To interfere with my adult sons life choices

[muddiboots]

Ds is 22, lives away from home with long term gf. I never had him formally diagnosed but he is very definitely on the autistic,aspergers spectrum but very high functioning. Super clever and has very responsible job ( not stealth boast, required info) . One of his issues as a child was food, picky to the point of pathological. I had real issues managing his diet to ensure a nutritious balance and up to the point he left home, to go to uni, was succeeding and despite being dyspraxic and hating exercise he was a healthy weight. Over the three years at uni he gradually gained weight, basically by buying takeaway pizza ( 2 large ones at a time) and eating them in one go, then often not eating for 24 hrs.he also developed an addiction to Diet Coke and drinks at least one large bottle a day ( it's the only liquid he will drink by choice). In the holidays when he came home , things would stabilise a bit. Then he got a job away from home for a year and had money to buy whatever he chose and things started to go downhill big time. In September he moved to a new job in a new town in a rented flat with gf and I hoped that things would start to improve and that gf would moderate his eating ( I am not saying that she is responsible for him but they have been together since school so she knows his normal weight and just the fact they were eating together and not ordering takeaway pizza constantly.) sadly he has come home for Xmas and is now the heaviest he has ever been. I am so worried about potential health issues, he is on a crash course to diabetes and cardiac problems. I also worry that he could end up losing the career he has and loves for health reasons ( and partly, rightly or wrongly for image reasons). If you try and talk about it he gets very defensive and is so focused on food and what he wants to eat, it's really hard. Today for example, he had four slices of home made fruit loaf for breakfast ( one would have been a normal portion) ate three packets of crisps ( not normally in house but it's Xmas and he found them in the cupboard) had Coke with his breakfast. Then we went to the cinema, I was in the queue getting tickets and took orders via his gf, she said he wanted a large popcorn ( literally a bucket) and large Coke, I said ok, I'm buying regular though, he then appeared in queue and said " I'm buying snacks, it's my treat for everyone" ( no one but he and gf wanted any). We then went for pizza (pre arranged Xmas family treat) where he had three courses and the largest pizza they do. Sorry this is long and I know he is an adult and I shouldn't interfere but he genuinely is not behaving like a rational adult on this issue and I feel helpless standing by and watching. He is not going to do anything about this on his own, it's a real psychological issue. I know this is aibu but couldn't find anywhere else appropriate, please don't be too nasty, I'm not an interfering mum, just one who loves her children

Might it make sense to discuss his possible ASd with him and encourage him to seek a diagnosis and help, eg to deal with anxiety and any work issues? If he has a good job he could presumably afford private services.

If your son is "neurotypical", and even if he does have ASD, then you're being unreasonable to interfere in his lifestyle choices, beyond expressing concern.

You made decisions over a long period of time not to seek a diagnosis or help for ASD when he was a child / teen. It's now up to him as an adult living independently to decide what to do.

I have disordered eating that I'm seeking help for.

Please please dont try to subtly make small choices for him. Honestly one smaller popcorn wont make a dent on his eating habits. You trying to control his eating when you are with him will just up the anxiety even more. Please step back from commenting or controlling food. It really makes it worse.

You sound obsessed with watching his eating and exact amounts. Do you have any issues with eating too?

The help I'm seeking for eating disorders always start by saying not to focus on the food.(same advise for anorexics as for those that binge or overeat) If someone is eating due to anxiety or to "cope" then that really is what needs addressing first.

I am very sorry you can do nothing.

He is an adult. He knows else he wouldn't get defensive.

The poor girlfriend can't do anything either. She cannot control what he eats or doesn't eat.

If you must say something limit it to "you know there's a problem, we are here for you if you want to do something about it"

There really isn't anything else you can do.

It's a tricky situation but I agree with the others saying it is his issue to deal/ not deal with. You can say you are there to help if he wants it but that's as far as you can go really.

To be frank you've admitted his size is sort of a problem for you too (kudos for your honesty). So that's your issue to deal with!

