To ask what the standard expectation with a newborn actually is?

[Cornettoninja]

I had dd four weeks ago on Sunday and am still very much finding my feet. In my mind it wasn't a great birth, physically there was a fair bit of intervention and injury to recover from, and I don't have any female family and very few close friends so am finding myself questioning whether I am being a lightweight or if I'm doing ok.

I'm getting massively mixed messages from people (sometimes the same people) about what I should be capable or want to be doing at the moment. In one breath I'll be congratuled on getting out the house and the next feeling belittled for refusing an invitation because when their baby was this age they took them mountain biking in the Himalayas just for a laugh.

For context I have good and bad days, some house work gets done (mainly when people are due over) and I'll be dressed and presentable, but then there are days like today where I have taken the baby carrier out of the box with the intention of strapping dd in and sorting out some house work, taken one look at all the straps and abandoned it to sit on the sofa in my pj's and eat matchmakers between feeds feeling guilty.

This week has been a busy one and this is the first day I haven't had to be somewhere or travel to anyone and frankly I'm shattered but can't shake this vague feeling I should be doing something and if I admitted this to anyone I'd be massively judged and earn another medal worthy anecdote.

Is there a standard cut off point where flaking because of the baby is pathetic? If I'm still up and down at say.. two months, are more eyebrows going to be raised?

[DinoSnores]

I found life much easier with my first if I at least got outside into fresh air for 20 minutes each day. (With subsequent ones, you don't really get the choice!) I find for myself that if I stay in my pyjamas and stay in, it drags me down a bit

That said, with the subsequent ones, I have really missed the lazy (not quite the right word!), relaxing days just the two of us that DC1 and I had, when I could just sit on the sofa or in bed and read, watch TV, snuggle, doze, get to know him. It all gets a bit more functional when you add more children who need changed, fed, taken to school, entertained.

Those days with DC1 were precious and I feel a bit sorry for the others that they didn't get them too!

Have a lovely time!

[SkibadeeDoodle]

I was completely knocked out with my first baby. I 'got out of the house' fairly early on and tried to do normal things, because I felt this great pressure to be 'back to normal', but inside I was pretty zoned out, completely knocked sideways by the sleep deprivation and recovery from birth, and felt like the walking dead - probably for about 6 months minimum, maybe longer. Actually, when I look back at that time now, I see I wasn't really functioning on all cylinders until my DC1 slept through the night, which was well into his second year...

There is absolutely no right or wrong. You learn that as you go along. Adjusting to looking after a tiny human being is hard and affects people differently. I had a shocker of a birth (ending in emergency section) and I just don't 'do' sleep deprivation well in any way, so for me it took a long time. My best friend, on the other hand, is one of those lucky types who just pops them out, zips up her size 10 jeans and is out hiking within weeks. .

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly, anyway. 4 weeks is very very early on in the whole affair. Please dont stress yourself out x

[PennyHasNoSurname]

At four weeks post birth my aims were
*get us through the day alive
*have a brew
*attempt some fresh air
*make sure there was food for me and dh for the evening - not that I was always going to cook it!

You are doing grand!!

[Creampastry]

1. is your baby happy? If yes, perfect day!
   
2. are you happy? If yes, bloody brilliant!
   
3. if house spotless? If yes, what's wrong with you?! Answer should be no!
   
4. are your friends baby's sleeping through the night, eating properly and generally perfect? If yes, your friends are talking bollicks, or one day soon, it will all go to pot for them!

[PenguinsAreAce]

Sounds normal to me! When ds was 9 months it suddenly dawned on me that I would never be able just to lounge around with a baby again, as with any futur babies I'd have a toddler to run round after again. That day I got up at 10.30am, got dressed after lunch, and spent the afternoon in Caffe Nero chatting with friends.

I have 4 DCs now and work almost full time. I was spot on. With the younger two, during mag leave it was not just toddler chasing, but school and then school and nursery runs, plus extracurricular activities for th eldest by the time DC4 arrived. Enjoy not having to be anywhere, and if you feel like don't nothing then do that.

[LBOCS2]

My DM was brilliant for this. For the first three months after I had PFB, she would tell me how well I was doing if she came over and I was dressed (shower optional). Literally, she'd say "oh, you're doing well!" when I answered the door to her - no matter what time it was.

