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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this friend has set out to cause problems for me?

55 replies

Sianykins · 28/12/2015 23:32

And how on earth do I tackle it?

It has become apparent to me that a friend, I'll call her J for the purpose of this thread, is basically latching herself onto other friends of mine, and they then become distant from me and essentially ditch me as a friend.

There have been 3 friends in the last couple of years that she has suddenly developed an intense friendship with and all 3 have then become quite distant towards me and dropped me.

She has now developed a friendship with one of my best friends, whom I was at school with. They met through J's job, she has a job where she meets a lot of customers and they return to her regularly. Sure enough ex school friend is now ignoring my texts and today I saw her at a supermarket and she could barely bring herself to say hello let alone chat to me.

J seems to like to make friends with as many people as possible. Everyone seems to like her and she is intense with someone for a while then puts them on the back burner but they all seem desperate to be her friend and happy for her to pick them up at leisure, and she makes a big deal on Facebook about tagging who she is out with/having coffee with/at the gym with/out shopping with. She has huge amounts of friends and friendship circles that she doesn't 'need' to make friends with others, and also they are not really her type of person, so it grates that she has all those friends but still can't help pinching my mates too (yes I know I sound about 5 but it has made me feel like that!).

She is nice enough to my face, but obviously I've distanced myself from her in the last couple of years. It doesn't seem to stop her targeting people that I know though.

What can I do? I'm a fairly quiet person anyway and have never had a huge social circle or huge groups of mates.

I can't avoid her easily as we live in the same village and our kids attend the same school.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 29/12/2015 00:01

I've recently been wendied. I'm of the opinion that my ex friend wasn't that good a friend to be that easily swayed.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2015 00:07

The OP has not been 'Wendied' though, unless my understanding is different?

This has happened slowly over the course of a couple of years.

A very sociable person, with a huge circle of friends, has made friends with 3 (and now 4) of the OP's friends over a couple of years.

In a small town the odds of that not happening are probably extremely high?!

AyeAmarok · 29/12/2015 00:18

But Worra, the OP's friends are then distancing themselves from OP, which suggests some skullduggery going on.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2015 00:27

Exactly, as soon as this person befriends op friends, they suddenly become distant, which suggests something underhanded is going on.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2015 00:28

It possibly suggests it, I agree.

But there could be another reason so I don't think it's fair to assume this 'Wendy' business and blame J automatically.

She sounds like a very sociable person living in a small town and that's not a crime.

Even the 'big deal' on Facebook (i.e tagging friends in photos) seems fairly normal by today's standards.

xmasseason · 29/12/2015 00:36

I also think there is probably something underhand going on, such as spreading false rumours about the OP.

OP is there any way you could ask any of your friends why they are avoiding you? Can you say you have the impression someone (no need to say who) may have spread untrue gossip to a few of your friends, and see what they say?

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2015 01:23

I also think something underhand is going on. I've hear about 'Wendying' before (on mumsnet).

I don't think it is odd she should become friends with your friends, at all, or nasty or unkind or anything. What is unusual is that your friends, one you have known for a very long time, has started to avoid you.

In your shoes I'd want to find out what was happening there. I'd maybe make some opportunity to see the friend who is ignoring you, if you can, perhaps to return something of hers you have got or to drop round a cake or a present etc. Asker her what the problem is, in a really nice and neutral way, just say something like 'It seems we are...... lately... etc.

If you do this make sure you keep quiet, if you can! Don't chip in too much with 'is it this or that?' or 'is it related to J?' etc. Just be really neutral and lots of silence from you, with a big smile. I think people sometimes find it hard to resist a silence and seek to fill it.

If, in the long run, she has blanked you, and you do not know why, and cannot find why, I would move on and make new friends. I'd probably, in your shoes, make it clear that the friendship was important to me and I was always there if she needed me.

Maybe one day she will say what she felt, thought, what someone else said, and maybe for me it would be the desire to get at the truth that would be important, as well as not to lose a long term friend.

As to J, no idea what to do, part of me feels if you confront her she will deny it, but you could always ask! Maybe someone else who has been in those shoes could advise.

I hope that this is not the case but it seems it may be. Whatever happens, try and move on, don't dwell on it, if she is doing this for her evil pleasures your discomfort will be something she is looking for, and if not one is doing it, and friends are just moving on, them your deep upset will just upset you.

If you Google 'I've been Wendied'. you get a few threads similar to yours.

HPsauciness · 29/12/2015 03:55

I agree with those saying you are not really being Wendied here. She isn't meeting these friends solely through you and then ditching you, she's just meeting friends in the same social circles in a small town where you all attend the same school/go to similar venues and so forth. I very much doubt she is targeting your friends in particular, over a two year period, if she is quite popular, it's more likely she is just expanding her social circle- how would she know you went to school with this girl, if she didn't meet her through you?

And to why your old friendships are drying up, it could be that that she says bad things about you- but why would old and good friends believe any of that? All four of them? I think it's more likely times are changing and the older friendships are making way for newer ones and she is actively seeking out new friendships. Or perhaps she doesn't see you as part of the new gang. That would be hurtful, but these friendships can't really be good deep friendships if they are so easily disrupted- and a two year period is a long time for this to be a deliberate thing.

Either way, I don't see what you can do except move on from these old friendships and find new ones who aren't quite as entranced by this person.

Atenco · 29/12/2015 04:57

I think you've got to talk to your friends and ask them what the problem is? Don't assume that J is behind it, just say that you've noticed they are avoiding you and whether you have offended them, as you would never knowingly do anything to offend them and if you have done something by accident, you would like to know and either say sorry or explain.

