To wonder what my Inlaws were thinking?

[19lottie82]

OK, back story, sorry this is kind of long!

I have been with my DH for 6 years now, married for 2. He has 2 DDs, who I get on well with and they live with us half the time, and with their Mum half the time. His ex is a recovering alcoholic, but has been sober for a year ish now.

He and her are amicable (just, for most of the time) for the sake of the kids, but I've only met her once in passing, which resulted in texts to my DH calling me fat and ugly. My other encounters with her have been one sided face book messages from her to me full of abuse ect ect and that's been about it, but she constantly slags me toff to the kids and to my DH.
There are other examples of her kicking off but I'll try not to waffle.

I get on OK with his parents, but in general I find them slightly ignorant. We scrimped and saved to be blue to afford a house nearer the girls school, and for them to have their own rooms ( something PILs commented on a LOT until we finally got the deposit together to buy our current home). Anyway, we moved in in September, and they haven't been to see it once, despite invitations, and the fact they live less than a mile away.
Also when I go to theirs they just talk amongst themselves and I get asked the odd small talk question every half an hour or so, they nod and then go back to the main conversation, which is usually nothing I can really join in with, like about my FIL's business, or similar.
If you asked them how old I was, or where I worked, I don't think they would know, despite me being with their son for 6 years and helping to raise their DGC's.

We were supposed to go to my PILs for dinner today with the girls (they stayed at their Mums last night) for a belated Christmas meal.

An hour ago my DH got a phone call from his ex saying his parents had invited her for dinner! Now, there is no way I can go now without it being the most uncomfortable scenario you can even begin to imagine. For me, my DH and the DC's. I would assume she would have thought the same, but she's told DH she is going and isn't going to change her mind.

Now he's upset because it was supposed to be "our family meal" with his parents (who btw neglected to tell either of us they have invited his crazy ex wife! ). If she hadn't have told him, we would have just turned up none the wiser!

I've told DH if he wants to go alone I don't mind, but he's saying, no he won't go now. But he is upset as ex had the kids last night and is taking them to her side of the family tomorrow night, for a big do, then it's "her" week with the kids. (We do a week on a week off). So when wil he get quality Christmas time with me him and the kids?

He's left about half an hour ago to "speak" to his parents but I'm already dreading the outcome. He will end up upset, the DC's will end upset and he will no doubly end up having a row with his parents.

AIBU in thinking what the hell were they thinking?

Oh and just to point out, even though we don't get on great, they don't have mega love for the ex either! So it's not like they love her and hate me, or think if it wasn't for me DH would have got back with her or anything like that!

Sorry for waffling!

Whereyouleftit

"He's left about half an hour ago to "speak" to his parents but I'm already dreading the outcome. He will end up upset, the DC's will end upset and he will no doubly end up having a row with his parents."

"he doesn't want any more fights."

From one of the op's posts^, sounds to me like he has said something more than once.

You sound lovely OP and I like this comment: "I just let them get on with it. They're not bad people, just a bit ignorant and selfish IMO. I don't usually let it get to me"

I have a lovely ex-MIL, much nicer than your PIL, but she has still done some shit stuff to me over the years, in among the nice stuff. Take what you can of what is good and leave the rest.

Looks like you will have to have Christmas in January, sounds like a great way to get through that dismal month.

Could it be at all possible that the ex was holding the DGC 'hostage'? If she has primary custody would she be the type to threaten them with not seeing the children or turning them against them? Maybe not 'out loud' but subtly?

Also, were you the OW? You don't have to answer that, but if so, that could be a reason. Did her drinking spiral when she and your DH split or when you and he got together? Even if you weren't on the scene it could be that your iLs have 'transferred' their feelings to you as they aren't going to want to blame their son.

None of this is an excuse, mind you. But it could explain why they treat you so disrespectfully.

I'd probably gird my loins and go to the meal. I'd be a bit quiet and very observant. You may see clues to their behaviour and/or things that you and DH will need to watch for in the future.

No, I wasn't the OW. And we have primary custody of the kids, due to her alcoholism. As I said she's been sober (most of the time anyway) for a couple of years now. she was in full swing drinking wise before I met him.

As I explained in my OP the PILs don't particularly like her either , which is what makes this even more bizarre!

It's not really her I'm peed off with tonight anyway, it's more my inlaws!

It's not really her I'm peed off with tonight anyway, it's more my inlaws!

Yes they are shit, but do is your DH for allowing then to treat you like this for 6 years. He needs a kick in the balls

Will PIL water your plants etc when you go on holiday? If no, then why would you do theirs?
Tell them to drop the dog off at your house and say here is the address in case you need it.
Chickens - someone else's problem.
They are taking you, DH and DGC for granted.

i agree with whoever posted that your dp needs to waken up and have a word with his parents. They are showing you and your relationship NO respect. Sounds to me like they are denying you as part of the family.

I have read back your original post and confirm that the in laws do not want you as part of the family.
Surely your original post tells you this:

when I go to theirs they just talk amongst themselves and I get asked the odd small talk question every half an hour or so, they nod and then go back to the main conversation, which is usually nothing I can really join in with, like about my FIL's business, or similar.
If you asked them how old I was, or where I worked, I don't think they would know, despite me being with their son for 6 years and helping to raise their DGC's.

They are trying to freeze you out.

Re I just let them get on with it. They're not bad people, just a bit ignorant and selfish IMO. well they can find someone else to look after their chickens and dog and allow their ex daughter in law to bring the kids over on her time with them for a bit. See how that goes down.

Hopefully you and the girls can enjoy a nice day with your dh in the next few days but DH does need to eplain to his parents that this must not happen again and if it does you, the kids and he will not play ball and rearrange the boxing day around their wishes.

Life is too short and you sound like a gem, he and they are lucky to have you.

Greengardenpixie........ I already know this! However I try not to take it personally as they have another son (and DIL) and daughter they don't speak to.

DH didn't go in the end, (I told him he could if he wanted to, I didn't mind) which meant the kids were Disappointed. DH was pretty upset too, more than he let on I think, mainly because his parents are just crazy!

Maybe he should tell him parents to treat me a bit better but TBH I can't see them changing, and I don't want him to have a permenant fall out with them (they're the never admit they're wrong types!), which could be a strong possibility judging that their NC with so many other family members! At the end of the day they're still his mum and dad, and the DC's gran and grandad.

I think I'm happy enough to stay out of their way, after today!

Well i think you did the right thing. Dont burst a gut to help them out. its their loss. They will get over it. Tbh, it is more than ignorant to have asked the ex over. It is quite honestly totally interfering and out of order. i agree, stay out of their way.