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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL won't accept my FB friend request but posts pics of my children

44 replies

tootsietoo · 27/12/2015 19:59

AIBU to be quite pissed off with her? I sent her a friend request maybe a couple of years ago now and she's never accepted it. I know she has it as DH and their father have mentioned it to her. No skin off my nose, I don't need to know about her life nor she about mine, but she posts pics of the children occasionally, and has just posted another 10 or so today as they are staying with her. And I can't see them as she is not a friend, I only know as DH showed me earlier. I think this is pretty out of order. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

tootsietoo · 27/12/2015 21:39

but it wouldn't be because I'm married to her brother, it's because she's got my children for a couple of days and she's putting photos of them up!

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Original poster

tootsietoo · 27/12/2015 21:41

fair point - got it - I will go and instruct him now to tag me! I have set up "timeline review" so that it will not automatically then appear on my timeline, and only I can see.

thanks, good idea.

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Madnson · 27/12/2015 21:42

A friend request would disappear of its not answered straight away. Don't assume she know what's she is doing with the app/website. By the sounds of it you get on etc, just say "I'd love to see what the kids are up too, I'd sent you a friend request, did you see it?" Or search for her cancel request and then resend so she gets a new notification.

Ohbehave1 · 27/12/2015 21:42

I think those saying it is fine and you shouldn't worry are missing the point OP. They are YOUR children as well as your DH and you should be able to access the pictures without DH having to tag you. She looks after your children so I don't see why she is being so strange about accepting your request.

Sounds like she is trying to get you to beg!

diddl · 27/12/2015 21:43

"it's because she's got my children for a couple of days and she's putting photos of them up!"

Yes-which their father can see & show to you- even if it sometimes isn't immediately!

GabiSolis · 27/12/2015 21:43

I think I understand why you're annoyed but I still think YABU. You are happy for your SIL to spend time with the DCs and you don't mind the photos being up there on Facebook. You also have access to them via your DH. It's therefore not really reasonable for you to be pissed off about the photos and since SIL doesn't have to be your friend on Facebook, the result is that there's no issue here.

shazzarooney99 · 27/12/2015 21:45

tootsietoo i ould just ask her then why she hasnt added you, delete the request, ask her then send a new request, i dont think the requests last for long to be honest xxx

Ohbehave1 · 27/12/2015 21:47

Diddl - I don't think it is unreasonable not wanting to have to go through DH. If he said she had to there would be cries of misogyny.

Gabi - they are her children. Why should she have to wait or ask DH to show her?

ollieplimsoles · 27/12/2015 21:48

I would go apeshit if someone was putting pictures of my children up- you can't control who sees them because you don't know who is on her friend's list. Some randomer she went to school with and hasn't seen in person for 20 years knows more about your children's time there than you do- their mother.

It IS bothering you op, and thats the main thing, so you have a right to ask her not to put pictures up.

diddl · 27/12/2015 21:55

Op puts in herOP that she's not interested in her SIL's life, her SIL doesn't post pics of the kids often & when she does her husband shows her!

If that's not good enough & SIL doesn't want to be FB friends, then yes Op will have to ask her to stop posting pics.

thelaundryfairy · 27/12/2015 22:17

It´s weird that she posts photos of your children but hasn´t accepted your friend request. If she wanted to post other things privately she could easily hide them from you on Fb. I think the best thing to do is to speak to her about it face to face.

Original poster

tootsietoo · 27/12/2015 22:19

shazzarooney and madnson, I've just clicked on the "friend requests" button and I can't see anywhere listed that she is a pending friend request, so there is nothing to delete. There is also no "add friend" button on her page, which I assumed was because I had already sent the request.

exactly ollie, it's the fact there are 300 randoms who might be looking at pics of my children when I can't. I am not particularly suspicious of social media, I tend to feel there is such mountain of stuff that most people don't notice what is on there, but it does feel a bit out of my control.

diddl, the comment about me not being interested in her life was just me being a bit chippy and offended about the request not being accepted! I am as interested in keeping up to date with her life as I am with all the rest of my family who are on Facebook, which is quite interested really, as they are my family and I like to know what's going on in their lives.

Must stop stewing now and get off to bed, thanks for opinions.

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MoMoTy · 27/12/2015 22:23

Think yabu and a bit childish. Firstly she is good enough to have them stay with her so you are being a bit petty. Also if their dad is ok with it, then why should you get the final say.

unimaginativename13 · 27/12/2015 22:24

There's a setting where you can see who you have requested - friends then outgoing.

Also if you can add her it means her setting are set that she won't accept friends requests. If it was still there it would say request sent.

Could be worse she could have blocked you.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2015 22:24

If she has no add friend button, it's because she doesn't want friend requests.

She will have cancelled your request, otherwise it would say 'friend request sent' under her name.

Friend requests don't expire if you don't accept them (as someone said upthread). I have 3 pending for the last year or so that I haven't accepted.

Original poster

tootsietoo · 27/12/2015 22:29

MoMoTy - we haven't asked her to have them, she has asked them to go and stay as she wants to see them. Also, FWIW, DH says she's a feckin PITA!

I do get that it is a bit childish. I feel a bit childish. Yet still annoyed!

Ah ha - just found my list of friend requests sent. She isn't on there. So either she doesn't accept friend requests or she has blocked me. She did have an add friend button a while back as I clicked on it. But no longer.

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MammaTJ · 27/12/2015 22:44

As the friend request is not still pending and there is no longer friend request button, she has declined your friend request and clicked 'prevent from re adding' or refriending, whatever the terminology is! She has not blocked you, as you can still find her profile.

She really does not want to be your FB friend.

YANBU in expecting her to allow you to see her posting pics of your DC! Not sure how much you want to push this, that is up to you.

Confront face to face, get your DH to tell her not to post pics of your DC, get him to tag you in them, all viable options!

GabiSolis · 27/12/2015 22:44

ohbehave1 - I know they're her children, they are also her DH's children and he has access to the photos. The OP has said she hasn't got an issue with the photos being up there and since they can be monitored anyway by one parent, there really is no big drama here. If OP had an issue with social media posts of her children I may agree that she has a point, but this is really just a control issue and is unnecessary considering her DH can see the photos.

Like I said, I understand what her annoyance is but it doesn't make it reasonable to turn it into a confrontation.

Original poster

tootsietoo · 27/12/2015 22:53

Dh's sage advice is not to engage - it gives her the power she wants and the drama. So I shall not do anything more, and DH will tag me when necessary so I can see the nice pics.

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