing. My DS is now 16 months, and by 9am every morning he brings me his shoes and is banging on the door to get outside. I would cherish the time spent on the sofa watching box sets if I were you - the only tv I get to watch in the daytime now is Thomas the Tank Engine!

[LauraMipsum]

When I had DD a friend passed on a nugget of advice she'd been given (from a grandmother I think) - recovery time after a non-traumatic delivery should be "two weeks IN the bed, two weeks ON the bed and two weeks AROUND the bed."

If you're out of bed you're doing well.

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

I really like that LauraMipsum!

My baby is 17 weeks today... Sometimes we are out all day... And other days I stay in my PJs all day.

As someone already said - it's all about perception. I took my baby out just a couple of weeks in and people were amazed. But they hadn't seen me crying for days on end when we first left the hospital.

I agree with everyone who has told you to cherish This time while you still can - it won't be long until your baby is no longer content to just nurse and cuddle!

And please don't be so hard on yourself - you're doing just fine.

[TotalConfucius]

When both of mine were at this age, I'm sure I spent most of the time snuggled up watching BBC News 24.
When DH got home I might not have thought about dinner, but by god all that talk about today's movements in the financial markets sure distracted him from his pot noodle on micro rice dinners!

Baby in the house = all bets are off.

[BumWad]

I started getting out of the house and doing things around 4.5 months. DS is now 7 months and I feel 'normal' ish. You are doing great

[LilacRain]

You're doing fine!

I mainly stayed indoors the first 2weeks after birth, then ventured out for short walks with pram, then at 4weeks started using baby carrier for longer outings. Some days I spent all day napping and eating! By 6weeks I felt much better physically in that I could sit down comfortably and felt less exhausted. By 8weeks I felt almost normal physically, started taking baby everywhere in carrier, took train and bus without feeling anxious etc. my DS is now 14weeks, we go out most days and happily spend whole days out.

Just take it in your own time. Build up your strength, eat plenty, recover, rest. As long as you're not bored at home there's no need to go out unless you want to. I found going out in the early weeks very tiring and draining but it gets easier.

Try to make friends with other new mums, it helps a lot to have company.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Congratulations OP - you sound like you're doing really well.

Remember that getting out of the house at this stage is purely for you - if it helps you then do it, if it isn't then don't worry about it (probably not very good for you to stay in on your own for weeks on end but you know what I mean) I did quite a bit with dc1 from around the 8 week stage but also realised we needed days at home where we had no pressure to do much at all - at least once a week, sometimes more.

There's no right or wrong. And so many variables - how you are post birth, how settled your baby is, how easy or not feeding is, how much sleep you're getting, how much support you have etc etc etc.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Oh and this thread has made me feel insanely broody and I am way too old to have any more babies. So thanks for that

[steppemum]

every delivery is different and every baby is different.

with ds, I was floored. At 5 weeks I walked to local shop and had to sit down, I was weak, and pelvic floor couldn't cope. Had to sit for half an hour before walking home (2 min walk). I was physically flattened by that birth.

with dd2, at 3 weeks, took baby and 2 pre-schoolers to London to see the dinosaurs and Christmas lights! Birth had been pretty easy.

Just relax and do what YOU feel YOU can do. If that means absolutely zero, because you are both fast asleep, so be it.
As to timing, well, a baby who sleeps through and knows day and night might mean that at 2 months you are busy and active, and a baby who is the opposite might mean you are still drained.

[CerseiHeartsJaime4ever]

Ah, you had your baby the same week I had DS1! It was 3 weeks before Xmas, people just KEPT popping over and expecting tea/food, everyone was telling me to do this/that, I should be going out more/less... It was exactly as you describe. Xmas day was a battle ground as I didn't want to spend 6 hours at my IL's when I was trying to get DS to latch!

What you are doing is perfectly normal. Ignore them all. Do what you want and enjoy baby. Congrats

[chocoLit]

OP you're not too late to join an antenatal board for the month the wee one was born? You'll have other posters on here to converse with and gauge what everyone else is doing. If you haven't already that is?

It was a life saver for me with DC3 and we're all still blethering away almost 8yrs later

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

Congratulations! you and your baby look gorgeous.

Easier said than done, but you really have to set your own pace with this. I was like you, constantly beating myself up about what I was or was not doing. When the baby was a few months old I wished I had slacked out more at the beginning when it would have been "allowed" - but honestly in my heart of hearts I felt it never was - and now I look back and think that I should have realised perfectly well it was "allowed" whenever I needed it, and staying in bed for a morning when the baby was two weeks old wouldn't have magically meant I had no tiredness 3 months later anyway.

Please try to be clear with yourself about what is your need to feel you have done something, had a chance of scene, some action or a small achievement; and what is imposed externally. Go with the former, as they are important for your mental health (if you are honestly sick of matchmakers, get up and do something else, even if it is nearly getting dark!); BUT if you do feel the need to do some things, and do them, be honest with yourself about how much they may knacker you out and if you need to recover then do; and DO NOT make them into bench marks that can be used to beat yourself up ("well I walked 2 miles yesterday and visited a friend, what is wrong with me today, am I going backwards?" - NO this is TERRIBLE thinking)

I wasn't ready to take on some quite moderate things when my baby was 6 weeks, I remember this because I was thinking "Oh at 6 weeks I should be back to normal". Bollocks. Really try your hardest to work out what is good for you and the baby, and do that.

[austengirl]

You're doing great cornettoninja! Mine is nearly 7 weeks and there have been days where we go for a walk or lunch and others where all plans go completely out the window. I was worried that Christmas was going to be really stressful with family to entertain but it's been ok and now that the holidays are over we can spend our days differently. Personally I like getting out as it helps keep me sane and fresh air is good for DC but that doesn't happen every day and that's OK. It took a good few weeks to feel any sense of recovering from the birth and I was a nervous wreck the first time we went in to town but we all survived.

You'll find a rhythm that works for you. And I'm trying to enjoy the cuddles as much as possible, always good advice. Lots of luck and just take things one day at a time.

[ginorwine]

It's ok to be who you are .
Don't listen to others as some will say one thing , others another and you can tie yourself in knots .
Listen hard to what you feel is right .
A bit of fresh air every day , even if half an hour , was my thing .it energised and calmed me even if it was dark by the time I got out .
Be kind to yourself

[BathshebaDarkstone]

I didn't get out of the house until DD was 10 weeks old! I had to be more organised with DS as at 4 months we all had to be out of the house by 8.30 to take DD to school. I used to put his coat over his pyjamas.

[knobblyknee]

You have to learn to say 'yes, you are so right, gosh you've really given me something to think about,' while just letting the words flow in one ear and out the other without them contacting the brain.

No one else matters, no one, stuff everyone who is not actually giving you practical assistance with shopping and housework. They dont count.

If you lived in a tribe you;d still be living in seclusion away from the men or something.

[DinoSnores]

bathsheba, why are you embarrassed about that? I don't even dress my children in anything other than babygros until they are about 6 months old!