to be upset about New Year's Eve?

[ninja]

The last couple of years I've been to a friend's house party on New Year's Eve (I'm a single mum and haven't had the kids with me). She's always had a few families with their children (who go off and entertain themselves). Clearly it's her prerogative to invite who she wants but it's been quite awkward when other people have asked me if I'm going and I've had to say I'm not invited.

I asked her if she was having a party this year and she said that they were having a smaller party, so obviously I'm not invited.

I've been asking around a few people to see what's on as I'd rather not stay in for the whole night (kids are 12 and 7 and so don't do much together). I've been asking about pubs etc.

Another friend said they were having a few friends and invited me to theirs and then phoned to say it wasn't possible as I had the kids (her kids are a similar age to mine, but fine her choice).

I do have a partner but he lives over 4 hours away and with both our contact patterns with the kids we're just not able to see each other over Christmas which is a little upsetting (which my friends know).

So AIBU to be a bit upset about this? I know it's their choice but I don't even know why I'm not invited. I don't know whether to ask (after the event) if I've done something to offend her.

This has caused me stupid amounts of sleeplessness exacerbated by PMT and a general anxiety due to various pressures of being a single mum. It's rare to get invitations or get people to come and socialise with me because most people do things as families and a single women with or without kids just doesn't fit in.

[CherryPits]

I'm sorry this happened to you and its pretty rude in my book. I hope the New Year brings better friends and opportunities.

[PitPatKitKat]

^ ditto CherryPits

[ninja]

As I said I usually take more booze than I can drink and a present.

It actually came up in conversation as we were talking in a group about all of our plans for Christmas and new year. So I wasn't asking for an invite just came up in a more general conversation.

I was fine until other people who are going asked if I'd be there and then looked really shocked when I said I wasn't invited. In fact I think they may have more people going than last year!

Anyway - chalk it up to experience. I won't host next new year as I don't think there's anyone who would come to mine rather than other people's. But I'll have a party in the summer and see if anyone comes.

When we split up I lost all mutual friends as they'd been his first and as he had a gf no one would invite me too. I thought I'd done ok to have a nice group of 'mum' friends.

A group of friends generally have lunch together every Friday and I'm debating whether to keep going if it's possible that they don't actually like me!

[SaucyJack]

YANBU to be disappointed.

I think big occasions and nights out are magnified when you're a single parent. I lived on my own for four years between my ex and my current DP, and it was very easy to convince myself that every else was having the time of their lives and I was the only one "stuck at home" with the kids.

It's rarely true tho. NYE isn't that big a deal really.

Find something special to do with your DCs at home with them

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Is your 7 year old a lot younger than her children (is her 12 year old, whom your dd gets on with, perhaps her youngest?) Could it be that he's at a bit of a pesky age and won't let the pre-teens alone or is very physically wild/ loud when over excited/ over tired and they feel he spoils things if the children usually go off and entertain themselves) (I have an 8 yo boy, and often have his friends in the house - sometimes they are too wild to contain indoors and have to be kicked outdoors, but that isn't necessarily going to be an option at an evening/ night time party that goes on until midnight). It would be just as bad if he's likely to be clingy and demanding to the adults because the other kids are compatible with his big sister but not him.

I am afraid it could be about the kids - almost certainly is in the context of you being uninvited from another friend's because of having the kids... It absolutely does not mean your kids are not wonderful and lovely or even that your friends dislike them - but 7 yo boys are not always easy to have at adult parties even if there are older children they have nothing in common with there. Wonderful and lovely as my 8 yo boy is I do not think he'd do well at a crowded indoor new years eve party especially if the other children who would be there were his big sister's friends but not his!

[clam]

I don't blame you for feeling left out and disappointed.

[PlaymobilPirate]

Aee you sure you're not just automatically invited??

[Hullygully]

Did she know you had th ekids when she didn't invite you?

That, coupled with the retraction of invite from the second person because you had the kids, suggests it must be child-related.

It's really tough, but it's not personal. And the children will grow.

Horrid for you, but people find it really difficult to say it's because of the kids (if it is) because people find it so hurtful.

[Stargazing25]

Aww. I feel your pain OP! I'm not a single parent but kind of know how you feel. I don't think you expected anything from the host, but to be considered and included as a friend naturally would. It's quite hurtful that she's hosting a party that you have been excluded from. I would be upset and confused too.

One of my friends always has a NYE party. About mid November we had a discussion about whether she would host again and I suggested going elsewhere to give her a break. The rest of the group were umming and erring about it. My own children and husband preferred to go elsewhere so we got tickets and left them to it. We did this because we are never part of the 'inner circle'. We didn't even get one Christmas card from any of this group (people I would have considered close friends) whilst they all made a fuss of each other, buying presents for all the kids.

I'm getting to the point in life where I feel like just saying sod it! I can only be bothered with genuine friends. The kind that bother to pick up a phone, send a text just to say hello or include me in plans.

Maybe it's time to dump this group and move on, however scary and hurtful that might seem.

Sending hugs xx

[Kacie123]

it's horrible feeling left out, whether someone meant to make you feel that way or not.

[ninja]

They're both girls and yes, she's a year or two younger than my friends youngest but I know at least one other girl of her age there.

