To hate my sister

[pandarific]

...right now. She's always been a nightmare, and a lot of my childhood was listening to her screaming for what she wanted/didn't want etc. My mother used to say 'she rules the roost' - ignoring the fact that she as the adult allowed it to continue. When my parents broke up I was left with my mother and her, and the screaming just continued and continued. I am visiting my home country for Christmas and can't just leave, feel shit and trapped.

Last year, she screamed through the whole Christmas break, constantly picking fights about nothing, just wanting attention and to defend this bizarre persecution complex she has - everyone is always horrible and terrible to her. She is an adult woman (29), but acts like a tantrumming child. When she's not tantrumming, she's babbling constantly, demanding your attention so you listen to whatever she wants to tell you, just monologues of crap - this guy she dated who was horrible to her, her struggles learning to drive - just on and on, regardless of whether you want to listen or not.

Due to not wanting to listen to a ten minute monologue (I said politely 'I'm just watching this film at the moment, why don't you tell us over dinner'), more screaming and shouting. Everyone else is always wrong, she is always right. There was more screaming earlier because I was lying down having a nap, she was packing in the same room - my mother says 'Isn't panda trying to have a cue in there?' - cue screaming, shouting for 10 minutes, how DARE she be accused of being selfish, rant rant rant.

I mentioned that in the next few years, I and my partner (he couldn't come visiting with me this year) will be hopefully having a baby - cue rant that she'd always wanted to live near me, and wah wah I'll need to move 'home'. I have had previous emotional manipulation from my mother who would love me to move back to home country, which I have nipped in the bud, but to get it from my sister is really galling. She is obsessed with keeping things 'the same' and has been talking about doing holiday things 'every year' - attempting to control everyone.

She is the most selfish person I have ever met and is possessive of me - when I call her on her appalling behaviour, she accuses my mother of poisoning me against her. It's her own foul behaviour that does that! Yesterday during (yet another) row, she told me when my parents are gone, it will be just her and me so I will HAVE to have a relationship with her and will NEED her. FFS.

Last year was a million times worse - I texted her before I came this year telling her that if she did the same again this year it'd ruin our relationship and she has been a bit better to be fair, but I'm just knackered being around a psycho. I confided to my mother that I am actually worried about having a child as my grandmother was so similar - could be really vicious, incredibly controlling and rigid - what if my child is like this? Being a massive shithead seems to run in my family :( :(

I am going on hol on the 31st (which in itself caused massive upheaval - 'WHAT? But it's CHRISTMAS' etc etc complete with criticism of my destination), am about to pour myself a massive gin and I've got my silicone earplugs in until I watch the bake off... I'm just knackered - I hate this shit.

[diddl]

car!

[diddl]

Good!

And of course you can present it as being concerned that it might happen.

It doesn't have to be all guns blazing that thoughtless selfish sister is going to take mum's ar...

[AdjustableWench]

I think you're doing the right thing, panda. It doesn't matter how nearly she passed her test - if she failed, she failed. Clearly someone needs to get through to your mum and dad, and if your uncle can do that, then great.

FWIW, I don't think it sounds like ASD (my teenage daughter has ASD). It sounds to me more like my pal's sister, who also 'rules the roost' by having toddler-style tantrums whenever she doesn't get her own way. This woman is in her 30s, and she has the whole family walking on eggshells because no one ever set boundaries when she was a child. No SEN or anything like that (as far as anyone knows); just ineffective parenting. She expects family to do everything for her, and won't lift a finger to learn new skills (like sorting out her finances). She's relatively successful professionally, but no one would ever guess what goes on behind closed doors. Very frustrating.

Your sister's car thing is really serious though. If she gets pulled over by the cops she'll lose her (provisional) licence. If she has an accident she's not insured (but will nevertheless be liable for any costs or compensation - out of her own pocket).

I like your plan to stop spending Christmas with her!

[pandarific]

I'm bypassing my mum and dad completely and calling my uncle - he will back me and put his foot down.

The fallout will be that I have widened the circle of knowledge to non-immediate family members, and have gone behind their backs. But I will be ready for it!

[vanillaessence04]

Good for you! You can do it!

[pandarific]

littleleftie she will not be, because it is not going to happen. This is too serious. If I have to call the rest of the family to stage an intervention I will. This ends here.

[vanillaessence04]

your story reminds me of a woman I knew at uni. she hasn't succeeded in life (kicked out of uni for not attending classes, on antidepressants and would also drink = cue panic attacks etc, moved back in with parents) and the last I heard her cousins were thinking THEY were going to have to support her financially as her SD was quite and old farmer. What I mean is, is there something you can do to alert your ma to the fact that she needs to step up now, maybe family counselling? otherwise, what will happen when she gets older and isn't here to take care of your sister?