RamblingRedRose · 29/12/2015 05:15

Do you think that maybe you are a bit jealous of this woman and projecting stuff onto her? It does all seem so very strange. I also can't imagine what she could have said to these friends individually to make them not like you any more.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 29/12/2015 05:19

I think to be truly Wendied you need to have introduced the Wendy into your friendship group in the first place and then watched as she gradually and systematically charmed them all to the point where they all have a jolly old time being best friends together and forget to include you.

This woman sounds as if she knows your friends by coincidence. I don't think it's deliberate that she has made friends with your friends, if you are not especially good friends with her in the first place.

And if some of your old friends have started to be a bit distant and non-committal that's a shame but I doubt it's solely as a direct result of this woman's influence. I don't think many grown adults are that stupid or that impressionable to be honest.

CarlaJones · 29/12/2015 05:36

The fact that one of your best friends who you were at school with has started "ignoring my texts and today I saw her at a supermarket and she could barely bring herself to say hello let alone chat to me" .does make it look like something underhand is going on. I wonder what the wendy woman could have been saying. I'd ask the old school friend.

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 06:51

I am with worra on this.

Forget J, speak directly to your friend.

She met this person in a work setting, independent of you. Are you expecting her to keep away from your friends, because they were your friend first?

If you are good friends with these people speak to them and mention that you feel they are being distant and ask them what's wrong.

Youarentkiddingme · 29/12/2015 07:28

Your being Wendied.

How to solve it? Difficult. But perhaps start a great full on out conversation about a new friend if yours and let her target that person.

But obviously you make sure that person is the last person in the village you'd become friends with

Fratelli · 29/12/2015 07:34

Oh op I had this but a lot quicker. A "friend" came into our group of 4 friends and turned them against me. Lie after lie about things I'd apparently done and said. Even lied saying I was on drugs all the time. It was awful. One friend stuck by me and we remain friends. She swiftly did the same to him.

The way I view it is if they can be so easily manipulated into turning against you they never were true friends. If they were they would at least hear your side of the story. You may be better off without them. for you op.

SSargassoSea · 29/12/2015 08:12

I suggest you get a life which doesn't rely so much on bestest buddies - hobby? job? more interesting life.

She prob is manipulating things but you need to move on to better things. It sounds a bit school playgroundy find more interesting things to do.

onesteptotheleftofme · 29/12/2015 10:13

Why is this called being Wendied?

Caprinihahahaha · 29/12/2015 10:18

I think it's making you feel vulnerable and insecure. I think people implying that this makes you childish are being pretty hard faced.
Most people need friends. If you feel your friendship group is flakey that's quite isolating.

I'd speak to the latest friend that you feel is being cool with you and ask the question. Ask her if you have done anything to upset her and are you right in feeling that she is being a bit off with you.
You may be imagining it. But the more you worry the more you are likely to be overly sensitive with your friends.

SSargassoSea · 29/12/2015 11:05

I possibly did imply OP was childish in a way but imv the bottom line is you can't MAKe people like you, choose your company. And once someone has soured things, this non friend for example, it's v hard to regain the friendship as it once was, unless, as friends, you go back a loooong way.

And people usually prefer people who are fun and chatty, not upset and needy, which is what this nonfriend might make you seem to others.

Hence, advice to do stuff, make yourself busy and interesting.

UnGoogleable · 29/12/2015 11:13

I'd go for damage limitation OP. Talk to your friend, tell her you're worried. Or if that risks making you look paranoid, don't say anything but do work to maintain your friendship.

If this woman is actively trying to turn your friends against you (which I agree with others, is unlikely), then if your friend is a good friend she will tell you.

I think it's far more likely that this woman befriending your friends coincides with you becoming more distant from them and it's just a natural progression.

If you value your friends, tell them.

Forget about this woman, you can't change her behaviour.

Caprinihahahaha · 29/12/2015 14:22

I think the advice to refocus was good SSargasso. It was just slightly set in a tone of 'haven't you got anything less playgroundy to do' which was, in fairness, pretty unkind to someone who is presumeably posting because they are feeling a bit vulnerable.

SatsukiKusakabe · 29/12/2015 14:44

Poor Wendy is called into use from a Judy Blume book I think, where the school queen bee was called this and manipulated the class to bully the protagonist. "Blubber". It's become a shorthand on here for this sort of thing.
Other Wendies are available and it is no reflection on Wendies as a group. I know a lovely one

OP, I would rise above whatever is going on here. Socialise as you normally would, don't enter into any gossip about anyone, and try to expand your interests and social life naturally so you are not as dependent. If she is doing anything, it will blow over after a while if you are unbothered by it, and your friends will remain so. If they don't, then time to move on, it's just life.

Fwiw this happened to me at college. It isn't always a really obvious rumour-spreading. In my case it was insidious little comments every time I wasn't there I guess, and a wilful malicious spin on things that happened that added up to me drifting away from the group and her installing herself in. I found out when I reconnected with a couple of them some years later. But the bloom was off the rose for me by then and they are now friendly acquaintances and nothing more.

onesteptotheleftofme · 29/12/2015 16:54

Thanks Satsuki.

xmasseason · 29/12/2015 18:08

And people usually prefer people who are fun and chatty, not upset and needy, which is what this nonfriend might make you seem to others.

That's rather one-dimensional. Surely we all experience the above at different times? Who wants a fair-weather friend anyway?

howtorebuild · 30/12/2015 12:34

Wendy came about on Munster, because an op wrote about her friend and said let's call her Wendy. I remember the first Wendy thread. It's got nothing to do with JB.

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