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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish people wouldn't suggest fostering

63 replies

swansolistice · 22/12/2015 09:47

Hello. I probably am being unreasonable as I recognise people just want to be kind, but - even so, AIBU to wish people would stop brightly saying 'you can always foster!'

Context is, need fertility treatment to conceive. Initially went to an adoption information evening and decided it just wasn't what we wanted (amidst a few tears of course!)

Now preparing for fertility treatment in the new year. All self funded, which is why with close friends we've just been honest over Christmas and explained that we just can't afford much because all the money is going into this, and that we want it to work but it might need several tries and people keep saying 'you can always adopt!' We explain this isn't for us. And peoples immediate response is to try fostering?

I suppose I'm just getting a little fed up with having to tell people fostering isn't the same as being a parent in any way and it doesn't replace a family of our own no one could take away.

Am I being overly harsh in being sick of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
swansolistice · 22/12/2015 11:22

Thank you very much for your supportive comments and your kind wishes :)

I understand why adoption is suggested and we did consider it but having looked into it a bit more, decided it wasn't for us, but as someone said, fostering is entirely different to having your 'own' child (whether through birth or adoption) and wouldn't replace us not being able to have our own family!

Hopefully we will :)

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 22/12/2015 13:27

For lots of people fostering is very different to having your own child but that's not how it is for us. For us it's only a little different as we are long term carers to a child who will never return to family. They have been with us 12 years and are going to uni next year.

We genuinely feel as close in love and care as it's possible to feel. They are adored and treated entirely as family to all our family. I'm just writing this as very occasionally it does happen.

I very much hope you can have your own children and wish you all the best Thanks
I hope no one makes further insensitive comments.

I also get them a bit from the odd person over the years - "will you give them back when you have your own children" (said in front of them and when I was much younger), "you'll never know what it is to be a real mum" Hmm
"Do you think they'll still keep in contact with you when they're adults". I've had all sorts of crap over the years.

Original poster
swansolistice · 22/12/2015 13:29

But did you go into fostering with the assumption that the child would become yours, Laurie, or was it something that naturally evolved as time went on? Fostering is an incredibly worthy thing to do but to me, it isn't being a parent - adopting is, and so is conceiving one of course.

some awful comments you have had Angry

OP posts:
knobblyknee · 22/12/2015 13:31

YANBU. People dont know what to say to you. Condolences seem like a sort of one upmanship, or like you have a cancer diagnosis.
Maybe we could think of a better thing to say? Flowers Chocolate

LaurieFairyCake · 22/12/2015 13:33

We were initially approved on the Monday as short term carers and then on the Tuesday afternoon we met them. We then had to decide right that second to go long term forever Smile as that's what they needed.

So as close as can be.

Original poster
swansolistice · 22/12/2015 13:33

For me, just wishing us well with the treatment is the best :)

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 22/12/2015 13:35

I do think of myself as their parent in every way that matters. I understand you don't (and the local authority have parental authority legally. We have delegated authority).

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/12/2015 13:53

I think to say it before you even embark on fertility treatment is crass. However, dsis had about 5 failed IVF attempts (self paid for) and was extremely depressed about the thought of never becoming a mum. I raised adoption with her in an "is this an option for you or not ?" way. She wanted someone to talk it through with who wasn't her dh and found it helped. She now has 2 adopted sons. It was right for her, it isn't for others. But if she'd rejected the idea of adoption i wouldn't push fostering as an option. People want to offer solutions and mean well I suppose. But to constantly be on the receiving end must be tiring.

Kitsandkids · 22/12/2015 14:29

I came on to say pretty much what Laurie has said. I'm a foster carer and my 2 boys are 'my' children. I am their parent in their eyes. They initially came to me as a short term placement but they were going to be moved onto long term, so it seemed silly to put them through an upheaval when they could just stay with us. I do everything for them that a parent would/should and don't tell people I'm not their biological mother unless there's a real reason to do so. No, for some foster carers it's not like being a parent, but for me it is.

