Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I dont think I am re: present from the kids

40 replies

Bogeyface · 29/12/2015 00:07

I bought it, not a problem, they are kids and although DD is 18 I wouldnt expect her to take them shopping.

I gave it to DD (18) so they could wrap it (at her behest, I didnt ask her to). It never appeared under the tree. I was a bit confused but didnt think much of it, it was chaotic so I just put it down to that.

Went into her bedroom earlier and there it was, unwrapped. I just said "Oh!" as I was just abit surprised to see it there, out on the side as it was. I got "What? Oh yeah...forgot to wrap it, do you want it now?"

Now I probably shouldnt have said "no its ok" and walked out, but I was upset. It has been a really shitty Xmas and after all the time and effort I put in for them and especially her, I was hurt that she hadnt been bothered to make sure I got one gift for me from them.

She got really stroppy with the old "I SAID I was SORRY alright?!" and kept saying that she didnt understand what the fuss was about. So I asked her how she would have felt if I hadnt bothered with her gifts, or hadnt made sure she had got her main present (money) so she could order the tablet pc thing she was saving for (which came today much to her delight). That was different apparently.

I didnt get angry, I was just genuinely upset that she didnt seem to care and was angry with me.

She is now sulking for me "having a go" at her, which I didnt, I really didnt. I didnt do any passive aggressive "After everything I have done for you!!!!!!" type stuff, I just asked her to consider how she would feel if it was the other way around.

And its not the gift that matters, but that not one of them thought about the fact that they hadnt given me a gift when normally they would. They are 18, 13, 11,10 and 4 and DD1 took it onto herself, she said that she would take it and get them to wrap it and she didnt.

AIBU?

OP posts:

FlatOnTheHill · 29/12/2015 00:43

Yanbu

LittleBeautyBelle · 29/12/2015 00:44

Yanbu. She feels guilty and instead of just apologizing to you like she could have, she lashed out, kind of putting the blame on you instead of just being mature and saying sorry. This is a classic psychological response of someone who doesn't want to admit, for whatever reason, that they've done something wrong.

You could go to her again, quietly, and just calmly reiterate that you've felt a bit trodden on lately and so when you saw she didn't think to wrap the present for you, it hurt a bit. I think if you say this again, very gently, prefacing it with "I may have said this the wrong way, but I feel I should be able to tell you if I'm hurt, I love you and I just want you to understand how I feel" (something like that, not exactly, you will know what to say), then perhaps she will soften a bit and see your view.

It is important for kids to know how to be humble enough to acknowledge when they've hurt someone, even unintentionally, and to know how to make amends. I think you deserve to be heard and your feelings respected. Your daughter just needs a little guidance from you.

Morganly · 29/12/2015 01:00

Actually, I think this is shitty and thoughtless behaviour from all of them (except the four year old) not just the oldest, who isn't the only one who should be thinking about getting their mum a Christmas present.

This is not normal. Most children enjoy getting something for their mums at Christmas.

Do they have money of their own?

You need to alter the expectations here. No more buying your own presents. Next birthday, drop lots of heavy and really obvious hints about what you would like and if they don't buy you anything show that you are upset. They need to learn how to be loving and generous and if you don't teach them, who will?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 29/12/2015 01:06

YANBU.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 29/12/2015 01:10

I think your attitude in not saying anything on Christmas morning explains a lot. You should have said something right then..."where's my pressie!" and she would have got it. She was crap...18 is old enough to have children, get married, buy a house ffs!

Original poster

Bogeyface · 29/12/2015 03:17

LittleBeauty I have something in mind for tomorrow along those lines, will see if she says anything first though.

Thehouse I didnt actually notice at first, you know what the chaos is like when there is paper everywhere and gifts everywhere, I was too busy making sure I put the food on at the right time. It wasnt until later that I realised and it seemed a bit churlish to point it out, and I did think that it was probably wrapped and ready to go in a secret hiding place DDs wardrobe upstairs. I just assumed I would get it at some point.

