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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask friends not to bring their sick child on Boxing Day?

64 replies

Genx77 · 24/12/2015 12:27

I need help rather urgently!
I have a boxing day gathering at our house every year for friends, everyone brings their children and we all have a great time.
However my friends son started with chicken pox on Monday, she tells me today she is still bringing him on Boxing Day. My son (3) has never had it. Will her child stil be contagious by Saturday?
I know my son will get it eventually but an added complication is that we are going on holiday in January and if he catches it we won't be able to go!
AIBU unreasonable or precious to ask her not to come? If not how the hell do I word it without sounding bloody awful?

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2015 13:16

YANBU, agree with all others, especially Hissy best to be clear now before the day so she can plan some activities or get a nice dvd etc for Boxing day, and with thelaundryfairy make other plans now for after Christmas break or your holiday.

If the child started chicken pox on Monday there are no guarantees he will not be infectious, at all!

Please make sure your friend knows she cannot bring her child which almost certainly means she cannot come but it cannot be avoided.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/chickenpox/Pages/Introduction.aspx

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Chickenpox/Pages/Prevention.aspx

People with chicken pox need to avoid contact with avoid contact with:

pregnant women
newborn babies
anyone who has a weak immune system, such as people who are having chemotherapy (a treatment for cancer) or taking steroid tablets

I would also (personally) add to that list anyone who has not yet had chicken pox, either adult or child.

Although you may know all your guests well you may not know whether any women are pregnant or who has a weakened immune system. You may also not know who has not yet had chicken pox, either adult or child.

There is a vaccine against chicken pox available. My son has been vaccinated against it.

CherryPits · 24/12/2015 13:18

He could also give shingles to any older people who have had it in the past.

Not very thoughtful of your friend at all!

Brioche201 · 24/12/2015 13:18

when are you going on hol?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/12/2015 13:21

He really couldn't give anyone shingles. You can't catch shingles from chickenpox.

But can catch chickenpox from shingles.

tobysmum77 · 24/12/2015 13:23

I would also (personally) add to that list anyone who has not yet had chicken pox, either adult or child.

I think children do have to have it as generally it's worse in adults so I would add to the end 'child who is about to go on holiday'.

But seriously op your friend is on another planet, you can't take a child with cp to a party

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2015 13:24

I have had shingles before and it is awful but you cannot catch it from chicken pox

www.nhs.uk/conditions/shingles/Pages/Introduction.aspx

"It is not possible to catch shingles from someone with the condition or from someone with chickenpox, but you can catch chickenpox from someone with shingles if you have not had it before."

BUT...

"What causes shingles?

Most people have chickenpox in childhood, but after the illness has gone, the virus remains dormant (inactive) in the nervous system. The immune system keeps the virus in check, but later in life it can be reactivated and cause shingles."

So obliviously there is a link.

There is also a vaccination for shingles.

I think ideas like wait and see, with regard to your friend, are not great because it will make it quite hard for her to make the call of whether he is safe to come, or not, maybe she will think he is but someone else may not. If it was just you and her and you have had it, then probably 100% fine, even if you were willing to take the risk with your own child it is not fair to expect guests to take that risk.

Chicken pox can be quite serious.

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2015 13:25

Cross posted with FanjofortheMammaries!

dementedpixie · 24/12/2015 13:25

CherryPits, you do NOT pass on shingles from contact with chicken pox so that is misinformation. If the spots have crusted over they are no longer contagious so it will depend what stage they are at by Boxing Day.

Jesabel · 24/12/2015 13:27

He should be ok by Saturday - apparently research hasn't shown infections from contact with someone who is 5 days past initial spots - but it is just on the cusp. If you need you child to be well for a holiday within the month then I would say they can't come.

TeaFathers · 24/12/2015 13:27

YANBU.
you'll have to tell her no and she'll just have to deal with it.

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2015 13:28

I think children do have to have it as generally it's worse in adults so I would add to the end 'child who is about to go on holiday'.

