To hate my sister

[pandarific]

...right now. She's always been a nightmare, and a lot of my childhood was listening to her screaming for what she wanted/didn't want etc. My mother used to say 'she rules the roost' - ignoring the fact that she as the adult allowed it to continue. When my parents broke up I was left with my mother and her, and the screaming just continued and continued. I am visiting my home country for Christmas and can't just leave, feel shit and trapped.

Last year, she screamed through the whole Christmas break, constantly picking fights about nothing, just wanting attention and to defend this bizarre persecution complex she has - everyone is always horrible and terrible to her. She is an adult woman (29), but acts like a tantrumming child. When she's not tantrumming, she's babbling constantly, demanding your attention so you listen to whatever she wants to tell you, just monologues of crap - this guy she dated who was horrible to her, her struggles learning to drive - just on and on, regardless of whether you want to listen or not.

Due to not wanting to listen to a ten minute monologue (I said politely 'I'm just watching this film at the moment, why don't you tell us over dinner'), more screaming and shouting. Everyone else is always wrong, she is always right. There was more screaming earlier because I was lying down having a nap, she was packing in the same room - my mother says 'Isn't panda trying to have a cue in there?' - cue screaming, shouting for 10 minutes, how DARE she be accused of being selfish, rant rant rant.

I mentioned that in the next few years, I and my partner (he couldn't come visiting with me this year) will be hopefully having a baby - cue rant that she'd always wanted to live near me, and wah wah I'll need to move 'home'. I have had previous emotional manipulation from my mother who would love me to move back to home country, which I have nipped in the bud, but to get it from my sister is really galling. She is obsessed with keeping things 'the same' and has been talking about doing holiday things 'every year' - attempting to control everyone.

She is the most selfish person I have ever met and is possessive of me - when I call her on her appalling behaviour, she accuses my mother of poisoning me against her. It's her own foul behaviour that does that! Yesterday during (yet another) row, she told me when my parents are gone, it will be just her and me so I will HAVE to have a relationship with her and will NEED her. FFS.

Last year was a million times worse - I texted her before I came this year telling her that if she did the same again this year it'd ruin our relationship and she has been a bit better to be fair, but I'm just knackered being around a psycho. I confided to my mother that I am actually worried about having a child as my grandmother was so similar - could be really vicious, incredibly controlling and rigid - what if my child is like this? Being a massive shithead seems to run in my family :( :(

I am going on hol on the 31st (which in itself caused massive upheaval - 'WHAT? But it's CHRISTMAS' etc etc complete with criticism of my destination), am about to pour myself a massive gin and I've got my silicone earplugs in until I watch the bake off... I'm just knackered - I hate this shit.

[pandarific]

Thanks Nettle. I will send them a link to the diagnosis page - after I leave.

from living with her for years and observing her grow up, maybe there is the slightest touch of asd, but then again, having seen how massively she was indulged as a child (appeasing rather than punishing for bad behaviour, my mother never, ever sticking to her guns) I think there's no way to know whether it's that, or she was just spoiled as a child and is acting badly at the moment because she's stressed over this new job and feels it's fine to let it out at family (never mind how they feel about it). Who knows?

Thank you for talking to me about it, everyone. It's really helped - no one at work could understand why I wasn't getting excited about xmas, none of my friends seem to have difficult family.

[pandarific]

At 19, my sister would ask my mum for a cup of tea, and my mum would get up from the sofa, and go and make it for her.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

i think my dd is always looking for love So jumping up to make tea - would prove you love her - dropping everything to deal with her drama the same.
Yesterday we watched her video - all good - today was her sisters turn - not so good - all Shes the favorite - blah .. her xmas present was more expensive this year - and she knows it - but Sister still got better gifts
not getting her own way is massive meltdown - we ignore -

[Themodernuriahheep]

Er, my Ds , 18, asks for tea, but on the other hand only pretends to sulk when I say make it yourself..

[WoodHeaven]

The thing is, with dc2 who is also on the spectrum, I'm sure that from the outside, it looked like I have been pandering to him. Actually, dc1 told me I was.
In reality, punishing never made ANY difference as he had no control over his reactions as a young child. Also in the middle of a meltdown, he couldn't hear anything nor understand what it was all about. Even when everything was calm, he would struggle to understand the sequences of events and why his reaction was wrong.
On the other side, he did need a lot of support when he had a meltdown and a lot of support to recover from it. (He used to be very sad of what he did, was saying he couldn't stop himself etc etc).
A friend of mine has a dc who has just been diagnosed (he is 13yo) and she told me the diagnosis made her feel much better about the way she parrented her dc, 'babying him' a lot or rather giving him a lot of suppport that ne needed/needs. She didn't know it at the time but that's what felt right to her (and was right for her dc)

All that to say, it might be that your mum treated her like a baby. Or it might be that it was the best way to deal/support her.

[WoodHeaven]

btw, the stuff with the cup of tea.
I've seen my dad doing that to my mum too. Or for my SIL to do that with my MIL. None of them are abusive or annoying or whatever. IT's just the way their relationship works.

