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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at secret santa

23 replies

liquidrevolution · 22/12/2015 12:43

Every year either my DH or I are shafted in the secret Santa that takes place among a group of families. Sometimes there is no gift (me 2 years running) and mostly the gift is rubbish (one small jar of homemade jam when the budget is £10) Its annoying but -meh- we get over it.

But this year it was my 17 mo DD who didnt receive a gift, not even a cheap poundshop toy. Everyone was opening their presents and her little face looked so sad when she realised she didn't have anything and all the other children did Sad. (Its the first time she noticed this so I guess its a milestone of sorts.)

Turns out someone 'forgot' Hmm. Am still miffed about it two days later. So AIBU to not want to participate next year?

OP posts:
cardibach · 22/12/2015 12:45

I don't see how it's possible for this to happen - how can you 'forget' and the still take part? Weird. New friends needed? On the other hand, would a 17 month old really understand?

Original poster
liquidrevolution · 22/12/2015 12:45

sorry just realised I sound ungrateful for the homemade jam but just to point out it was not packaged nicely and was a very small jar. DH would have appreciated a bar of chocolate with it! He got a supermarket chorizo the year before...

OP posts:
WickedWax · 22/12/2015 12:47

Ah that's lousy. No, don't participate in future. Spend the money on yourselves instead.

WipsGlitter · 22/12/2015 12:50

I agree - stop taking part. Or before it starts ensure there are presents there for everyone and name and shame the people who 'forget'.

knobblyknee · 22/12/2015 12:51

YANBU. I'd say something and then decide whether to leave or not. You might not be the only one that fed up.

thelaundryfairy · 22/12/2015 12:58

I would retire politely from the Secret Santa next year. Maybe suggest an alternative activity (e.g. the children decorating Christmas biscuits).

KakiFruit · 22/12/2015 13:01

YANBU. It only works if everyone buys and receives one present.

MerryMarigold · 22/12/2015 13:13

YANBU. You should have stopped when people 'forgot' before. Just say you don't want to do the gifts next year and maybe take dd over after the gift giving time. We had one recently for a fiver, and I managed to get a nice heart shaped picture frame in Tiger and a build yourself robot. My dd got a fluffy lockable diary. There is plenty of nice stuff you can get for even a fiver.

FairyFluffbum · 22/12/2015 13:15

She probably didn't notice as much as you think. My dd was 20 months last Christmas and had no idea. Just wanted to play. But it doesn't excuse the behaviour.

Don't do it next year

Tinseleverywhere · 22/12/2015 13:16

Yes I think you should stop taking part after your dd was forgotten. Secret Santa can be fun, but only if everyone buys something nice and doesn't forget.

shinynewusername · 22/12/2015 13:17

YANBU. The secret santa organiser must ensure that there is a present for everyone which is why they are a complete PITA to organise. How did the 'friend' who 'forgot' have the nerve to take a present Xmas Hmm? S/he should have sacrificed their own present so that your DD had something to open, even if it wasn't age-appropriate.

They sound like tossers - don't join in next time.

Moln · 22/12/2015 13:19

Does that mean that the same people get you every year? Which isn't the right way to do Secret Santa - mostly so the crap buyer (or absent minded buyer) gets for different people; spread the rubbish out fairly!!

Don't take part anymore.

gabsdot · 22/12/2015 13:25

We used to do Secret Santa in our family and 2 years in a row my husband didn't get a gift. One year SIL got 2 gifts and the other year I'm not sure what happened but no gift for DH. Now were are a pretty big family but still.
We don't bother any more.
I feel bad for your DD. Definitely opt out in future.

MaxPepsi · 22/12/2015 13:25

We do a SS between friends.

Now, after years of shit presents with no thought, the giver is a Secret, but we have a little list of things we would like. The budget is £15 so things like latest CD's, bottles of your favourite tipple, fluffy socks, new pj's, bubble bath etc

People then have an idea of what to get and no one is disappointed when they receive a 3for2 naff smelly item from Boots!

I'd suggest this for next year, and if anyone complains then bow out!

Sansoora · 22/12/2015 13:26

OP, I took part in my first and last Secret Santa a few days ago.

I feel your pain. Flowers

OVienna · 22/12/2015 13:28

Who organised it? I would ask them what happened to DD's present if they haven't already realised what happened (although they should have.)

I am very curious what was said to you as well, when it became clear there wasn't anything for her. I think it's quite shit actually.

Is there a visible difference between your gifts and the others'? Maybe everyone thinks they're getting shafted and it's time to call it a day....

Original poster
liquidrevolution · 22/12/2015 13:39

Nope not the same people each year, its random we have learnt to have low expectations. I make a point of trying to get something nice for the person I am buying for but I know not everyone has my standards.

DD did notice and its not me projecting (also this was noticed by one of the other party members who has only met her a couple of times). She is a bubbly, happy girl and was quiet and subdued after everyone got their presents and spent about an hour sitting on my lap and not joining in the games. Whereas before she was confident enough to go off on her own and generally ignores me at parties as she is having too much fun. Unfortunately I was bought a spiraliser so I couldn't let her have my present.

Thanks for the suggestions will have a chat with a family member who is 'in' on the organisation.

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 22/12/2015 13:40

When I had to organise a Secret Santa, I had a couple of emergency presents to hand, in case of 'forgetfulness'.

The following year, I persuaded the adults to choose Good Gifts for charity, instead of giving each other a load of random crap we don't want presents. We now have an annual tradition of choosing the whackiest charity gifts we can find in the Good Gifts catalogue, which is much more fun than having to pretend to be pleased with bath salts. I admit to doing this primarily to get out of running the secret santa, but it's nice to be doing good as well Xmas Grin.

The kids still get gifts but that's easier because you can ask the parents for ideas that they actually want.

Draylon · 22/12/2015 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdie85 · 22/12/2015 14:42

That's really shitty behaviour, and even shittier that it's not the first time! How can you forget to get someone a present when you only have 1 to buy?! Grrr. How many people are in the SS?

whois · 22/12/2015 15:00

Who organised it?

Just ask them to ask the person who was meant to be buying your DD's gift to put it in the post since they forgot to bring (buy) it.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/12/2015 16:01

I feel your pain - I always get shafted.
I'm not participating in SS any more!

SeriousLook · 12/12/2017 08:12

I know this is from years ago but in case anyone reads this thread, I just wanna let you know that it WILL have affected her.

When I was a kid, and something was handed out, I was left out, and I had dreams afterwards of my parents leaving me out with stuff. I used to sneak downstairs and take stuff from the fridge to "make up for it" when I had those dreams.

So even though it's been a while, if you haven't done this, I seriously suggest that next time your daughter is going to be given something (e.g. a birthday present), get 2 and clearly explain that it's to make up for one she missed years ago during Secret Santa.

I don't remember everything I did at 17 months, but I remember flashes of it. And no, you're not being unreasonable. I'm not going to use the daft lazy YANBU abbreviation.

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