To hate my sister

[pandarific]

...right now. She's always been a nightmare, and a lot of my childhood was listening to her screaming for what she wanted/didn't want etc. My mother used to say 'she rules the roost' - ignoring the fact that she as the adult allowed it to continue. When my parents broke up I was left with my mother and her, and the screaming just continued and continued. I am visiting my home country for Christmas and can't just leave, feel shit and trapped.

Last year, she screamed through the whole Christmas break, constantly picking fights about nothing, just wanting attention and to defend this bizarre persecution complex she has - everyone is always horrible and terrible to her. She is an adult woman (29), but acts like a tantrumming child. When she's not tantrumming, she's babbling constantly, demanding your attention so you listen to whatever she wants to tell you, just monologues of crap - this guy she dated who was horrible to her, her struggles learning to drive - just on and on, regardless of whether you want to listen or not.

Due to not wanting to listen to a ten minute monologue (I said politely 'I'm just watching this film at the moment, why don't you tell us over dinner'), more screaming and shouting. Everyone else is always wrong, she is always right. There was more screaming earlier because I was lying down having a nap, she was packing in the same room - my mother says 'Isn't panda trying to have a cue in there?' - cue screaming, shouting for 10 minutes, how DARE she be accused of being selfish, rant rant rant.

I mentioned that in the next few years, I and my partner (he couldn't come visiting with me this year) will be hopefully having a baby - cue rant that she'd always wanted to live near me, and wah wah I'll need to move 'home'. I have had previous emotional manipulation from my mother who would love me to move back to home country, which I have nipped in the bud, but to get it from my sister is really galling. She is obsessed with keeping things 'the same' and has been talking about doing holiday things 'every year' - attempting to control everyone.

She is the most selfish person I have ever met and is possessive of me - when I call her on her appalling behaviour, she accuses my mother of poisoning me against her. It's her own foul behaviour that does that! Yesterday during (yet another) row, she told me when my parents are gone, it will be just her and me so I will HAVE to have a relationship with her and will NEED her. FFS.

Last year was a million times worse - I texted her before I came this year telling her that if she did the same again this year it'd ruin our relationship and she has been a bit better to be fair, but I'm just knackered being around a psycho. I confided to my mother that I am actually worried about having a child as my grandmother was so similar - could be really vicious, incredibly controlling and rigid - what if my child is like this? Being a massive shithead seems to run in my family :( :(

I am going on hol on the 31st (which in itself caused massive upheaval - 'WHAT? But it's CHRISTMAS' etc etc complete with criticism of my destination), am about to pour myself a massive gin and I've got my silicone earplugs in until I watch the bake off... I'm just knackered - I hate this shit.

[Themodernuriahheep]

Never feel guilty about using MN as a vent! She sounds a nightmare. I expect the only way your DPs cope at all is to ignore as much as possible.

Interested in HPD, off to Google. There are so many obscure disorders now..

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

oh heck. I would guess at sn too, after all, your mum did not do too bad a job of raising you?

hell to live with if not taught better behaviour. which is bloody hard work.

[pandarific]

Update. At breakfast this morning sister is make snide comments at my dad, I tell her to at least try to be nice, leave the room. She follows. I leave that room and go back into room with parents. She follows, starts shouting how SHE is the only one who cares, SHE is so mistreated, wah wah, I leave the room to have a shower.

Shouting, screaming filtering through as I am in the shower. Issue this morning is that she starts her new job on the 4th, and though she has a provisonal license and no car, she has announced that she is taking my mothers car to drive herself to and from work. My mothers expensive, beloved car, which she has told my sister she cannot borrow unless she is away for the weekend. My sister is ignoring, saying she's taking it, etc etc. My father supports my mother, telling her, for the 59th time in the last few days, to 1) pass her test then 2) buy herself a car.

Cue screaming (actual howling-style screaming) 'How DARE you talk to me like that, HOW DARE YOU, HOW DARE YOU'.

At this point I have got to my room, got on my clothes, phone, kindle and walked out the front door. The howling continues, I can hear it from the driveway.

She texts me to say that she's 'sorry' but 6 weeks ago it was agreed she could have the car, so therefore she's being mistreated etc, despite her being told no, you can't borrow it several times over the last few weeks.

Again, she is 29 years old. Anyone want to guess what's going to happen with the car? (I can!!!)

[trinity0097]

Make sure your mum hides the keys away to the car!!!

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

OMG! Just stay away! Go to the movies, sit in the park, anything.

You know, at this point I think you need to just back away and not fight your parent's battles for them. They're allowing your sister to treat them this way, so why should you put yourself in the line of fire?

