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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

EX taking dd to his ex wife's house AIBU?

20 replies

Homepride1 · 25/12/2015 22:18

Ex hasn't seen his son 12 for over a year now, his son refused to have anything to do with him and wouldn't even take a call from him.

Exdp son has not seen my dd (15 months) since she was weeks old. Ex says he saw his son a few days ago when he dropped birthday presents off and chatted to him fir 10 mins or so, tomorrow ex is having dd for the day to take to his brothers but has said on the way he is going to pop into ex wife's with dd to see his son.

I just feel uneasy about this, don't know why but just don't feel like she should be in his ex wife's house and if his son wants to see her that much he would come out with his dad to see her (he was also invited to the family fir Boxing Day but refused)

AIBU to feel like this? Totally happy to be told I am

OP posts:

nocabbageinmyeye · 25/12/2015 22:36

I personally don't see a problem with this at all, assuming they are all perfectly normal respectable people and there is nothing besides your ok that is, certainly not because it's your ex's ex, think of it as his son not his ex

Original poster

Homepride1 · 25/12/2015 22:42

Your prob right, I just couldn't get my head around it, it's like sending dd to my ex husbands and his wife's....... Which would never happen

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 25/12/2015 22:49

Unless there is a back story YABU, you keep referring to DD as "yours", but she's equally as much her fathers? He is taking her to see her half brother?
Why shouldn't she be in the exWifes house? It's where her half brother lives?

Original poster

Homepride1 · 25/12/2015 22:52

I do kind of refer to dd as mine, ex didn't want her and hasn't really been around to much, I have pretty much done it alone, he try's now ever now snd then but know he will never be great, hence why his son doesn't bother with him

OP posts:

DeltaZeta · 25/12/2015 22:59

So he's taking his DD to see her half brother? Unless there's a massive backstory, I don't think it's an unreasonable thing for him to do.

CalleighDoodle · 25/12/2015 23:05

Why would he never take your dd to his and his wife's house?

19lottie82 · 25/12/2015 23:22

Calleigh...... He's not taking his DD to his wife's house. It's to his EX wife's house. He was married to her before he got to get her with the soap, who he is now also not with.

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2015 23:40

CalleighDoodle re Why would he never take your dd to his and his wife's house? I don't think the OP said her ex and his wife she said her ex and his ex wife. Judging by the children's respective ages this is the woman the OP was married to before he was with her. Not the same as a person and their current partner.

I can totally understand why you are uncomfortable with this, I would be too. Does your ex know his daughter and does she know him? Does he see her fairly regularly?

It sounds like your ex has been a pretty absent father, didn't want his daughter and his own son doesn't want to have much to do with him and doesn't want to go to his dad's house or to join his dad at the brother/uncle's home for a Christmas celebration.

But is he a responsible adult to supervise his daughter for a day out?

In one sense it is surprising a child of 12 is that interested in seeing a 15 month old baby, even one they are related to. My guess is that either the ex wife would like her son to know his half sister more, or you ex would like his son to know his half sister more and this is the only way for it to happen, none of this is bad in itself. Maybe the boy does really want to see his sister. And developing a relationship may be good for both of them in the long run. If that happens, that might one day be facilitated by you.

If you feel all the adults are trustworthy, normal people I would not worry too much but I do understand you are not completely comfortable with it.

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2015 23:40

Ooo cross posted with 19lottie82

CalleighDoodle · 25/12/2015 23:49

Thanks. Ive clearly drank too much to follow.

Original poster

Homepride1 · 25/12/2015 23:51

Thank you greyhound I think it's more of a case my ex wants his son to see dd more than anything, his ex wife really hasn't shown any interest in helping the children develop a bond.

I do feel uneasy about ex being in charge of dd, this is his first overnight contact he would if had with her and the only reason I have agreed is because it will be at his brothers and SIL house so I know they will be there to help

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 00:33

CalleighDoodle I've drank some too but have just eaten so much it's absorbed any alcohol!

Can I ask how often your ex looks after dd and normally for how long?

Re I do feel uneasy about ex being in charge of dd, this is his first overnight contact he would if had with her and the only reason I have agreed is because it will be at his brothers and SIL house so I know they will be there to help Is the over night part going to be at the ex wife?

If so and you are not happy just say, presumably you agreed to visit because you thought it was just ex partner with his brother and his wife and not another woman who you presumably do not know know at all well.