I don't think children have to have it, there is a vaccination. My son had not had it by nearly 4 so I had him vaccinated. I have read of children dying from Chicken pox so did not want to take the risk. Some other countries routinely vaccinate against chicken pox. With my dd, who is 6 years older I did not vaccinate. I had not, at that time, heard of anyone who had died of it so I was not worried, and dd was fine. But once i knew how serious it could be I wanted the vaccine.

I know two adult males you have not had it!

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2015 13:30

PS not being alarmist, I know most people will have it and be fine, I was, my dd was, but when ds got to almost 4 and had not had it I decided I did not want to wait for him to catch an illness. I had it done privately.

expatinscotland · 24/12/2015 13:32

You don't ask, you tell her, today, 'It's a pity, but you cannot bring X. He will still be infectious.' She turns up you don't let her in. She's being rude as hell.

tobysmum77 · 24/12/2015 13:34

I personally am not 100% sure about the vaccine in relation to longevity, as with low levels of vac there is no herd immunity. I agree it is an alternative option, however. Anyway it's largely irrelevant to the op because you can't speak for your other guests either way

ouryve · 24/12/2015 13:34

YANBU.

Even if your child is almost certain to catch chicken pox eventually, it's not something you want to deliberately expose them and other kids to, particularly at this time of year.

Brioche201 · 24/12/2015 13:41

one of my DDs is 14 and hasn't had it yet.A big worry.Although one of her brothers has had it 3 times.

Mrscog · 24/12/2015 13:41

How old is the poxy child? If old enough to just sit and watch TV in a different room and stay out of the way I might (and only if there were no other vulnerable people) consider it - even at the height of infectious mess you generally need 15-20 mins of close exposure to catch it, so if her DS is 10, nearly scabbed over and willing to sit ipading/watching films away from the party you'd probably be ok. Otherwise no.

Cressandra · 24/12/2015 13:46

Some sources say they are ok from 5 days irrespective of crusting (or they used to), but nhs says until the last spot has crusted over and I'd be going with that. It's possible your friend is following the 5 day theory, but point her towards the nhs website and tell her that's the source you are trusting.

IME the nhs statement that they are usually all crusted over by 5-6 days is ambitious. When it went through nursery, my 2 and most of their friends were crusted over and back to nursery on day 7, not earlier.

I think it's crystal clear she cannot bring an infectious poxy child. The point of debate is whether he is still infectious or not, and I'd say there is a reasonable risk that he will be.

RubbleBubble00 · 24/12/2015 13:49

On the fence. All my kids have had it mild with not too many spots and not off colour. They were all well crusted over by day 5, probably still wouldn't have took him to a.party though as scabbed over sits looked terrible

chillycurtains · 24/12/2015 13:51

YANBU but you need to make this clear to her to avoid an awkward doorstep situation. You could perhaps pop a small gift round and talk to her in person.

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2015 13:53

Toby the vaccine is not 100% - of course I imagine no vaccines are so I am not sure how it stacks up against other vaccine.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaccinations/pages/chickenpox-vaccine.aspx

"How effective is the chickenpox vaccine?

It has been shown that 9 out of 10 children vaccinated with a single dose will develop immunity against chickenpox. A two-dose schedule is recommended, as it gives an even better immune response.

The vaccination is not quite as effective after childhood"

Brioche201 re one of my DDs is 14 and hasn't had it yet. A big worry. Although one of her brothers has had it 3 times. Is it worth taking your dd to the doctor to see what they recommend? If anything?

diddl · 24/12/2015 13:55

I wouldn't want to risk it.

TartanBirdFeeder · 24/12/2015 13:59

YANBU, there is no way that their child should come.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2015 14:01

"she tells me today she is still bringing him on Boxing Day."
She tells you? Er, no.

'Sorry X, but we really can't take any risk of being infected right now, and your son will still be infectious on Boxing Day. I am really looking forward to our holiday in January and if anyone has chickenpox at that point we won't be able to go. See you on our return, love and hugs to you all, Genx77'

Merguez · 24/12/2015 14:04

There's a lot of outrage on this thread.

I'd ask her to keep a watching brief - play it by ear.

Explain that you don't want him to come if there's a possibility of him still being infectious - i.e. if all the spots haven't scabbed over.

But you'd love to see them if he's past that stage.

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