To be a bit upset about my son smoking

[DadeGirl]

I've just found out that my 31 year old son has started smoking. He has never smoked in his life and has always been very anti smoking. He's had a very stressful and upsetting year, losing a good friend to a sudden unexplained death and my XH thinks this is his way of coping. (There has also been a lot of shit with XH in the last couple of years which hasn't helped stress levels and upset my son a lot)

I know he is an adult and he makes his own choices, it is none of my business, but I am sad about it. It makes me worried for his health and sad that he feels bad and is using it to relieve stress.

I have had cancer - he has seen me go through rigorous cancer treatment and the emotional stress of cancer, I am struggling to understand why he would take such a risk with his own health.

He has had some mental health problems in the past, and sometimes has poor impulse control and exhibits rather manic behaviour - it has largely been well controlled and he has been well for about ten years now. He is happily married to a lovely woman and has a good job which he enjoys.

Part of me thinks I am making a big deal in my mind about something that lots of people do and that is none of my business, and I am reading too much into something that many would see as trivial, but I honestly feel very sad about it

Are you sure he's only just started, not that he's been hiding it from you for years?

I feel the same about two of my DDs smoking.

I suppose he's self medicating, in a way.

Pretty sure yes - I think I would have smelt it, plus he's always been very anti-smoking, and very few of his friends smoke. He's never hidden anything he wants to do - drinking or whatever, we are quite open in talking about stuff - he knows I don't interfere, and he was openly smoking in front of my XH at Christmas and said he had recently started.

Yes it is self medicating Birds - and I guess there are worse things he could be doing.

Totally get that you're concerned for your sons health and well being and yes it is kind of sad and disappointing as a parent that your child has made this decision but personally I think you should respect his ability to decide for himself as an adult how to live his life. I really detest it when overly controlling mothers (& fathers, although in my experience it's usually the mothers) continue to try to baby "parent" their adult offspring.... Obviously express gentle concern and Offer an opinion or advice if asked but otherwise, mind your own business & Get a life!!

(Sorry that sounded harsher than intended!!)

I smoked for eight years before my mum found out. In fact, she actually got into a heated argument with a local mum who dobbed me in for smoking, insisting that she would 100% know if I'd been smoking because I had very long, thick curly hair which would surely stink if I'd been smoking