To ask what the standard expectation with a newborn actually is?

[Cornettoninja]

I had dd four weeks ago on Sunday and am still very much finding my feet. In my mind it wasn't a great birth, physically there was a fair bit of intervention and injury to recover from, and I don't have any female family and very few close friends so am finding myself questioning whether I am being a lightweight or if I'm doing ok.

I'm getting massively mixed messages from people (sometimes the same people) about what I should be capable or want to be doing at the moment. In one breath I'll be congratuled on getting out the house and the next feeling belittled for refusing an invitation because when their baby was this age they took them mountain biking in the Himalayas just for a laugh.

For context I have good and bad days, some house work gets done (mainly when people are due over) and I'll be dressed and presentable, but then there are days like today where I have taken the baby carrier out of the box with the intention of strapping dd in and sorting out some house work, taken one look at all the straps and abandoned it to sit on the sofa in my pj's and eat matchmakers between feeds feeling guilty.

This week has been a busy one and this is the first day I haven't had to be somewhere or travel to anyone and frankly I'm shattered but can't shake this vague feeling I should be doing something and if I admitted this to anyone I'd be massively judged and earn another medal worthy anecdote.

Is there a standard cut off point where flaking because of the baby is pathetic? If I'm still up and down at say.. two months, are more eyebrows going to be raised?

[Concerned97]

There are no expectations, enjoy your baby, do what suits you and your family, no pressures.

However you ABU to eat matchmakers, it's Christmas a time for quality street and roses!

[Wineandpopcorn]

my baby is also 4 weeks old and I got earache last night about leaving the family party early and not drinking, as I am so bloody exhausted . other people are knobs

[Wineandpopcorn]

and this me now, in pj's on the settee where I don't plan on moving from all day, so please don't feel bad!!

[ImogenTubbs]

I was up and down at six months as DD was such an atrocious sleeper! Ignore everyone and enjoy your baby

[Cornettoninja]

Wine - all that hair! Congratulations

[BertieBotts]

No such thing as a standard expectation, I don't think - everyone has different ideas and experiences!

[Windingstreamswithoutends]

I barely remember the first 4 weeks, it's all a blur, but I do remember going out at about 6 weeks to a baby group and having numerous people tell me they didn't go out for the first three months and I was doing really well. Like you I thought I should be out there doing 'stuff.'

I'd say generally around 3-4 months things get easier - but now at 6 months there are still days where nothing gets done bar the basics!

You are doing splendidly

[Wineandpopcorn]

Congratulations to you too!

[1AngelicFruitCake]

I think having such a young baby at this time of year is really hard. My friend had a 6 week old at Christmas and found the madness of new baby + Christmas/new year to be really stressful. Whereas I had my baby in summer when you could easily go for an evening walk and everything felt at a slower pace. Don't worry, it sounds like you're doing well

[Dontunderstand01]

I was one of the first to have a baby in my group of friends. I often was concerned about travelling to big events or getting out with ds. They were so "supportive" telling me I could do anything. I ran myself ragged trying to maintain a social life and look after ds. Now they are having kids it's a totally different kettle of fish. For example, I was expected to drive 3 hrs to attend friends wedding with 6 week old ds. Which I dutifully did as it wouldn't be the same without me apparently. Amother wedding over a year letter and same friend couldn't possibly travel the same distance with her 4 month old as it was too much.

As you can tell, I am still fuming. But really I am most mad at myself for not sticking to my guns and prioritising those lovely snuggly at home days.

Put yourself and your baby first. Knickers to everyone else.

[Jux]

Congratulations!

We were told we would be zombies for 18 months after the birth. I certainly was, dh not too bad.

Doing anything at all after a hard birth, let alone entertaining, in the first week or so is magnificent!

[Indantherene]

I'm sure I read something years ago that said pregnancy was effectively a year, and the first 3 months of the baby's life should be counted as the 4th trimester, ie slow recovery for you.

My DD1 was born in February in a house with no central heating. We basically vegged out in the living room by the gas fire until spring .

