I think I'm the worst mum ever

[kerriberri83]

Hi everyone I'm a bit of a lurker but feel I need to get this off my chest. It's a bit of a long one...

My DS is 6 and I love him to bits, me and his dad are no longer together, for the past 2 years my ex and I have the arrangement of sharing child care. This is working for us all for now. When my son is at his dad's I miss him so much and wish he was at home, can't wait until he is home, etc. At the same time I love the fact that the place is tidy and there isn't loads of washing to do.

Now when my son does come home I seem to go a bit weird...I am so happy that my son is home however I can't stand the constant mess and clutter of toys everywhere. We live in a two bed cottage flat, it's not tiny but it's not as spacious as a house. Also my son is incapable of just playing with a few toys, every single sodding toy box is emptied out. So for this reason I spend the time my son is home tidying and cleaning. All I want to be able to do is spend some time with my son. I find that I give him into trouble a lot cos I get so stressed about the mess, I tend to take my son out a lot as this avoids mess. Sometimes when I give my son into trouble for mess the look on his face makes me feel like a class A bitch.

My ex lives with his parents in the massive family home and when my son is with dad he has all his time to play with our son as my ex's mum does all the cooking/cleaning, I don't have that luxury.

I thought that I may have OCD but I don't get like this when my son is at his dad's its just when he is home. I'm a horrible bitch of a mother ain't I?

Oh, you are completely normal! Mine are grown but DS2 had to move back home when he lost his job. He's 26 and the mess he makes still drives me crazy! He does tidy up, but not to my standards.

It's hard to clean your home and have it tidy only to have someone come in and mess it up. Doesn't matter if it's a 6 year old son, a 26 year old son, or a non-related houseguest.

And there's nothing wrong with having rules, either. At 6 mine knew not to trample on the furniture. I had some floor cushions they could play on and toss around, but they knew better than to throw the sofa cushions, even though they thought they were Batman and Ninja Turtles!

I do know what you mean, OP - although in my case it isn't so much the mess my kids make, it the noise they make!

I spend all the time they are at their father's missing them desperately. Then within five minutes of the returning I am yelling at them to just pipe down! Then I feel guilty for spending all the time they are with me either cooking, cleaning, washing or telling them off for being far too loud.

Their father doesn't appear to do any housework himself, leaving it to his new wife (there's a reason he's my ex). So he gets to spend his time with them being Fun Daddy, and I am Nagging Mummy.

Sigh.

My ds tidies up his toys and puts them away before he goes to bed. I obviously help him but to me it is important that he does it. He is 3 and often now ill go and run his bath, get back to the living room and he is there with a proud beaming grin "mummy i did tidy up all by myself".

He drives me crazy though with the constant emptying of all toy boxes but I do turn abit of a blind eye until bed time. Then we tidy up together before his bath. I am very strict with that. I also make him put his own clothes in the wash basket.

Now i feel like i come across all smug. I am not. We eat frozen unorganic food all the time and my son only just got rid of his dummy. I am not a super organised person i just live in a tiny flat and toys and clutter make me really worked up.
I understand you OP.

Your feelings are normal for a hardworking mother! Don't stress over it. Perhaps limiting your son's toys so that when he does drag them all out it won't be a chore for him to put back. Which is what should be happening, your son should be putting his own toys away at six years old. It is hard, my son has the same problem and I haven't done a good job at resolving it. One thing you could do (so could I) is to pack away most of his toys until he learns to pick up after himself a bit so you're not left with huge messes to clean up which leaves you with less quality time with your son. That is what is making you feel guilty and a bit fussy to your ds. You're not doing anything wrong, try to enjoy your time with ds and try things to solve what's causing this. It is hard when you realize that your son's dad doesn't have to deal with what you're dealing with which makes you feel even worse. Best to you! Let us know if you try anything that works, we could probably all use some good suggestions!

I get like this too. My DS in incapable of sitting on sofa without the cushions and blankets and remotes ending up on floor. He can't walk past anything without picking it up, moving it along to next surface and playing it there. Pyjamas are put on floor not bed, drawers/bins are opened and then not shut.

It does not matter what I do - call him away from what he's doing to put it right/ remove Xbox for day etc he just does not do it for himself. I either feel like I'm nagging him constantly or tidying up after him.

So I changed my mindset - I sorted stuff out so he doesn't have free access to every toy box. He can have access when ever he wants but he has to give me the used box of toys to put away and swap with the new one. He has just his Lego and cars in his room.
I've bought the idea kallax 4x4 unit and will be buying another soon and in arch box I've put swimming stuff, school stuff, PE stuff and all my different stuff. that way everything has a home and can be put in it accordingly. And then every evening we have a 15 minute tidy up. After this he has 30 minutes on iPad before bed. The 30 minutes starts after the 15 ends so if he tidies properly he'll get the full 30 minutes. Any time he's spent pissing about or just dumping stuff anywhere eats into his iPad time.
He's slowly getting better.

