Ok, MNers I think the combination of being home alone for Christmas for the first year without my boy, exhausted physically and mentally after a new job is hindering my perspective. Come give me a virtual shake...
Not massively relevant to my current situation but two years ago my husband walked out on myself and my boy. A narcissistic sociopath (in his old military records) he'd tried to cheat on adult sites 8 times I knew of, continually lied and stole from me, stayed at home while I worked, giving pitiful care to my boy etc. The walkout was drama filled and meant to blackmail me. Enough was enough, I calmly asked him for the keys and told him if he left it was for good.
I kept my word. And looked forward to life again. I had lost my job due to sickness caused by stress, was alone in a foreign country, but I managed to pull myself back on my feet. And it was very hard sometimes.
Five months after the split and whilst on a language course to stay in the country (STBXH wouldn't let me leave as he said it was kidnapping) I met a guy through mutual friends. I was upfront about being married. He talked a lot with me as he was divorced with a DC like me. He is a good father and it was a useful measuring stick to demand how my STBXH should treat my son. At first wanted to see him a few hours on a Saturday at my house, I fought with him and now we are in a place where visits are defined, but he refuses to pay any money to me for my son.
And he's also refused to initiate divorce proceedings and move on with making the marriage end officially.
Anyhow fast forward on a year, the friend and I went from fwb, to a couple after about 3 months. I did say to him, that with no job, I couldn't move quickly on a divorce, so did he want to wait until I had gotten back on my feet, and gotten divorced before we make a proper relationship, but he said no.
He is a genuinely lovely guy, very sweet and shy and the opposite of my ex. He spends time now with my son, who adores him. I spend time with his daughter when we can, and although she speaks no English we still manage to have fun.
Three months ago, I found a job, similar to my old one, slightly lower in responsibility and pay, but in the city I live in with less stress. It was a dream come true for me, and meant instead of existing, I could start planning and living.
So the first month was to pay all the bills off, second month to buy a more reliable car and this month to really put aside some divorce money. I know I will end up paying it all, and him off just to get him off my back. But at what cost freedom!
Conversations with my new partner have gone from frustration at my marital status, to an understanding that we can't move on in life plans understandably until it's done, to not caring, and then back again. I completely understand, my STBXH was married when we met (I had no idea initially but that's another entire thread ) and while waiting for the divorce I felt like it was some kind of hold over me. I hated it.
Anyhow I have a lawyer, I'm saving the money, it's nearly two years and I haven't once mentioned any doubts, wobbles, love for ex anything. Just rationally that I couldn't afford it financially and emotionally. (Son at new school, me at new job, trying to make the best of our situation) . He seems to understand. Although he comes from a catholic culture where it's not acceptable he is divorced and accepted me on the terms I had.
So, his parents live in another country in Southern Europe, he of course skypes regularly. He went home in the summer, and told his father about me, showed him a photo (he said I was very beautiful), mentioned that I had helped him with an awkward apartment move and he wouldn't have been able to do it without me. I was very touched.
Then he mentioned me on Skype a few months ago as he and his daughter had joined us one evening to make pizzas and have fun so I guess the story was relayed back to grandma. Her response was - when do we get to meet her?
So last month he informs me they are coming for Christmas. So I ask innocently enough, ah shall we meet? It was met with a really awkward response. I'm not sure, because you are still a married woman. I will have to test the water and kind of spy on my mother to see how she feels about it. I'm sure you'd be the same if your son brought home a married woman, how would you respond?
I said that if he told me upfront that it was the woman for him, she was kind and sweet and he loved her but life had dealt her a series of bad hands and she was making her way through it then I would accept her into my house and judge her on how she treated my son and me.
Then I reminded him that his mother knew I was married but still asked to meet me a few months ago.
Anyhow we got nowhere on the subject. So this week he has been crazy stressed preparing for their arrival yesterday. To help relieve the stress I took his washing as the machine broke down, lent him extra bedding for all the relatives, and gave him my car to pick them up from the airport yesterday as transport was limited. He thanked me over and over for the help.
Before he left my house yesterday morning (my boy was with his father so he spent Christmas Eve with me) I gave him a present for his parents - I couldn't afford a fancy hamper so I made one of local products from the uk and wrapped it up in cellophane. He told me his mum likes to try new things so I thought it would be nice over the next few weeks they are staying and then they wouldn't have to cart a big gift home.
I said that I understood he was a bit ashamed of me and my situation of being married, but if he could give the gift with best wishes. I just wanted to show that I am well, I guess a nice person thinking on them. Again he said the situation on us meeting as difficult, but I was an angel for thinking on them.
Before he left I said look, I am away for a few days next week but if you need the washing machine, come round, but, I won't be cleaning much so come alone. He responded, I can't promise that as my parents might be curious. ????
English isn't his first language so I am really hoping it was a mistranslation as to me that sounds crazy rude?!!!
So he messaged me last night to say that his parents loved the gift. But they are mad with him because they didn't get me anything.
That's ok. I don't give to receive. But what would have been nice - but they'd like to say thank you in person?
I don't know why, but this is killing me. The fact that I'm being judged on a status that I can't change at the moment is killing me. The fact I can't get a straight answer from him is killing me.
The rational side of me is saying calm down, they've just arrived, they have had family problems and not been together as a family for months. Maybe they will want to meet you. Maybe later. Maybe he is self conscious of his family.....
The crazy bitch side of me is saying - wtaf - I'm not good enough to meet but they can fucking toddle round my house while I'm not here. They won't meet me but will ride in my car????? What did I ever do to them. If the roles were reversed I would never have left him alone on Christmas Day, never.
I swing between both opinions every 10 minutes or so. I've been alone for 36 hours housebound so it's driving me crazy. What would you think?
Why would it be so bad to meet me? He had no one in his life for 5 years and me for a year so they know I am important. Well I thought I was 
I'm not usually like this, but he's important to me, and I hoped I was to him. I feel like something squashed under the shoe at the moment.
And I feel over indulgent for feeling it! Aargh!!!!!