Grit your teeth and bear it, only a few more days, right? Once you get home I'd send your parents an email outlining the various incidents and how hurtful it is to see them being treated that way by your sister and tell them that this is why you will never come home to visit until you can afford to stay elsewhere as the stress is just too much.

[pandarific]

Yeah, I am never staying at home again, just no way. I get guilted by my mother for not having a better relationship with (meaning pander to) her.

I just told her she needed psychotherapy. She told my mother, who demanded i apologise. I said no, and she has just turned on me following me from room to room abusing me, and I'm now sitting outside in my mothers car in a rainstorm to get away from her.

Fuck this, seriously. Mumsnet, please help me.

[RandomMess]

TBH whether your sister has ASD/personality disorder or not clearly the way your parents have handled it has not helped her mature.

Just hugs, can you change your travel to go home earlier?

[pandarific]

I leave tomorrow thank god. Out with a friend now - never again!

[Themodernuriahheep]

The poor three if you. In the old days it would have been said that she's got a screw loose...best way I can put it, tbh. She seriously needs something.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

Can you stay with that friend overnight tonight?

[FantasticButtocks]

Get yourself a book called Where to draw the line, setting boundaries for everyday life by Anne Katherine, it's on kindle if you have one.

[pandarific]

Thanks everyone - you kept me sane! My mother is letting her take the car. Not my issue, just - sigh.

I've stuck that book on my kindle fan - I may get a copy for my mum and post it to her.

I've arranged with my partner that were staying home next year and people can come to us.

[diddl]

TBH it does sound as if she is used to getting herway & then just shouts until it happens again!

More fool your parents as they are the ones living with it!

Re the car-if she hasn't passed her test how can she take it?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

She's only got a provisional licence. She can't drive except when accompanied by a driver with a full licence. Your mother is insane to allow her to take her car, and will be an accessory to any accident your sister has. (I'm guessing she's a crap driver.) You need to tell your mum this. And maybe the police, to keep an eye out and charge your sister for driving unlicensed. Let her tantrum at a judge, oh yes.

[diddl]

"which she has told my sister she cannot borrow unless she is away for the weekend."

How does that work if she hasn't passed her test?

"My mother is letting her take the car. Not my issue, just - sigh."

I'm afraid that I'd have to phone my mum & have words with her if she is actually intending to let a learner driver drive alone just because she can't say no.

[Themodernuriahheep]

Er, does Ireland have different rules? Ie you have a provisional for a year or do after you have passed but can go out on your own. I vaguely recall being told something like that, but otherwise it's as others have said

[diddl]

"My father supports my mother, telling her, for the 59th time in the last few days, to 1) pass her test then 2) buy herself a car."

That from the OP.

So it sounds as if she shouldn't drive alone.

And any insurance would be not valid of course.

[Dipankrispaneven]

Seriously, does your mother know that if she lets your sister take the car she will be colluding in a criminal offence? And that if your sister is stopped she will have the book thrown at her for driving without a licence and without insurance? And that the police have the power to confiscate the car and have it destroyed for driving without insurance?

To say nothing of what happens if she has an accident and injures someone. And, by the sound of her, that is almost inevitable. Seriously, you have to stop this.

[hiddenhome2]

Your sister isn't mentally stable enough to drive a car. If she road rages then she could kill someone, not to mention she's not qualified to drive as she only has a provisional licence.

I'd be emailing the police with her details so they can pull her over.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

Thing is, OP gets shouted down by her mum whenever she criticizes her sister. Giving her mum a 'talking to' about the car wouldn't do a damn bit of good and would just end up with her (OP) being upset and frustrated.

OP doesn't need to say jack shit to her mother. It's not her responsibility. Her mum knows the right thing to do and is choosing to disregard it.

[knobblyknee]

If your mum lends her the car knowing she only has a provisional licence she is going to land in hot water along with your sister.

[ovenchips]

Gawd, you have my sympathies. She sounds like a very, very difficult person. I think you are so wise to say you will not visit from next year.

FWIW It doesn't sound ASDish to me (my DD has ASD though also learning difficulties so not like for like comparison).

Can I ask how are her relationships/ friendships outside her immediate family? How was school? Work? Socially? Just curious how she acts with them.

[diddl]

Yes, maybe her mum doesn't deserve a heads up.

And I suppose the police won't be interested in something that might happen!

So let's hope for other road users that OP's sister can drive OK!

[HoHoHoandaBottleOfRum]

dreadful but your dm should have put her in her place many years ago and never let her - rule the bloody roost!

does she have any LD

[YouTheCat]

If she's driving with a provisional license and no one accompanying her doesn't that mean she's not insured?

I'd report the license plate to the police. Let her tantrum at them and see how far it gets her.

She hasn't got a full license and so she shouldn't be driving on her own.