MIL hasn't got DD a gift

[kickassangel]

I don't actually know the full details about this, and I am very emotional/depressed right now (hate that I live so far away at this time of year, but would actually hate to have to go home to see family, and then hate that most of all) so quite a high chance that IABU

But - DH went back to UK in Sep and saw his mum while he was there. She gave him some gifts to bring back for Christmas. I'd forgotten about that, and was wondering why we hadn't got a parcel from MIL. She is a HUGE fan of Christmas, and getting and giving gifts is the biggest part of it for her, so I was thinking the PO must have messed up (I know we're missing a parcel from my parents).

Anyway - this eve DH remembered about the gifts and went and got them. One for him, one for me. Nothing for DD. There's been NO communication from her about can we get something on her behalf, or a card or anything.

So, I have no idea if this year she sent something without telling us and it hasn't been delivered, or told DH to get something and he's been a muppet and forgotten, or it's deliberate and pay-back because somehow we/I displeased her.

So - do I rush to the shops tomorrow and get something from her for DD? What if she did send something and it just hasn't arrived? Or are we playing into her hands by doing this?

In other news - my sister also appears to have completely and utterly failed to send even a card for us/DD. But then she tells me she could raise DD better.

It just feels like both our families are conveniently forgetting about us because we're a) far away (in the US) and b) have a child on the spectrum who isn't good enough for them. Both MIL and DSis are very critical of DD's behaviour when we do visit.

Or it could be that they have all been wonderful, but the mail service is causing all this angst. (But they haven't - we'd have got an email from them if they did send something).

kickassangel your mother in law sounds unstable, I don't now if it is worth 'covering' for her. I mean maybe if it is just this year I would say 'Well I know my parents sent something and it's stuck in post so maybe others have too, let's just see what arrives after Christmas.' But next year I think I'd make it clear, send us a gift before Christmas, please, in good time, if you would like to, if not we will just tell child you are not doing presents this year, and we will do likewise, no drama, just the other person's choice.

Caprinihahahaha I am so sorry to hear this, I hope you told your family eventually how very hurtful this was.

Beth so sorry that is shit.

I am afriad if someone were favouring one child and not others I'd have to say not to bother buying for any, please and we won't buy for you. I'd tell my kids that we were buying a special family gift with the money we save not buying for various relatives, or a family trip somewhere nice like Legoland, or whatever to make some memories. I don;t think it's good to let the kids expect anything from their grandparents/auntie or whomever when that person is using gifts as a kind of weapon to show or without love.

If it is forgotten or an accident so be it, cover, this time, if not just say, not playing these games, we'll buy for our own kids thanks.

The thing is - over the years, particularly since we moved to the US and DH's cousins have become adults, there's been a move to reduce the gifts among the extended family. But MIL insisted that she would still buy for DH, me and DD, and that she wouldn't have anyone tell her about who she was going to buy for and how much to spend as we are her 'main' people.

So I can't see how on earth this is anything other than deliberate.

She really is the epitome of someone who appears so pleasant and nice on the surface, but the more you get to know her, the more she digs and digs at you and tries to control everything about you.

kickassangel Re But MIL insisted that she would still buy for DH, me and DD, and that she wouldn't have anyone tell her about who she was going to buy for and how much to spend as we are her 'main' people.

I think you are wasting your energy trying to work out what she is thinking!

Re She really is the epitome of someone who appears so pleasant and nice on the surface, but the more you get to know her, the more she digs and digs at you and tries to control everything about you. And she has got you doing mental gymnastics on Christmas day, so she is good at it! give her a mental round of applause for being good at something so shit, and then think of your plan. Put your energy into your dd and not into MIL.

You can tell dd the truth, you can stall, you can lie, you can substitute a gift or some money, or not. And in your shoes I woudl definitely say next year...

"MIL you can do as you please, we won't be expecting presents but if they come, lovely. We won't be buying any for you as we are downsizing our Christmas."

Then I would spend the money you save on gifts to MIL on your dd or you as a family and do as you like with anything she sends. She only has this control because you are letting her have it (mentally, I mean). She can send stuff or not, you can control how you feel about it and how you present it to dd.

My kids opened loads of things big and small today. Do you know what my son liked best? A bag of sweets, some dried pasta in the shape of rockets, a massive chocolate Santa and a Tooth Fairy game he didn't get to play because he had a meltdown over the 3D Snakes and Ladders first!

He could not have told you who had bought which gift if his life depended on it. He is 5.

DD is 11 and spent all day on her new tablet, she also could probably not have said which gift came from which person.

One thing they both liked were polystyrene gliders in the shape of birds, which probably cost 50p each. I guess my point is that it is quite easy to make young kids happy and your mother in law by all this crap is detracting from it, do not let her do it!

Must go to bed, night night.

Did you say your DD had ASD? It's genetic. There is a chance your MIL also has ASD?

My niece also has ASD and my MIL is in denial about it because she is old fashioned and has very strong ASD traits herself.

In your shoes, I would decide to stop paying the game. So August time, announce that you are doing email cards only for environmental reasons and will stop doing gifts also to lessen your earth footprint. Her grandparents can make a fuss of DD all year round if they wish with phone calls, postcards, emails. You can email DD's drawings to MIL, send photos of her on momentous occasions (her first day at secondary school or dressing up) but still not take part in the gift game. Take control OP. It will give you freedom from all the emotional baggage that surrounds this.

Maybe your mother could start a savings account for your DD if she really wants to give her something.

Also with your SIL it might be that she doesn't understand your DD's ASD. Can you send her links to various ASD girls support websites every time she talks about your rubbish parenting. Infact maybe your MIL needs educating too.