[littleleftie]

But she will be an uninsured driver

[pandarific]

I've texted my mother laying out exactly what you all have said. I told her I love her and I am trying to protect her by telling her all this - not make her stress worse.

Just fyi my sister is a fairly good driver - she just barely missed passing her test recently due to being over-cautious. (Not that she should take it, she should absolutely not take the car.)

I won't report her - it will get my mum in massive trouble, and I just can't. I will do everything in my power to prevent it from happening though.

[littleleftie]

I thought the law in Ireland had changed so that it was the same as UK - you cannot drive unaccompanied on a Learner Permit since 2007?

[Dipankrispaneven]

OP's mum may know what she's doing to an extent, but I question whether she knows that she risks being prosecuted for letting her daughter drive the car, or that the car could be confiscated. And she's presumably closing her mind to the likelihood that the car will be crashed anyway.

While I think about it, OP, in case your sister bullies her mother into supervising her, that won't help unless she's on the car's insurance.

I must admit I'd be heavily tempted to alert the police, not least for the safety of everyone else on the road, but presumably OP doesn't want to get her mother in trouble.

[YouTheCat]

If she's driving with a provisional license and no one accompanying her doesn't that mean she's not insured?

I'd report the license plate to the police. Let her tantrum at them and see how far it gets her.

She hasn't got a full license and so she shouldn't be driving on her own.

[HoHoHoandaBottleOfRum]

dreadful but your dm should have put her in her place many years ago and never let her - rule the bloody roost!

does she have any LD

[diddl]

Yes, maybe her mum doesn't deserve a heads up.

And I suppose the police won't be interested in something that might happen!

So let's hope for other road users that OP's sister can drive OK!

[ovenchips]

Gawd, you have my sympathies. She sounds like a very, very difficult person. I think you are so wise to say you will not visit from next year.

FWIW It doesn't sound ASDish to me (my DD has ASD though also learning difficulties so not like for like comparison).

Can I ask how are her relationships/ friendships outside her immediate family? How was school? Work? Socially? Just curious how she acts with them.

[knobblyknee]

If your mum lends her the car knowing she only has a provisional licence she is going to land in hot water along with your sister.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

Thing is, OP gets shouted down by her mum whenever she criticizes her sister. Giving her mum a 'talking to' about the car wouldn't do a damn bit of good and would just end up with her (OP) being upset and frustrated.

OP doesn't need to say jack shit to her mother. It's not her responsibility. Her mum knows the right thing to do and is choosing to disregard it.

[hiddenhome2]

Your sister isn't mentally stable enough to drive a car. If she road rages then she could kill someone, not to mention she's not qualified to drive as she only has a provisional licence.

I'd be emailing the police with her details so they can pull her over.

[Dipankrispaneven]

Seriously, does your mother know that if she lets your sister take the car she will be colluding in a criminal offence? And that if your sister is stopped she will have the book thrown at her for driving without a licence and without insurance? And that the police have the power to confiscate the car and have it destroyed for driving without insurance?

To say nothing of what happens if she has an accident and injures someone. And, by the sound of her, that is almost inevitable. Seriously, you have to stop this.

[diddl]

"My father supports my mother, telling her, for the 59th time in the last few days, to 1) pass her test then 2) buy herself a car."

That from the OP.

So it sounds as if she shouldn't drive alone.

And any insurance would be not valid of course.

[Themodernuriahheep]

Er, does Ireland have different rules? Ie you have a provisional for a year or do after you have passed but can go out on your own. I vaguely recall being told something like that, but otherwise it's as others have said

[diddl]

"which she has told my sister she cannot borrow unless she is away for the weekend."

How does that work if she hasn't passed her test?

"My mother is letting her take the car. Not my issue, just - sigh."

I'm afraid that I'd have to phone my mum & have words with her if she is actually intending to let a learner driver drive alone just because she can't say no.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

She's only got a provisional licence. She can't drive except when accompanied by a driver with a full licence. Your mother is insane to allow her to take her car, and will be an accessory to any accident your sister has. (I'm guessing she's a crap driver.) You need to tell your mum this. And maybe the police, to keep an eye out and charge your sister for driving unlicensed. Let her tantrum at a judge, oh yes.

[diddl]

TBH it does sound as if she is used to getting herway & then just shouts until it happens again!

More fool your parents as they are the ones living with it!

Re the car-if she hasn't passed her test how can she take it?

[pandarific]

Thanks everyone - you kept me sane! My mother is letting her take the car. Not my issue, just - sigh.

I've stuck that book on my kindle fan - I may get a copy for my mum and post it to her.

I've arranged with my partner that were staying home next year and people can come to us.