You sound like my mum. I have to memory of playing in my house, only at a friend's house. My house was always clean and tidy, with THREE children living there! It's just sadthat my mum's priority was having a tidy house. At least your son will have memories of playing in his father's place.

(Btw I have no help, my place is a mess and it frustrates me. But my dc play a lot!)

I agree with the posters that just having access to less "stuff" could help a lot. Pack up a lot of toys and quietly put them out of sight and see if he misses them. Other than that it is normal, I have three and when they were little I was constantly picking up afte them.

I also think it would be good to have a routine of picking up, putting away and cleaning together. Make sure he starts having some responsibilities around the house. If he refuses to tidy up put everything left out in a bin liner and in the garage for a week or weekend. It's important that kids take care of their possessions otherwise they can end up as the lazy and entitled grown ups we are always reading about on MN.

I know what you mean. I work at home and have peace and quiet during school hours. I fid when the DC get home after a work day, I am always ratty and stressed by the mess and noise. You'd think I'd be happy to see them after a break, but I think my "peace and quiet" brain gets switched on and then it's really hard to adjust to the difference. Whereas at a weekend I find it easier to go with the flow.

Your son is 6, things will change. My 10yo now doesn't throw toys everywhere, he reads books and plays on the computer.

I used to tidy up every day, but I gave up on that. It's an endless task - sometimes it makes sense to just leave it.

Some of you have gave me a giggle and lots of you have gave me som fab advice, I think my main issue is the lack of bloody storage in the flat, I think I need to save up and buy more storage units.

My DS in incapable of sitting on sofa without the cushions and blankets and remotes ending up on floor.

Oh god my entire family are like this. I cannot fathom why I can sit on a sofa without everything sliding to the floor, but DD, DS and DP cannot manage it. It winds me up so much, and I have to admit I do shove the sofa cushions back into place because I can't stand sitting on them otherwise.

www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/10307491/ this out of thing is good - it sits against a wall nicely so can be used anywhere you have a spare bit of wall!

or this these can be out on top of each other and vary the box sizes.

Thanks so much for that I will look into these

one dc and not there half the time it cant be that bad

i think its unfare on dc to be constantly tidying up behind him and he's not there for long

i really cant see how it can be so bad but if it is get dc to tidy after himself

Don't let him tip all the toys out. He's 6. Get some plastic boxes with lids and sticker for labels. He should be able to recognise the names of his toys or he will soon learn. Lego and cars fair enough they go together but not random tipping out. Put Jigsaws, games up high and do them together at the table. Make him tidy up before other toys are allowed out. My boys never took all the toys out but a mum and her two came for coffee morning (my turn) once and everyone asked would they be coming. Well I found why! They totally trashed my boys room and it took about a week to get completely sorted. The mum's house was always immaculate when I was there but I discovered her boys only had a teddy, a large toy car and a bike!
Believe me I'm not super tidy but I wanted my kids to respect and look after what they were given. Get him to help tidy up then you can relax when he goes to bed. If he won't do it box them and put them away for a few days ...he soon will!

I hate mess but I reign it in because kids have to be able to play. I deal with it by rotating toys: dd has about 4-5 toys in her room at any one time and jigsaws, books and DVDs are always available to her. When she gets a bit restless with her toys I simply swap a few. This renews her interest and avoids hundreds of toys out at once. For example at the moment she has 2 duplo sets, toy food, a till, a doctors kit and a toy ariel doll. In storage there are happyland and plAymobil toys, some different duplo sets, some busy books and some art stuff. I'll do a swap in Jan. Storage boxes are a good idea.

Just to say I have felt the same as you! We now have toys in lots of big boxes, he can take one box and lay with those toys, if he then wants Lego or something then the first box gets tidied and put away (ds helps with this) then the next box comes out. It keeps the toys s manageable amount that he's happy playing with while still being a reasonable amount to tidy up. Took him a few days to get used to this, doesn't always work if he's got friends over etc but generally it helps.

I have very little storage too and it's a pain in the arse.

MIL got me some 'stack and store' plastic boxes in pound stretcher. They are quite big but don't take up a lot of space because they are stacked.

They are brilliant! I never open them all at once which means every toy in the house doesn't end up on the floor, I also keep them in rotation so DSs don't get sick of playing with the same toys everyday.

