to think it's fine if 9 year old DD wants to buy herself something to wear?

[WilburIsSomePig]

DD is 9 and gets a small amount of pocket money every week. She normally saves it up and then she'll as if she can buy something from H & M/Matalan/Primark etc; normally she chooses a top or fancy tights or something.

MIL is absolutely horrified by this and says that I should not allow this and that a 9 year old should not be 'expected to clothe herself'. This is absolutely not actually the case. As with DS, if she needs something, we get it - she is not shoved down the mines in order to feed and clothe herself. DS saves his up and buys Lego which MIL has no problem with but she is apoplectic about DD choosing to buy something to wear. If she was spending shit loads of money on sweets then that would be fine, just as long as she's not wearing them!

The whole point of them having a bit of pocket money is to try and teach them the value of money and I think it's a good thing that she is saving up for something she really wants. MIL says we should be buying all her clothes regardless but I don't think we should shell out just because DD decides she wants something (nor does she, she's very sensible and knows things cost money). Incidentally, I love clothes myself and DD is not short of nice things to wear, nor is DS but I think having to 'save' for something you really want is a healthy attitude to money.

It's obviously none of MIL's business and we'll carry on as we are but she's made me feel absolutely shit and I'm now starting to doubt that we're doing the right thing. What do you think?

You sound like a lovely sensible Mum to me, and your MIL is rude to comment on how you parent your child.

We did the same with DD when she was little, she is at university now and I am so proud of the way she has manages her money. She is far more sensible than I was as a student.

I think boys can be a different matter though, ours would rather wander around naked than 'waste' money on clothes!

You've got it spot on IMHO, and your dd is learning to budget with her own money, and she's also beginning to develop her own individual style, taste in clothes and fashion sense. Why shouldn't she buy what she wants with her own money? Smile, nod, and ignore your MIL.

If she was spending her pocket money to buy school uniform or underwear -- that would be kinda wrong. But now your MIL is being U

Buying a top is hardly clothing herself least your dd isnt wasting her money on tatt

Of course it's OK, I buy my DS the absolute basics and if he wants anything else he knows he has to buy it himself from pocket money or saving Christmas/birthday gifts - it's called learning to budget, your MIL sounds bonkers. Smile, nod and ignore - the best advice for dealing with most problems.

I think boys can be a different matter though, ours would rather wander around naked than 'waste' money on clothes! - Yes, that's quite true, my DS was after some poncey expensive trainers, I offered to give him the amount I would normally spend on trainers and he could pay the difference, he soon decided he would stick with a cheaper brand .

My DD would be utterly horrified if I suggested she spend her precious money on something as banal (as she sees it) as clothes or even hair stuff. Maybe that's where your MIL is coming from

Personally I think 9 is too young to be given free choice in clothing if they are likely to choose something trashy / surplus to requirements, but if it's sensible clothing that's actually needed and worn then I don't see a problem if she enjoys saving up and choosing.

What planet is your MIL on i remember saving our pocket money ans havig shopping days with my friends going to mk1 tammy girl and intercionale. Its part of growing up and girls experiences selecting their own indentity through clothes. i could understand if she came back with alot of night club clothes.

YANBU

I get clothes that my DCs need - if they want something extra they can get it themselves. DD has done that before, we were in Asda or something and there was a t-shirt on sale, I hated it DD used her money for it because she loved it.

Dont feel shit. Your MIL is ridiculous. Im sure DD feels all grown up choosing new clothes and stuff.

Bless her, the fact she saves it up and buys something nice is brilliant and a life long lesson for her. She is not clothing herself, fgs, would MIL say she was "feeding herself" if she purchased an apple and packet of Maltesers with her money. Good for your daughter that she saves and buys something she likes (I saved for a David Cassidy handbag once, whole other thread).

My now 11 yo DD has been buying herself bits from H&M and the like with her own money for a few years now. Can't see an issue.

My DD started choosing some of her own clothes at 4yo. She has very firm ideas about clothes from maybe 2 (definitely by 3). There are clothes that aren't worn at all because she didn't like them. So I let her choose them, usually online.

