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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to make DD change schools when she doesn't want to?

50 replies

livvielunch · 29/12/2015 23:53

DD is 9 and attends a junior school 2.5 miles from our house. I have a 4 yo DD with ASC and don't want her to attend the same infant school her sister did because it isn't great for SEN and the transition to junior school later on would be massively unsettling for her, plus I have two other younger children so I'd eventually have three school drop offs to do in a heavily congested town.

DD isn't excelling at school though she's above average. She has one best friend but she regularly leaves dd out and makes her really upset. DD really likes her teacher but never comes out of school particularly happy or enthusiastic about her day; she often complains it's boring and monotonous. One of the schools I'm applying for for her sister has a space for her too and I've asked how she feels about moving school but she is set against it. I've explained it's impossible to do both school runs so she'd have to go to before school club and asked what her objections are but she says she just doesn't want to move.

I can't really afford to pay for before school club and the only school close enough to her junior school for her sister to go to is the infant school she went to. Aibu to move her against her wishes?

OP posts:

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 07:39

Why would it be three different school runs in a few years? Most secondary age children travel on their own to school, and the younger children would presumably go to the same school as DD2?

Is there anyone DD1 can travel with if she stays at her current school? Bear in mind also that DD2 may be entitled to help with school transport, despite the school being nearby.

TheXxed · 30/12/2015 07:40

I would move DC1, make sure that you don't frame it around the move being for the benefit of DC2.

When you talk about the new school always centre it on it being the best fit for DC1.

temporarilyjerry · 30/12/2015 08:26

I moved DS2 in year 9. He didn't want to move. The main reason for moving him was that he had friendships in which 'banter' featured heavily and he wasn't coping emotionally. We moved him to the school that DD attends. DS1 still attends the first school.

DS2 was adamant that he wasn't changing schools. He would barricade himself in his bedroom, he would run away, we can't make him.

Two terms later, he is happily settled into his new school, is doing well academically and has positive, supportive friendships.

You are the adult. You are equipped to make the best decisions for your family. Your DD will cope.

Moonriver1 · 30/12/2015 08:31

Agree with Xxx and Jerry

Don't mean this in a stuff and nonsense way at all, I am very child centred, but it is not appropriate for a 9 year old to make this kind of decisions.

In fact it can be scary for children to be given too much power or responsibility.

You are the one who should make these big decisions for your family, agree don't frame it to be about your other child, make it all seem positive and right for the whole family. Acknowledge her worries or feelings about it all and talk about them.

I changed school at 10, my dh did at 8, our two oldest did at 6 and 8 respectively. We were all fine!

Duckdeamon · 30/12/2015 08:33

Is the closer school as good in terms of results, ofsted etc?

What's your plan for secondary for DD1?

As PPs say it sounds like if you move her she could (reasonably) resent you and her sibling for prioritising her sibling and not finding a way for her to stay until the end of year 6.

Are there changes you could make to pay for before/after school club for 2 years?

Duckdeamon · 30/12/2015 08:35

A friend recently moved her DS at 8 to a different school after a house move . He didn't seem to have friends at his first school and was happy to move before the event. It went badly because he was very upset at the new school for two terms, missed his old school, friends etc and she managed to move him back.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 30/12/2015 08:55

I would move DD. Sadly too many parents allow a child to dictate their secondary school (ok secondary instead of grammar because that is where all their current friends are going)

An adult can make an informed choice, a 9 year old or even 11 year child cannot make this decision.

I will say that I moved house when Ds1 was 8 to get into catchment for an amazing secondary school. He is now in year 8 and thriving there but left behind his best mate who now attends a different secondary with all the children who went to their primary. He knew that we had moved for that reason.

Schrodingersmum · 30/12/2015 10:40

Just an additional thought, depending on how full your schools are, if DD1 moves to the new school prior to your application for DD2 this will hopefully give sibling priority for DD2 to secure a place

We have a late diagnosed ASD dd, it may well be that the new school will be better placed to nurture your DD1 as well as her younger sister if her present school is not good for special needs children

LyndaNotLinda · 30/12/2015 10:55

Is this the same 9 year old that is the only child you have who isn't also your DP's, that you're not going to take to Disneyland because she's in a 'moody pre-teen phase', and who you also suspect may have ASD as she doesn't cope at all well with change?

G1veMeStrength · 30/12/2015 11:05

I wouldn't move DC1. I'd drop her off as early as feasible and then take DC2 in ever so slightly late - if that is possible to put into her SEN plan and if it would help her by not arriving at the crazy busy time?

notenoughbottle · 30/12/2015 11:06

I needed to move my eldest son aged 8 because he was being seriously let down by his previous school due to him having some SEN. It meant I also had to move my 6 year old who was dead set against it and loved the old school (although he wasn't particularly doing that educationally well there either). Fast forward a year and very mature ds2 now agrees this was the best decision ever and is thriving at new school along with ds1. They both love it there. Move her - you're the adult. Plus there's no way you can be in that many places at once!

whois · 30/12/2015 11:12

She's 9. She isn't yet capable of making decision about her education in a logical and rational manner. You are the adult, you make this decision.