So this was basically my standard for the first few months. Getting dressed. You're doing great

[manateeandcake]

Please don't feel guilty or worry about what others think! You are recovering from a major physical trauma, your hormones are all over the place, I imagine you're somewhat sleep deprived you need to rest and recover as much as possible. Do what you feel like doing. If that's enertaining, going out with the baby, whatever that's great as long as you don't wear yourself out. If it's staying in bed or on the sofa, that's great too.

I had dc2 10 weeks ago and I vowed to be as easy on myself as possible because in hindsight I think I put too much pressure on myself to get out and about really quickly with dc1 and actually wish I'd spent more time lounging/feeding in PJs. Of course the irony is with 2 I just don't have that option very often! But whenever I start to feel guilty about "doing nothing" I remind myself that I'm keeping another human alive. I highly recommend the book What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen for a refreshing perspective on maternal guilt and how nurturing is undervalued. Sorry for the rant, but this whole idea that the goal is to pop out a baby and be "back to normal" as soon as possible makes me cross - just another way to make women feel inadequate.

[ohtheholidays]

Take it from someone who has had 5DC,there is no wrong or right way.Tell the one's that are making you feel bad to FUCK OFF! I seriously cannot stand and have no time for the women that try to turn labour,birth and child rearing into a competitive sport!

Your are doing really well and it sounds like you've been rushed off your feet,try giving yourself a break for a while and have some lovely relaxed resty days.The early days are so special and they really do go to fast and believe me no one has ever regretted having enough special baby and Mum time,just relaxing and getting to know your new baby.But there are plenty of Mum's out there that regret pushing themselves to hard,that regret worrying about the housework,about what other people thought,about how they looked,about the baby weight,about getting out of the house all the time and sadly we can never get those early days back.

So rest and make the most of the time alone with your new little miracle and Congratulations

[Damselindestress]

Don't compare yourself to others, do what you feel comfortable with. Comparison is pointless because people have different birth experiences and rates of recovery and sadly some people feel the need to exaggerate to make themselves look better. It's not a competition.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

'All fed, no- one dead' is a good mantra.
I had to get out and about at least a couple of times a week from early on, as I would have gone stir- crazy . But I also had days when I was lucky if I got dressed by lunchtime.

[babyheave]

At that age I was doing well if we both managed to get dressed 😄

Sounds like you're doing fine and don't fret about what anyone else many think.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I'd consider it a major triumph just managing to get out of my nightie. Do what you want and what you think you are capable of. If that's relaxing in your PJs eating Matchmakers, then so be it. The housework police don't do home visits on NYD anyway.

[Lurkedforever1]

You aren't being pathetic and the only expectation is your baby is cared for.

However while there is nothing wrong at all with enjoying taking it easy, sitting in pjs etc, if you're feeling guilty about it you aren't enjoying it. Which is usually one of two things. Either a) you feel you should live up to someone else's opinion. Or b) you are one of those people who just feel better in themselves for being busy/ up and about.

If a) is why you feel guilty, then the solution is to realise that beyond basic needs, birth and a newborn isn't about what anyone else chose to do but about what you want to do.
If it's b), well some people do feel happier in themselves being showered and dressed in the morning, being out and about and doing stuff. In which case give it a try.

But it's about going the route that suits you and your life. Not doing one or the other because you feel obliged to. As long as you are doing anything that needs doing then don't feel bad whichever way you go.

[BalloonSlayer]

I remember going on my first trip on my own into town when DC1 was 6 weeks old (I remember his age because I had had a caesarean and I obediently didn't drive for six weeks). It was AWFUL. I struggled with the pram, with the car seat, went to about 2 shops and then he started crying.

I got back to the car and started struggling with the pram and the car seat all over again. I was EXHAUSTED - felt like I could lay down and die. I saw two young women with babies in push chairs cross the car park not far away. They were chatting and laughing.

I stared at them incredulously. How could they be laughing? How could they find this so easy? What secret knowledge or skills did they have that I didn't that made this all so effortless for them? I could not have been more astonished and envious if they had been turning somersaults and cartwheels as well.

Fast forward a couple of months and I was perfectly able to manage a trip to the shops and YES!!! even laugh while I was doing it.

It will get easier. And now I am envious of your time feeding and cuddling with your lovely newborn - a time which I shall never have again.

