To think that my friend is in danger of being one of those MIL?

[kickassangel]

I met up with some friends for coffee yesterday. One of them has 3 adult children (oldest son, about 30, middle son late 20s, youngest daughter age 20 & a student).

She had been really looking forward to Christmas as her middle son just got engaged and was due to turn up today and stay until Sunday with his fiancee. Her oldest son has a steady partner who doesn't have much family so up until now she has always had all her children home for Christmas every year.

Anyway - middle son, who just got engaged - had called from the airport to say that he & fiancee had changed their plans. She was so excited about getting engaged that they were flying to her home town (we're in the US, and we're talking long travelling distances) to see her parents and old school friends to show off her ring etc. They would still be with my friends on Christmas day, but would be arriving in the afternoon and then staying a bit longer.

My friend sent them a text saying how upset she was - she and her 20 year old daughter were both crying - and that they felt they'd been put in second place.

Now. Changing Christmas plans this close is pretty inconsiderate so I can see why she's annoyed. But the comment about being put second made me wince a little. In spite of them being pretty thoughtless about suddenly switching around Christmas, when someone's just got engaged don't you smile sweetly and say nice things? Any other issues can be resolved later (if need be) rather than a load of texts which must surely be lessening the joy of the engagement.

Ahhh a MIL like this is (one of) the reason that myself and my DH plan to move to the other end of the country. She needs to be extremely careful that she doesn't force them away with this behaviour.

Firstly I cannot believe there was CRYING. That's super pathetic.

My mum always has this phrase "Do what makes you happy dear and we'll see you when we can" - whatever she feels, because she believes her kids should be free as adults, to make their own minds up and start their own holiday traditions.

Your friend shouldn't even be thinking who is "first" and who is "second" but when it comes to gaining a daughter in law, her own family usually comes first and you just have to accept it.

And am saying this as a mother of a son!

Mother and daughter crying! Sounds very dramatic.

Thinking about it, it's even more dramatic considering they are still seeing her on Christmas day! All the drama and wailing is just too much for me. I'd be rethinking going at all if I were her son after that performance.

Oh dear. Slightly annoying to change plans so late but understandable that the girl wants to see her parents first. Also they will still be there on Christmas day, in time for dinner? Not a great start and very childish to send a text like that and to cry!!!!!!!!!!

Like I say - this is unusual behaviour for my friend. I hope that once the couple have visited she'll kind of get over it. It's also a one-off for the couple to behave like this. I guess the emotions of engagement + Christmas are getting to them all.

I won't be seeing her for at least another week, but I will ask how it all went (mainly out of concern for my friend).

I just genuinely wondered if I was being odd, not being totally in agreement about how upsetting it was.

I hope I'd feel how Thurlow put it.

I can't see what the couple have done wrong.

They unexpectedly got engaged just like my ds and dil. Her only reaction should be complete support and joy and then completely understand the girl wants to see her mum.

Crying over this and her daughter weeping too. Ridiculous and they are spoiling what should be a happy occasion got her ds.
Pathetic.

Good luck to your friend, she is being ridiculous.

It is really annoying if your kid changes plans at the last minute, and inconsiderate, I am sure his mum had planned all the food etc..

BUT that's what kids do. They feel comfortable at home, and sometimes they just don't think. There's no malice, boys especially change their plans at the last seconds. She should have just reminded him that all food and everything was organised, it's not a nice thing to do, but nothing more.

The crying fit about second place.. good grief, she shouldn't be surprised if she sees a lot less of the young couple in the future.

I would be absolutely thrilled, thrilled, thrilled for my son.

If I was sure no-one was listening, I might mutter to myself, 'Fucks sake, you might have told me before I got all that shopping in.'

I would think it a little bit presumptious of them to assume I didn't have any plans of my own for after Christmas.

And I have to admit, I might even be a bit to hear that in the 21st century, men are still buying engagement rings and women are still running round showing them off.

But hey that's just me and obviously I wouldn't tell a soul, not even my dearest friends for fear of ending up on AIBU.

I have no idea why my daughter might be crying.

your friend thinks its ok for the other family to be 2nd place 2 years in a row??

So sorry, totally the wrong thread