Oven chips, I don't think I said his size is a problem for me tbh, it's not some kind of aesthetic thing, if there were no associated health issues he could be whatever size he liked. I'm concerned that he is on a fast track to diabetes, I wouldn't even be so concerned if he was eating a reasonable diet in vast quantities and hence gaining weight. The issue is very fast weight gain with a diet basically consisting of processed carbohydrates and very large quantities of salt and sugar, coupled with no exercise.. When I mentioned image reasons, I was referring to his job.
Future me, I'm not obsessed, he doesn't live at home anyway, just that when he has been here over Xmas, his food choices have been so glaringly inappropriate I was using them to illustrate the issue. I have a teenage dd and have always been incredibly conscious of not making a fuss about portions, diets healthy eating etc as my concern has always been that she would develop an eating disorder , we are pretty laid back about food, I love cooking and baking but we all eat a varied diet which includes plenty of fruit and veg and " normal" portions.
Completely take on board he is an adult etc and last thing I want to do is cause upset, hence this thread. I think though that any of you saying its up to him would feel concerned if he were their son, however old they are you don't stop caring about them.

I'm someone that posted that you shouldn't interfere with food choices he's making but that's not from a position of saying its nothing to do with you but from a position of knowing what actually helps someone that's seriously overeating.

If you feel "got at" it just makes the cycle worse. It may not be logical but its how it is. Serious overeating/anorexia/binge eating are all symptoms. You need to treat the cause rather than the symptoms as such. They are coming mechanisms.

I certainly don't have all the answers but please don't focus on what he's eating or try to control for example the popcorn. That's really controlling behaviour which in turn adds fire to disordered eating.

It must be so hard to watch. My girls are younger but I do worry about them getting an eating disorder when older as I have. Or drugs. Or alcohol... I understand the worry.

Coping not coming.

I totally get the worry, I'm sure I would worry if this were one of my girls. However, I don't think there is anything you can do except hope he perhaps transfers his quite rigid nature to being healthy or doing a 10 run like his girlfriend. I wouldn't worry about his image at work, if he is in something like computing, then there are lots of overweight men in that line of work- not ideal, but it's the way it is in many male dominated industries, my husband works with a very obese colleague, his size doesn't appear to have been an issue in his very successful business he runs.

If totally get why you are worried. Just because he's 22 doesn't suddenly switch off your maternal concerns.

My friend has a partner with very fixed ideas about many things. When they got together he was quite overweight and because she is vegetarian he was eating separate meals which were extremely repetitive and not at all healthy.

She wanted to lose a few pounds so they joined weight watchers together and he became very keen indeed on the tracking of points which he did on his phone obsessively. Whilst not wanting to encourage him to actually diet, is this sort of plan something he might enjoy? Perhaps someone could help him to incorporate his favourite foods ( not pizza!) in and help him learn to make better choices.

I don't believe he can be happy with his new shape, it's all about helping him to want to make changes. My friends DP lost weight very easily on ww and has kept it off- having rules really worked for him.

If you can bite the bullet and express how worried you are about his health he may not be happy but if you don't what does the future hold? How will he look this time next year?

Good luck.

DS2 has ASD and has similar issues with food. It was more an anxiety/control issue rather than anything to do with nutrition, so it never helped to tell him about diabetes and diet. He had already learned about it through science, so knew all the facts, but that didn't help him control how he felt about it.

DS2 is also extremely bright and managed to overcome his behaviours and difficulties enough by being an academic high flyer, and wasn't diagnosed until adulthood. I regret not doing more to get him more help in the school years, as covering up for his anxieties led to stress and depression which is really what lay behind his disordered eating (and further mental health problems). It would have been better to focus on his independence and coping skills rather than pushing him academically.

I agree with others who say that you have to let him make the decision, and putting pressure on him isn't going to help. He's an adult now and has make his life choices on his own. It's hard to step back but as a parent you have to just be there to pick up the pieces.

I cannot relax around anyone who comments on my eating or expresses concern so, just a word of warning- he is comfortable with you at the moment, comfortable enough to be himself, disordered eating in front of you. If he stops being comfortable with you your relationship might change, for instance spending less time together on visits to avoid eating in front of you. I'm not saying you shouldn't comment, just be aware that it might change things between you, how comfortable he is with you, rather than the intended change of eating pattern.

I have a 14 year old son with Aspergers. He is a very picky eater and is a sensory seeker where food is concerned. It sounds to me like your son has found a food which gives him the sensory stimulation he craves and the more pizza he eats, then the longer the pleasant sensation lasts. He needs to be encouraged to try and find other foods that provide the same stimulation. It is not as simple as explaining the damage that may be occurring to his body, he probably is fully aware of that, but to him, the binge eating would be like an addict scoring his drugs, due to the cravings and then high he is probably experiencing. If I were you, I'd be looking for specific advice on how he can achieve those feelings from different foods.