You say I do feel uneasy about ex being in charge of dd I am just wondering where your ex will be, won't he be there too, won't he be in charge of dd? Is there any chance he would go out and leave her with ex? You said on the way he is going to pop into ex wife's with dd to see his son. Which sounds a bit like stopping by for a short time, not leaving her with his ex wife.

Do you drive, could you go with him for the part to ex or would that be really awkward?

If you are not happy just say no if you don't want it to happen. It is unsettling enough for a young child to be away from mum for an overnight, even if with dad, unless she knows dad well, which it appears she does not. Without including a home and family the baby does not know. Your ex may not agree or may not follow what you say/suggest but you can at least express your concerns.

Just make sure it is all about your dd's feelings and welfare, and by your I mean plural, you and your ex, so he feels you are not trying to undermine him but you are both looking out for how dd will feel. It sounds like he is more interested in his son's 'needs' and this may be that he is trying to rebuild the relationship with his son. Which is a good thing, presumably, as long as he is also taking your (plural) dd's needs into account.

In your shoes I would at least explain to your ex that this visit could be unsettling for your daughter and if he wants the visit to go well he will take special care of her and make sure the stop off to see her half brother is well supervised etc.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 00:34

Oh sorry not it is me who has misread, you feel worried about him, your ex being in charge of dd not his ex! Ignore the bits about that in my post, I thought you meant he may leave dd with his ex! Maybe I have eaten too many liqueur chocs!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/12/2015 00:37

Yabu.

QuartzUcan · 26/12/2015 00:46

Also agree with other posters that unless there are worrying reasons it is good to promote half sibling contact.
The fault of the respective parents in keeping contact/ promoting developing a bond could easily start to be redressed here now. 12 is a tricky age and if he is seeing his Dad, albeit briefly, then allow the visit as it will be short. It is up to your ex to repair bridges with his son and to be careful that future contact with your dd isn't always doubled up with him also seeing his lad as your dd will naturally hog all his attention. A careful balance and some willing trust on all sides should hopefully make 2016 a year when both siblings are in each other's lives gently. I wish you all luck. Tricky times.

QuartzUcan · 26/12/2015 00:49

Perhaps even a small token gift for dd to take to her "brother"?

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2015 04:26

it's like sending dd to my ex husbands and his wife's....... Which would never happen

So your dd is your ex's, yes? And if he were to remarry you would not allow him to have her in their house? That's pretty controlling op!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 26/12/2015 04:58

I think people are getting confused by the number of ex's.

DD op and her ex boyfriends daughter.
Op's ex boyfriend, has a son who lives with his mother, (op's ex's ex wife)
Op also has an ex husband, who is remarried.

The line about sending the DD to her ex husbands which would never happen, is not referring to The ex that is the DDs dad but a previous ex that has no link to the the DD.

and I think it's the fact that the ex's ex wife has no connection to the op's DD that is making her feel uneasy. And tbh I think both you and your ex are perhaps expecting to much of the son. It seems from your op that the relationship between father and son is only just rebuilding. I'm afraid in a sense your ex is right the boy isn't ready to go out with him to meet your daughter like you want. But then if he's only just started talking to his dad again I'm not entirely sure taking your daughter around is the best thing at all, it's a bit quick.

Putting the other side slightly though OP, you say it would be like sending DD to your ex husbands, well it's slightly different isn't it, what if you and exH had a child together that lived with him, and you wanted the. to meet DD but you'd had very little contact, would you maybe feel that you were just taking your DD to see its sibling? Because that's all your ex is doing.

And again if it's your exs first over night contact, then not only is it a bit quick for the son it maybe for the DD. Especially as you have concerns.

No the ex wife isn't going to show an interest in fostering sibling relationship between the two children, it's not her responsibility to do so, your DD has nothing to do with her, which is why your uneasy about this I know, your ex is doing the right thing, just maybe too quickly for both children.

Enjolrass · 26/12/2015 09:11

Yabu.

He is taking his dd to meet his ds.

He is still going and staying with his dbro and sil? He is briefly stopping off to see his own son. Who lives with his ex wife.

I know loads of 12 year olds who would be interested in seeing a baby they were related to. Even for a few minutes.

He has been a great dad, but he obviously has done enough for you to be ok with an overnight stay. The over night but hasn't changed.

It's not the same as you sending dd to your ex husband and his wife. It's the same as you taking your dd to your ex husbands, if there was a child there that was also yours.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/12/2015 09:18

YABU he's only popping in and he didn't even need to tell you. It's not like your dds old enough to say I went and saw my brother.

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