Morganly they do get a bit of money of their own but due to work, location etc its difficult to arrange for them to go shopping. No one can really take them, well my mum could and has but frankly the stress on both sides wasnt worth it!

Thanks all :)

OP posts:

Atenco · 29/12/2015 05:06

The best form of defense is attack. It's a bad habit for a person to get into but God is it effective.

EasterRobin · 29/12/2015 05:51

It feels like there's something a bit strange going on here. As a child I was always very excited to see people open my gift. I wonder why none of them noticed. It seems like none of them were engaged with the present at all. How very sad, especially after all your efforts.

To be even, it does also seem that you weren't engaged enough with your present to point out when it didn't appear. You're inadvertently setting them up for failure by not highlighting that something was wrong and that this was the time to fix it. If you weren't too bothered on Christmas and subsequent days, it seems harsh on yourself to be upset now (as in, you are making yourself feel like no one cares but really you actually weren't upset enough for them to notice).

Sadly it seems that your DC don't think giving you a present is a big deal. Certainly not this particular "present" which it sounds like they didn't think about, help to pick, go out to buy, or have much to do with at all. Let's face it, it isn't really a gift from them anyway, so no wonder you and they don't actually care about it.

No more buying your own gift OP! Nope, don't care about your reasons - there are ways around. Even if they just pick from a catalogue/internet, or from the supermarket, or ask your mum to buy the item for them. It is not a job for you to do.

var123 · 29/12/2015 06:33

YANBU - I'd be hurt too.

From your DD's point of view, her behaviour lazy, selfish and thoughtless and deep down, she knows it. There is absolutely nothing worse than being caught red-handed, as your DD has been. She can have absolutely no defence, nothing to hide behind but she doesn't want to admit to herself that she really messed up, so she pretends to herself that its trivial and blames you for making a fuss.

When she grows up, she will learn to handle those situations better - she will learn that sometimes you just own up immediately and give a heartfelt apology (or work harder to avoid them in the first place!). However, for now, she just wants to blame you for being the catalyst that made her doubt herself.

With regard to this situation, there is nothing you can do, except put it behind you.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 29/12/2015 06:53

The fact that you didn't want to make an issue of it or had forgotten about seems to suggest that you're not too bothered by gifts. Do your kids get you gifts for your birthday?
If you've always shown them that you're not bothered then you can't be surprised that they're not.
I agree with the pp who said it's time to change expectations, unless you're genuinely not bothered to never get a present or card from them ever.

Fratelli · 29/12/2015 07:11

Yanbu. She's an adult and should be more grateful. She also should not be speaking to you like that, she sounds like a stroppy 13yo. It's really selfish behaviour. Many 18yos have a pt job at least and would buy and wrap a gift themselves. Next time get your 4yo to do it!

Chopz · 29/12/2015 07:19

They all could have got you something with the exception of the 4 year old. The 18 year old is capable of coordinating the others.

maybebabybee · 29/12/2015 07:26

Er, I am the oldest of four. Mum is a single mum and I started helping my siblings get her presents from the age of about fourteen. YANBU.

You say you live in a difficult location - online shopping?!

Ledkr · 29/12/2015 07:29

My 13 yr old Dd had weeks to ask her dad for money or a present for my birthday, he even mentioned it and one day when she was going to town, he gave her some money and said dont forget mums birthday. We have a plethora of poundlands in town.
So come the day and she hands me an a4 piece of paper with a pencil drawing on it and a "happy birthday" I was gracious and grateful but a few dats later I did ask her if she would be happy with the same on her birthday.
I keot it lighthearted but I also think she's old enough to realise that it's nice to make the effort.
My adult lads take it in turns to forget my b day and mothers day and if they do I always send a sarcastic text!
If you enjoy receiving presents then you can work out that others do too.

Sorry things are crap for you bogey xxx

GnomeDePlume · 29/12/2015 07:37

YANBU but having DCs of similar age that sounds like teenage mortification. Give her an opportunity to make it up to you.

Flip

1 2