Can you ask your MIL what is wrong with a young girl having her own opinions? She is ofc being ridiculous.

I would obviously encourage my 4yo to choose practical clothing. But I assume a 9yo knows a jumper is for winter, sandals are for summer that kind of thing.

And agree with the fact that she's using her saved money to treat herself. A very sensible thing to do. And a lesson about saving money.

Rereading it, I think I misunderstood your MIL. It is that she thinks you aren't buying your DD clothes? That's ridiculous. She can buy whatever she wants surely?

Well from your post I think your approach sounds perfect. Ignore daft MIL.

My dd (11) loves clothes. And it is the only thing she will spend her own money on. We spend plenty on her. She has more.clothes than me but if she wants something in.particular that she doesn't need she buys it herself.

It's perfectly fine for your DD to spend her pocket money on whatever she wants as long as it's legal :). (I can't help finding wanting to spend it on clothes at the age of 9 a bit strange though - I think the first time I reflected on what I was actually wearing was when I was around 15... I would have never wasted any money on clothes before that age.)

Fucking hell, why do mils think they have any right to comment??? Think it's great that your dd can save for fun clothes! I've just been looking at fun clothes online with my 9 yo as that what she wants to spend her xmas money on.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Mon 28-Dec-15 17:48:33

Pocket money is for fun things, they can spend it how they wish.

So, surely if they wish to spend it on additional clothes then they should be allowed to????

I do this with my boy. He gets given cash from time to time. Most of the time he saves it for something he really wants. The last time he saved for minecraft lego. Most recent xmas funds he wanted to buy art supplies so we went to the art shop and he picked out the items he wanted, he worked out if he could afford them and realising he was 50p over he put something back. yes I could've put the 50p towards it but how will he learn that the money he has is it?

He understands the value of money. He knows that charity shops are good for bargains and will ask to go there to spend his money on books when he wants them. Because for a fiver he knows he could get 10+ kids books compared to just one in waterstones.

I think its a good method tbh. Lots of ways for kids to learn from budgeting to appreciating what they own.

Hula, like I said it doesn't come up as they get to choose their own clothes anyway so don't need or really look for extras. Likewise I buy new books so unless there's a book fair they don't need to buy those either.

They mainly use it online for games, stuff for rooms etc.

I wouldn't forbid them spending it on anything legal, it's theirs to do with as they please.

My DS1 saves up for nicer branded clothes. I'll contribute what I would spend on a less fancy brand , for instance he wanted a super dry coat, which cost £80, I would spend £50 on a coat for him so he saved up the remaining £30.

My DD LOVES going somewhere like h & m to choose something (suitable) to buy herself, I don't think its weird that she chooses clothes at all, it's what she likes. I'd much rather she was spending it on something like this than the utter shite my DS spends his on. Your approach is perfectly sensible and helpful to your DD in the long run.

I suspect, if your daughter is anything like mine that if you were to say that you would pay for the top so she could buy something else - she would choose another item of clothes rather than something more 'fun' or 'frivolous'.

Some kids want to spend their money on clothes. Thats ok. Anyone objecting to it clearly doesn't understand the child in question, imo.

Don't feel shit, I agree with your method, it's what we do ourselves.
We do a big clothes and shoe shop for the 3dc in spring and autumn. They come and choose what they want and we choose the stuff together - eg you need 5 summer dresses, then they pick them, you need 3 pairs of jeans, they pick the styles, ditto winter boots/trainers/summer shoes etc.
They have input, we choose a couple of things we like for them aswell.
We also do a trip for holidays as we often need to top up on stuff due to 3dc doing what they do best and having growth spurts when you least need it.

The older 2 get £20 pocket money a month and it tends to sit in their accounts for ages before they decide to spend it.
Apart from the expectation to buy token Christmas presents for each other, cousins and parents, they can buy whatever they like. They also get money from generous friends of ours, £20 each regularly, which they spend on games/cinema trips with friends/sweets/clothes, extras which fall outside occasions.
We provide everything they need. And most of the things they just want to be honest.
Them buying themselves a pair of shoes just because they want them is not the end of the world. It's how they learn to budget their money, and an essential skill for the wider world.