Kickass, is there any chance your MIL could also be on the spectrum?

Ah, I just saw the same thought has also crossed another posters mind.

MIL has v high anxiety, but no other spectrum traits. DH riddled with them, and his birth father is one of the people who MIL dis-owned. He sounded quite volatile so there could have been some un-diagnosed traits.

My family also has a fair number of people, most notably my father, with definite tendencies.

My DSis, btw, was a teacher for many years. She should be accommodating of a niece on the spectrum, but isn't really (I should be stricter, apparently).

I teach in a school with a v high number of diagnosed kids, (DD goes there as well) and have had a lot of training about this over the years. I'm not an expert or a doctor, but I have a lot of experience, far more than when I was teaching in mainstream UK school.

DD is almost a teen, and MIL was absolutely terrible, I mean horrific, towards DH's step-sister and DH when they were teens. Her husband (DH's Step-dad) was the same. Children should be neither seen nor heard, they should be in their rooms doing homework in silence. If they don't get A++++ and perfect reports they will be grounded for years (literally - DH was grounded for two years in spite of getting all A grades). DH had a friend's family offer to let him move in with them until he went to college. His step sister spent years as an anorexic and was hospitalized for long stretches.

I don't think it's an accident that as DD approaches this age, MIL is less interested in her. I'm ready to just detach altogether, but I can see the stress it causes DH to even think about doing something his mother wouldn't like, so we just kind of drift on with minimal contact and the occasional blow-up.

You've evened it up now this year, but if she does the same again, I'd send your DS's gift back to her saying that you don't feel it's fair to give one child a gift but not the other. People who leave out one child in a family like that are shitbags.

Jeez, Kickass - I think your DD is well off without your MIL, she sounds a holy terror!

I hope she never plans on visiting you in the USA, I wouldn't be accommodating her, that's for sure.

I think your drifting plan is probably the best in terms of causing minimal distress all round; is your DH good at keeping in contact with her himself? If not, then just stop reminding him to bother, and don't you bother at all. She's no beneficial addition to your lives, at all. :(

Thumb - he does minimal contact. When we lived in the UK he got fed up and stopped being the one to contact as PIL were never the ones to call us. It was over 3 months before he finally snapped and called. Then we had a huge guilt trip laid on us as she'd had cancer and hadn't wanted to bother us, so she was waiting for us to call.

Mind you, the PIL also managed to sell a house, move area, have a different phone no (before mobiles) and place of work, and be on the verge of buying their next home. All this without one contact to us. If DH hadn't tracked them down via an old email address, who knows how long it would have been? They found it hilarious that they'd moved without telling us, but also made it our fault for not being in contact with them.

DH's gran (who pretty much raised him until he was 5) is still alive. It would break her heart if there was a rift. So, for now, we continue with the drifting along. Once DH's gran is gone (which is a sad but inevitable thought, she's 96) then we may well allow the drifting to get patchier and see what happens.

Kickass - so sorry to hear about all the drama and upset. Even with all the miles / time zones between you, your MIL casts a long shadow over your family, it seems.

This time of year can be so hard for those of us with dysfunctional families. It highlights how difficult and upsetting things are, and of course, brings up so much hurt (past and present). We also imagine that most everyone else is gathered around the tree / dining table having lovely family time while we endure thoughtless (and even cruel) treatment from those who profess to love us.

In your shoes, I would work on my expectations of extended family - which is to say, don't have any! It seems they always can find new and painful ways to showcase their shortcomings during the holidays. Instead, concentrate on your lovely little family, and do your best to enjoy the holidays. Make happy memories together. Teach yourselves and your dd how a loving and supportive family treats each other at Christmas - and forget about the rest of them. In an odd way, that may be easier to do with the distance between you.

Thanks, Early. Yes, that is what we do and yesterday was great. I do feel sad that we don't have a great extended family to share with DD, and I grew up with loads of cousins and aunts and uncles to spend Christmas with, and I loved it. but DD is happy and likes peace and quiet.

Anyway, I feel better now that I've vented and got past it. DD is as happy as a hog and I'm over the upset.

Shit Kick re 8
I don't think it's an accident that as DD approaches this age, MIL is less interested in her. I'm ready to just detach altogether, but I can see the stress it causes DH to even think about doing something his mother wouldn't like, so we just kind of drift on with minimal contact and the occasional blow-up.* that is terrible.

I totally agree with Earlybird re work on my expectations of extended family - which is to say, don't have any! and ...concentrate on your lovely little family, and do your best to enjoy the holidays. Make happy memories together. Teach yourselves and your dd how a loving and supportive family treats each other at Christmas - and forget about the rest of them.

I'd really suggest your dh seeks some counselling and comes up with a plan that works for him and allow him the contact he wishes/needs/feels obliged to.

For you and your dd I would assume you will have just polite cursory contact. If she sends a gift for some and not others I would personally deliver it to the local thrift shop so someone else can make use of it. You don't need to tell her, or dd, or anyone. As far as dd is concerned I would say "We are not sending gifts to grandma and she won't send us any."

If you husband feels obligated to send her something so be it, he can decide. I he wants to keep the peace, in his shoes, I might be tempted to send something that looks good but has little thought in it. A little way for him to gain a victory over her! That's awfully petty of me. But at least that way she cannot make any waves by saying she was not sent a gift.

IMHO, I think your dh should do whatever he needs to do. Once the day comes when his grandmother is no longer around, and if these shananigans continue, he may wish to reassess. This will be much better done with the aid of counsellor! You don't get grounded and emotionally abused for years without some impact on you and I think your dh should seek some help. Well done for getting out from under her clutches, she sounds like a harpie!