Havingafieldday · 30/12/2015 11:17

Is she year 5 or year 4? If year 5 then definitely don't move her, there's no point for 18 months. If year 4 then weigh up the pros and cons, take her to have a look round and think really hard. We did the MN terrible thing of moving our younger one from our local state school as it was failing her and put her in a prep school. We left our year 4 at the state primary as we felt the advantages of moving him against his will would be less than him staying where he was happy and comfortable. Had he been in year 3, I think we would have moved him. The school run was a pain in the neck but with after school (free) activities and some Rotas with other parents we made it work. He's in year 8 now and I have asked him recently if he wishes he had moved and his answer is a resounding NO, he would have hated to. They'll both be at the same secondary though and I will be so pleased to have o-ordinating holidays but it has definitely been worth the hassle in the long term

barsteward · 30/12/2015 11:20

Yes lyndanotlinda

She's also the one the OP wants to go and live wih her dad because she's hard work.

OP really seems to have it in for this poor child and posts about her repeatedly.

icandothis64 · 30/12/2015 11:24

For what it's worth I moved both of my DCs at different times and for different reasons. They were slightly younger than your DD. Neither of them wanted to move school at them time. Both of them have thrived since then and look back now and say it was the best thing. I moved mine for very specific reasons related to each child. THey are both different ends of the academic scale.

It was a really hard decision both times and I agonised esp due to their reluctance.

As the adult though I had to believe that it was in each of their best interests to move. Something they cannot decide. Even at your daughters age.

So the brutal question is. Are you contemplating this to make your life easier or because it will be a better school for your DD? Or both?

Even if the answer is he first one that's not a reason not to do it if that makes sense? As long as you don't believe it will harm her.

Hope that helps. Good luck. I know how hard that decision is.

VikingVolva · 30/12/2015 11:26

Did you decide whether you're going to Disneyland?

Because if you can afford that, you can probably manage the necessary before/after school clubs for your eldest DD for the time until she goes to secondary.

Your other threads show the difficult dynamic there already is. I do not think that moving her school against her wishes will do anything other than exacerbate the problems.

PerspicaciaTick · 30/12/2015 11:26

It sounds to me as though the school move is non-negotiable really. And I think it is crueler to offer your DD the illusion of being given a choice, only for you to listen to everything she says and then say "but tough, you need to move any way".

Therefore you need to really get to the bottom of what she loves about her current school and doesn't want to give up, and what she is worried about in the new school which you can then take steps to address. It may be that she is not very happy where she is, but can't imagine the new school will be any better (better the devil you now perhaps). Can you offer her ways of staying in touch with her existing friend(s)? Can she meet her new teacher? Can you explain to her how the new school will be positive for her (and not just her sibling) e.g. with less travel time and expense, she'll be able to do activity X.

You need to sell it to her, and make the move all about her. Forget easier for you, better for siblings etc. This move is going to be great for DD because...

TenTinyTadpoles · 30/12/2015 11:51

Pupil premium isn't meant for breakfast clubs though is it? Surely it's meant to help the children academically?

PerspicaciaTick · 30/12/2015 13:31

I think pupil premium can be used in anyway which enables the children to access education more effectively. If the school could make a case that the breakfast club (with the emphasis on breakfast) meant that children could achieve more academically than they can trying to study on empty stomachs, then I think that would be OK.
But I don't think parents can dictate how the pupil premium is spent.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 30/12/2015 14:47

I doubt the child qualifies for PP, the new partner in the household is a firefigher so works. It wouldn't likely be authorised by the school simply as the parent wants to use a different school.

If she wants to stay at this school, maybe it is best she lives with her dad. From your other posts, she's seen as trouble and not good enough to join in family holidays. From her point of view she has had to contend with a new man in the household, a succession of new siblings (one with high needs) and a parent who is intent on making her feel excluded and now wants her to move schools for their convenience. Poor thing

PingpongDingDong · 30/12/2015 14:55

Sorry op haven't read the entire thread but just wanted to say yes, I think you should move her. What are the other realistic choices? We were moved twice as kids and yes, it was challenging but it was also fine, we settled in and made new friends. Needs must!

CrazyMermaidHair · 30/12/2015 15:16

Just read the OP's other thread about wanting to exclude this DD from a family holiday to Disneyland. I'd urge everyone else to read that before even offering advice on this one, beacuse this DD clearly doesn't fit in with the OP's new perfect family life. In fact it seems like she gets off on making this child as unhappy as possible, poor bloody kid!

ShadyMyLady · 30/12/2015 15:20

Oh . I remember reading that thread and thinking wtf, didn't realise it was the same OP.

I only mentioned the pupil premium because I know someone where the school used it in that way for a similar reason, it was only short term but thought I would ask the question.

DinosaursRoar · 30/12/2015 15:29

Quick search on you OP, yes, you don't want to take your DD1 to Disneyland because she's difficult and it'll be more fun without her. You also think she has SEN and "doesn't cope well with change". But you think she should go through change for the last year and half of school to suit DD2?

Look OP, you don't seem to like your DD1. You keep posting about her like she's some sort of problem and if she'd just go away, you could have a dream family. Of course your DD2's SEN seems to be something you can cope with and are prepared to all make sacrifices for, your DD1's SEN is something that she should just suck up and stop annoying you.

tiredofbadwifi · 30/12/2015 15:34

I understand that doing the extra different schoolruns could impact your career, but you have a responsibility to do what's best for your child. If she's happy there, why not leave her? Soon enough, if she's 9 already she'll be at secondary and will be able to travel alone there.
Also, it's highly likely that no matter what you say she will realise you're moving her because it's more convenient for dc2 and she could resent you badly for this, or worse her sibling (which isn't fair on either of them)
It's really hard situation but if she's happy where she is and doesn't want to move, forcing her and taking away her choice could well ruin your relationship with her.
My Mum took away my choice of moving school and forced me to stay. Totally miserable through whole of secondary and a levels, and quite a bit of resentment there I can tell you.

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