[CalleighDoodle]

It is how you feel that matters. Indont thi j you sound happy with your days. When i had my first i ensured every morning the first thing indid after baby's morning mils was shower and get dressed, hair and make up done. The midwife actually came to visit me on the second day (homebirth) was suprised and said i would be able to manage that all the time. I never missed my morning shower because it is improtant to me to feel clean and ready to face the day. If i havent showered in a morning i feel skanky, lathargic and get far less done. My husband left for work at 5.20am and got home at 7pm so it was important i felt ready to take on the day, and showering and getting ready for my personally is absolutely crucial to that.

I had groups i went to most morning. Baby music class, nct group tea and cakes with other mums of newborns, baby sign, pram fitness class at the park (mums get fit, babies sleep), baby swimming from 16 weeks and whatever i fancied at the local Sure start centres.

I made friends at all these places and that's what makes the long days more bearable and manageable. (also it meant my MIL couldnt find me mwah ha ha ha).

[CalleighDoodle]

What i never mamaged to do was get to the hair dressers! I so wish i knew then how easy it is to dye my hair with those £8 kits from the supermarket!

[WeepingInTheBushes]

Oh god I'd love to be hunkered down with a newborn! Those days are the best, and they go so quickly. Make the most of them, they are literally priceless. Congratulations on your baby!

[riverboat1]

My god, I have NO children and still have days I barely make it out of my pyjamas, and dont feel bad refusing invitations to things in favour of sitting on the sofa watching TV and eating random crap. Because life is comfortable like that sometimes, and I don't feel I have to be out doing stuff all the time just because some people would have me believe I should. So having a baby, putting your body through that, not enough sleep, at the Beck and call of a screaming infant...my GOD don't feel bad about doing WHATEVER is most comfortable and comforting for you. Good on you for having up days at all, I say. And ignore smug Himalayan mountain hikers, they will not be all they seem.

[dlwelly]

Good days and bad days are totally normal. We had a day when we went halfway across the country to see relatives but lots of days where I didn't manage to have a shower until 9pm.

Try not to think of them as 'bad' days - if your baby is fed and content then that's a good day. Anything else is a bonus.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

I still have days where I don't get dressed before 11 (or later) when the older 3 aren't in school/nursery & the baby is 6 months old now.

House work will always be there, your little baby will grow, fast!

An old (she must have been at least 90) lady said to me when I was waiting for my eldest 1st injections. People are coming to see your baby not the house as long as the kitchen & bathroom have had a wipe around, if they say anything about the rest tell them where the hoover is

[anewyear]

What liveinalighthouse said.
Go with your instinct/gut feeling,
Smile and nod at those telling you otherwise.
Oh and congratulations.

[noeffingidea]

To me the expectations were -
both of us fed and hydrated
Both of us clean and dressed
Personally I did go out every day. I don't like staying indoors.
Basic minimum of housework done, just enough for you to feel safe and comfortable in your surroundings. Obviously things like cleaning the toilet, wiping the kitchen worktops down.
I didn't use a carrier to do the housework though. All my kids liked being in their rocking chairs during the day, then I could carry them from room to room with me. If they were restless I used to pop them in front of the washing machine (while a wash was on) and it used to send them to sleep.

[Potatoface2]

you mean you havent done the himalaya trip yet!!!....ignore the 'perfect' people, they dont exixt....my youngset is 17...im currently still in bed 3.30pm in the afternoon and eating chocolate...do it in your own time and enjoy your baby while you can, they soon grow up

[Cornettoninja]

Jesus, thanks so much everyone it's such a relief to read your responses.

Tangerine - your point about societies portrayal and the reality of experience not quite matching up strikes a cord. Tbh I found that during pregnancy as well but had the reserves to cheerfully (!) call people liars when they waxed on about various stages passing and then it all being about glowing and wafting I went from shitty symptom to shitty symptom! I will look up that book too so thanks for the recommendation.

The point about seeing other mums pushing their babies about looking normal resonated as well - I found myself yesterday at an appointment and amazed that they were managing it with washed hair and no sign of madness in their eyes!

I think a lot of it is stemming from us been the last couple to start our family in our circle/dp's family, so when the invitations come I kind of expect them to think they're offering a reasonably doable task, iyswim, so end up forcing myself to go along with it.

[kaitlinktm]

I still have pyjama/matchmaker/box set days now - and my last baby was born 28 years ago!

People did a lot of stealth boasting in those days too - walking miles into town with baby in a sling at just a few weeks old, going camping under canvas at some ridiculously young age etc. In the end, with one friend in particular I just used to say "Oh I can't be bothered doing that!" which took the wind out of her sails - and guess what? We all survived.