[PoundingTheStreets]

I guess to the outside world I looked like one of those well-coping mothers - back to work at 6 weeks in a normal routine of sorts. Truth is that I felt like crap for most of the time and didn't really feel like me again until DC were approaching 18 months (twins). When I was managing to live up to parenting expectations I felt like I was somehow letting 'me' down as my identity was being completely subsumed into meeting those parenting expectations (e.g. no energy, time, support to do things just for me). I remember many occasions where I felt like a complete failure.

Was a while ago for me, but I have never forgot how much it tested me, even though I also adored by DTs and have never regretted having them. Whenever I meet a new mum I always make a point of asking about her rather than the baby, to remind her (and wider society) that she counts too and that mum's needs have to be met if baby's needs are going to be met. We place far too high expectations on new mothers IMO.

You sound like you're doing fine OP. And congratulations.

[imwithspud]

DD2 is 7months and I'm having a day like that today (eldest is 3). Things have been super hectic over the past couple of weeks so we're all having a day of chilling out, eating chocolate and being comfortable.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Wine. Look at you and your baby enjoying those new born snuggles. Awwwwww

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

My baby's 16. And I haven't moved all day. Im still in bed.

[FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld]

Four weeks is nothing at all, especially after a tough birth. If you feel up to housework and outings, do as much of them as you like, but you're still postpartum. You shouldn't be doing anything unless and until you want to.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

My baby is also four weeks Sunday!
I've just been out today shopping with my daughter and left ds with my husband and tbh I felt like I'd lost a limb. I've refused lots of invitations out and some people I know have been out and about from day one. I don't care, it's up to the individual what they do when and how capable they feel

[Marzipanface]

Massive congratulations. Ignore everyone and do what is best for you and your lovely baby.

[ChipsandGuac]

I shouldn't have clicked on this thread. It's making me broody.

Congrats to all you new mums!

[MrsMook]

I've had two very different rough births following draining pregnancies. My energy level started at my first walk of 100m to the end of the road an back at about 10 days then crashing out in bed to recover!

First time it was 8 weeks before I felt physically and mentally ready to drive. I hadn't driven in the last weeks of pregnancy so wanted to feel fairly human first. Second time it was a month. Really, it was about 3 months before new routines and regular trips out were established.

Even now with a 2 year old and 5 year old, it's nice to take an opportunity to do very little and vegetate rather than herding them out of the house.

[Sighing]

Goodness, that's not long! Your body is still recovering physically. Your hormones are still yo-yoing to some extent!
Please be much kinder to yourself. It's the time of year to stay in anyway! Follow your instincts, focus on your baby for now. Meet the world as and when you're so motivated. But allow these days "out" for yourself anytime (ongoing). They are so important!

[abbieanders]

I regret allowing myself to be pressurised into doing more than I felt really up to early on. I wasn't really ready and I should have been resting more. In fact, there's still an extended family member I can barely look at, even after seven months, because he did something not very awful which seemed like a crisis in my state. There's a reason why women who've had little babies keep telling you to rest, rest, go easy on yourself.

[NormaStits]

I was in your position last year, almost to the day. I'd barely had time to start some kind of routine, when Christmas and all my in law family commitments upended it. So at the beginning of Jan, I was almost starting again. She was sleeping 3am-noon, thanks to family parties where I couldn't settle her and the house was upside down from the 3 teenage step children's Christmas.

Didn't stop my OH from coming home from work and saying 'God this house is a mess, what have you been doing all day?' and 'at least you get to lie in bed all morning'. I veered between being furious and distraught that I wasn't doing well enough.

Now I look back and think, fuck that! Sitting feeding my baby and resting is all I should have been doing then! Not cleaning up after 3 teens and another adult! I was made to feel like I was 'just at home' so should have been earning my keep by doing all the housework. The hormones screwed up my perception of this but now I wish I'd stood up for myself more.

Focus on the baby. If you can get up and do chores or go out, do. If you can't, take the time to rest and cherish those early days. It's amazing how quickly they get wriggly and want to be away playing and exploring, you've only got a couple of months of completely submissive cuddles so get them in while you can.

The people who say these stupid things clearly have amnesia. My oh has clearly forgotten what it was like to have tiny babies at home. I hope I never do and never make another woman feel bad about what she has or hasn't achieved on those early weeks.

Fwiw, one year on and I still have days in my pjs where I sleep when she naps. Not often, but they do happen.