It could be them. They've certainly had their issues since we've separated. I thought my friend was OK with them (the second party I can see, there has been some history a long time ago but she was saying we should meet up recently).

I'll try not to let it bother me though and you're right we an get s takeaway and some chocolate - if dd1 wants to stay with us she can and we have plenty of board games to have s go at!

[NewLife4Me]

I am similar in that dh works every New Year's Eve and it's always just been me and the kids, as the older two have grown up now there's me and dd but we'll have fun.

Mine would never think of going off on their own if I had organised something for them. Can you not tell your dd to be sociable with the family?

[ninja]

Sorry stargazing, sounds hard. It's not so bad that you want to complain (hence coming here) but when it's your own life it's hard!

[ninja]

When I say family it'll be me and the dd's not extended family. Hard to entertain a 7 and 12 year old at the same time!

[TheoriginalLEM]

I would be hurt too although i bloody hate nye.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Ah sorry - assumed your DC2 was a son because you mentioned your daughter going into town with your friend - just assumed the other DC was therefore a son! A pesky/ demanding/ whiny/ loud little sister (from the point of view of the older children, not that your DD2 is objectively pesky etc.) is just as much of a pain as a pesky little brother!

If the kids always go off and entertain themselves personality clashes/ incompatibility/ clingyness or peskyness among the children ... or even just introducing new children to a group who always get on (as in previous years you've been there without your children) could really change the dynamic of the party and mean the adults actually have to intervene/ entertain/ peace make/ discipline or whatever when usually they are free to enjoy themselves without paying much attention to the kids.

It doesn't mean your friend doesn't like your kids and doesn't want to meet up in other situations, but it could be that she (or indeed her kids) think your youngest will make the party hard work. It is hard not to take things like that personally but is easier to think of at not as a personal comment on your kids but instead view it in the context of ages and phases of development/ behaviour and just simple compatibility within a group of kids expected to take care of and entertain themselves without putting any demands on the adults during the party, not of personal likes or dislikes in your wider lives.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Could you go to the cinema then out for pizza (or the other way around)?

[Stargazing25]

Ah! Yes, it may sound trivial to some so it's good to turn to the internet and rant! I wonder if I would sound like a total nut job if I said the above to my so called friends!
However, I suspect the emotions we feel are quite common. I really do hope you have a good night in with your children and that you move on to find some decent friends in 2016!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

does seem weird that you are not invited if see them regually ,assuming part of the fri lunch group and been previous years

could a mutual friend ask the party giver who else is going/are you going to be there?

and dee what reply is?

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Don't be too quick to dump your friends - if it is an incompatible children problem (which may be temporary and specific to big evening gatherings) it would be a shame to throw the baby out with the bathwater after spending time and effort building up a circle of friends. You can widen your friendship horizons - its a great idea - but don't back out of your Friday child free lunches as a knee jerk reaction, if you enjoy them.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

If I were you I'd have a very festive party at my own house with the dc.

As other posters said, enjoy having a party with your children with music, silly dancing, games...tell your eldest her participation is mandatory and enlist her help in decorating the house with streamers.

Or take the dc out for a hot chocolate or a film and then toast the new year at home with sparkling cider. To me, that would be a lot of fun.

Especially as you said you didn't have your dc at Christmas, then it would be even more meaningful for you to make a big deal of having your dc with you at the new year. Make it special for them and for you.

As to why your good friend didn't invite you this year. If you really want to know, then you could email or text her and ask politely and gently, that it's ok you're not invited, you're going to celebrate with your children and all that, but seriously, you would ask if she wouldn't mind telling you why, maybe you could learn from whatever it is, or if it's something not even to do with you, something like that. Don't be needy or nagging, but perhaps you would get an honest answer and then you wouldn't worry wondering what you've done. It is curious like you say, if she's a good friend she should be willing to give you some kind of honest reason.

Have a merry New Year, and a party or outing with your children will be a precious memory for you all. Make it wonderful.

[chris71]

Just read this. There is so much pressure on attending a party for NYE it's ridiculous! I am a 29 year old single male and have several invites but I like to be alone at home especially during festivities. I did raise some eyebrows when I said I will not be attending any parties but I don't care. And so shouldn't you. I'm just going to sit back, cook some nice food and have it with some lovely wine.

[Stargazing25]

I think make and female perspectives are very different. The OP also said her feelings of upset were also quite possibly exacerbated by PMT!

[peachybex]

Agree with LittleBeautyBelle. I would text or msg - keeping it super light-hearted and non-whiny. Just to say have a great NY - hope all is well. You were heading out to do dah dah etc etc bells and whistles....just wanted to check you hadn't upset her or anything, can quite understand the having a smaller get-together! - just wanted to make sure the children nor I had done something to cause any upset and not recognised it as I would hate to think we had. Perhaps we can catch up for coffee/ a wine/ whine etc in the New Year....

I would genuinely like to know if there was any upset, or if she just fancied getting different people together etc. Whatever the answer would be absolutely fine with me.

This all only stands if I (you) actually give two hoots about the person holding the party and maintaining a relationship. x

[ninja]

I do and I'd like to know but don't want to come across as needy or trying to wangle an invite - hence wondering if I should ask after new year rather than before