My dd is the same, she's nearly 6. There's some food advice on this thread that il be trying. She will just get so engrossed in what she's doing that every single toy, book, dressing up item etc can end up lol over the floor in her room. Ive gone in there so many times after sitting with her to tidy and found it just as bad 5 mins later. It actually makes me want to cry as I cannot stand stuff everywhere, but at the same time I know she needs to have her space and to have the freedom to play. If it helps, I've taken bags of toys away before and just waited to see what she asks for. Quite often it's been only one item out of 10. Also crappy toys like craft things that have been made and free things, unless she lives them, go into the bin. She rarely asks for them either. She also plays more with what she has.

You are not a terrible mum. I feel like this too. Same advice, limit the number of toys out, make sure he tidies stuff away before starting on something else, teach him to tidy after himself.

Remember that tidying away after young children is like shovelling the snow away when it is still snowing :-)

Seaside he is hardly here 'half the time' and when your a single parent working full time juggling breakfast clubs, after school care, homework, dinner, clubs and an energetic 6 year old believe me it's not always easy.

Everyone who has gave me helpful advice I thank you and I will be taking a lot of it on board.

Kerri i have been the same as you and been so over picking up the toys mess with toys scattered everywhere. I have 2 younger (9 & 11) & 2 teens (14 & 16). You are not alone- ATM i have same issue with christmas toys scattered over lounge/family & bedroom in various states of being packed up. Agree with Eponas,janey & Fairenough & others to get your 6 year old son involved in the cleaning/packing up before being allowed to start on the next game.... "when you've packed up your wrestling game/toys, then you can have a snack/walk with mum/help mum with setting the table/dishes & we can get out your next game/toy..,

That way you are a team, and he feels you are enjoying his company (despite nearly tearing your hair out!) as you are rewarding him packing up (& you can help a little to encourage if mess is overwhelming).
You can even get him to look forward to doing chores, by making it a reward. Young children feel great if they gain new skills that mummy usually does. They feel special you are spending time teaching them important chores, and love feeling capable & involved in the running of the home.

For example, setting table together & making a special lunch together (my children loved to help setting table & putting on a simple lunch together-with mum's help, they loved learning how to make fruit salad or different combinations of sandwiches all by themselves with a little help as needed). Sky's the limit depending on what you prefer to start doing together. With repetition, he will get better and better at it until he has aqcuired the skill of setting table beautifully/making his favourite food under supervision.

my kids do enjoy playing in the lounge/family & on kitchen table so we chat about things & they love us to be a part of their joy at their new toys, craft, tracing, drawing, or whatever
My older kids keep most of their mess to their rooms now! But...Constant battle reminding my teenagers to not throw clothes on bedroom floor/put their own washing in laundry & put a load of washing on...aaargh!

On weekend,I put on music & we all clean together for around an hour. And I have been known to use bribery too- 'when you get your room sorted, i may consider chatting about your request (for having freind over/going to movies/ taking you out). Agree with Lariflette that working in fun time spent with your son is priority around all the cleaning. Why should Mums miss out on the fun! I hope you have a better time & stress less over cleaning & toys mess No reason u can't get your son involved in sorting toys, and learning chores. Hope you can look forward to having lots more fun time with your son Fuck the housework Let's dance!!!!!

Ditsy4 that's so mean of those 2 boys parents to run an immaculate home, with little room for the children to be creative and play with games & toys.
i would rather struggle with some mess/chaos and work with my children to learn to clean up their mess, and allow lots of different games and play within the home. Why do some people have children, if they can't allow them to learn by playing You are very normal kerriberri We all get annoyed with the mess at times, but our children are having fun playing, and are gradullay getting better at cleaning up their own mess

The best thing I have ever done is get rid of huge toy boxes.

I use those little rubber trugs you buy fir gardening etc. The ones about half the size of a mop bucket.

I mix up toys in there. So a few figures, a couple of cars, a few bricks etc. Then let ds (2) have one at a time out. They invariably empty out whatever you put the toys in then play with 2/3 out of them.

I swap the buckets each day. Bigger toys go in the big trugs and I pick one out he can have each day.

Before he can get another trug or big toy we clear away the original one. That way there is never 100's of toys out at a time. And I can keep mixing ul what he plays with so it won't lose its novelty factor.

Definitely makes me less twitchy and ds seems to enjoy his toys a lot more. At 6 I wouldaybe group them together in themes though. So a lego trug, one for cars, one for peppa pig stuff or whatever he is into.

I totally get it. I have two kids, am divorced and have disabilities as well as working part time.
I struggle to keep on top of the home and get stressed when the kids get everything out.
I struggle with motivation and discipline as well as medication side effects and fatigue.
I just don't know how to manage so I can empathise.