[NettleTea]

I think that may be where the idea that PDA developed into a personality disorder might stem from - it may well be that due to not having a diagnosis that the effort of living constantly driven by anxiety and feeling 'wrong' (whilst having to prove you are 'right') and the need to control in order to avoid meltdowns, is traumatic enough to develope into a PD. Also if left unexplained/undiagnosed/unchallenged, along with a lack of empathy for others, the traits may just be secondnature/hardwired as time goes on, making it very difficult to address.
You would need someone very experienced in ASD in girls, and a full history, in order to distinguish between the two to be honest. we can only speculate here going on our own experiences of ASD/PDA in girls, and the bells ringing in the OPs posts

[CakeMountain]

You sound lovely , OP

[pandarific]

CakeMountain what have I said that makes me so awful? Did you miss the part where she screamed at my dad today that he is a 'stupid ass', that she has made multiple shitty comments to me over the past few days?

[pandarific]

Ah I agree the cup of tea is a nothing - I'm just trying to illustrate the mother/sister dynamic. Sister asks for/demands something, however unreasonable, mother out of love appeases her and provides it, even if it's unreasonable.

[Galvanised]

The thing is, what's unreasonable to you might genuinely not be unreasonable for her. If she has autism-related issues, ordinary things in daily life can be a struggle. Socialising is exhausting with autism, you may like to seek out people and social occasions, but the reality is (for someone with autism), it's draining and she might be feeling fraught, fragile and emotional afterwards.
The worst part, for you and your family, is that this isn't fixable. The only thing that helps is understanding on both the her and your parts-and finding strategies to deal with it, like taking time out to recharge, cbt, mindfulness, knowing her limits etc.

[Galvanised]

I meant - she might like to seek out people and social occasions.

[pandarific]

Have had a conversation with OH, staying at home next year - invites will be given, and every visit gratefully received, but I think the family visits can be retired now - every xmas 7 years after I moved out is enough. We'll put up or arrange paid foraccommodation for anyone who would like to come - I think that's fair for next year.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Wow.

She sounds like the perfect reason not to move back to your home country anytime soon!

[Chchchchange]

She sounds almost identical to my cousin OP who I long thought had Oppositional Defiance Disorder (is that what it's called?) but who has in the last couple of years been diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder. Have a look into it, with our family reading the descriptions it just clicked. I'm not sure with my cousin whether having a diagnosis has changed much. I'm not in the loop enough to know if she's getting help but I do know my aunt has found it helpful to have a label and to know why my cousin behaves so badly at times. She really was a nightmare growing up and still can be.

[Atenco]

Mmm, you say your grandmother was similar, I'm thinking that your mother became so used to this type of personality that she allowed your sister to become that way and it doesn't seem so strange to her.

[WoodHeaven]

lemony Can I ask what sort of therapies you fouind helpful? (trying to find ways to support dc2 as he enters the dreaded teenage years....)

[pandarific]

Better today, extended family over so she's behaving herself. I've managed not to have any fights with her this xmas, just ignored/disengaged.

It makes it more difficult to be around her when she's not being a cow though, especially when she starts trying to be nice to me. She has forced everyone in the house to exist in a state of permanent tension for the last two days, and now the charm gets turned on. I just can't be arsed tbh.

[thedevilinside]

Sounds like my sister too who has been diagnosed with ASD, but I suspect, like my sister, your sister is lowish in empathy. It can be a toxic mix. Now my sister is older she responds to logic, so I can calmly explain why certain behavior is unacceptable. So there are fewer meltdowns, we have gone NC a few times, but I usually make the peace, as her good qualities are worth the effort. I am on the spectrum too, but higher in empathy and more reasonable

[Chopz]

Have you shown your mum this thread? Or raised the ASD topic?

[pandarific]

I'm definitely not going to show my mum this thread - it's a lot of my negative frustrations of my sister, which would just hurt her feelings to no good effect. Literally two minutes after the car pulled away nice-as-pie vanished and shouty-demanding was back - sigh.

To be honest ASD just doesn't seem to sit right to me and I'm a bit surprised by the focus on it on here. I know women present differently, but I have read the links sent and read around the subject and it doesn't fit with what I know of her - it may be I've focused on the wrong things in my posts, but histrionic personality disorder sounds the closest to me so far - or, just someone who's grown up spoiled with a lack of boundaries enforced, and who has issues with control.

I did mention ASD as a possibility to my dad last night, though it was like talking to the wall - he's just not reacted at all. I don't think he thinks there's anything non-NT about her, just a 'difficult' person who is stressed. I will mention it to my mother, but I reckon she will just shrug it off. She's not very academic or into science and probably will ignore.

One thing I have taken away from this is I am never, ever staying in the family home for Christmas. And bless my mum, she has thrown away my earplugs - she thought they were blobs of candle wax!

[pandarific]

I don't hate my sister, by the way. The whole situation is just a bit much for me, and I am constantly torn between guilt and anger, anger and guilt - coupled with frustration at the tiptoeing around.

for the help - I feel good that at least I managed to avoid any rows this year and only need to feel guilty about making this thread, rather than exploding at her.