That said, I do understand the desire to have a baby. I'm still hoping it will happen for us (nothing medical diagnosed but been married 8 years and no baby has arrived!), but if it does it would be a baby brother or sister for my 2 boys, not a 'replacement.' Mainly because I would like to start from scratch with raising a child, to enjoy them right from the beginning, rather than a real desire to have one biologically related to me.

Justaboy · 23/12/2015 12:51

swansolistice Well i really do hope that the treatment does work for you and can understand the way you feel being the dad of three wonderful DD's

However if that shoudl fail I do know of two couples who adopted it was quite hard going the them I had to help write references for one of them etc but they are now very happy families and have given a fantastic life to the children concerned.

One of them is mixed race and had a horrible life as a young child she was kicked around by her abusive parents if you can call them that! but has now got 11 odd GCSE passes at A starred levels and is on her way to excellent A grades and wants to study medicine!. The other had a mother who was a heroin addict and is now on his way to a decent apprenticeship their lives have been totally transformed by the parents involved, so I can only suppose if it shouldn't work as you hope there is an an option and hope;)

Original poster
swansolistice · 23/12/2015 12:56

Justaboy the decision not to continue with adoption had little to do with the academic or otherwise ability of the children concerned, it was more because of the overriding message that 'this isn't really your child' that came through.

But that is different again from fostering.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 23/12/2015 13:00

Yes OK understood!.

Norest · 23/12/2015 13:04

Well...it is kind of sad that there are so many childless people out there who want children and so many children without parents. Shame the two different 'sides' can't be matched up more often.

MrsDeVere · 23/12/2015 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EponasWildDaughter · 23/12/2015 13:11

Norest - i see what you're saying, but it's a bit too simplistic to look at it that way though.

''there are so many childless people out there who want children ...''

But many want their own children. It is ok to only want your own biological children.

Many people have kids of their own and are in a position to adopt but don't. That's a shame too isn't it?

EponasWildDaughter · 23/12/2015 13:12

Sorry, that was probably a bit touchy of me.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 23/12/2015 13:21

What is with people feeling able to comment when it comes to fertility? We're having some issues TTC, and some of the crap I've heard! You have my every sympathy OP. And several eye rolls. It doesn't matter that people are 'trying' to help. That said, frequently I think it's more a case of they need to feel that they've said something, to feel good about themselves rather than to actually help you.

Best wishes for your journey.

totalrecall1 · 23/12/2015 13:22

I get what you are saying op. I think a lot of people think adoption is like it was 20 years ago, they don't understand how it has changed substantially in terms of contact with birth parents etc. I think if you explained (not that you have to) why it is not for you people would understand.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/12/2015 13:41

Fostering can be like being a parent or at least the same as having a family when you have no one. When I was fostered, in one placement, not so much the others, I felt like I had a DS,ily and my "mum" treated me like hers Sad.

Having said that it isn't wrong of you to be upset. People just want to help.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/12/2015 13:42

Family*

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 13:46

Good luck with your treatment. YANBU

expatinscotland · 23/12/2015 13:58

norest people with children can also foster and adopt, neither one is exclusively the domain of people who are infertile Hmm.

Best of luck with your treatment, OP.

mudandmayhem01 · 23/12/2015 13:59

I got a glimpse of how insensitive people can be, chatting away inanely to my hairdresser about Christmas arrangements, said how excited my nephew was to be spending time with his cousins, and how him and my son are like brothers cos they are close in age. He said how selfish it is to have an only child! ( selfish cow my sister having secondary infertility!)

WeAllHaveWings · 23/12/2015 14:22

Offering up adoption or fostering as a magical solution is insensitive, asking if you've considered it less so.

My dsis went through the adoption process and was approved before, after a lot of soul searching and tears, deciding it wasn't actually for her after all. A relative suggested she should get a dog Hmm, when she said she couldn't as she worked full-time they actually asked her how she would have coped with a dc then? Shock

Some people are genuinely trying to help, others just don't think before opening their big mouths.

tilder · 23/12/2015 14:31

I get where you are coming from. Until we had trouble ttc I really wouldn't have understood though. I remember saying some of the most dreadful clangers to friends who were post mc or following failed ivf, meaning well but totally missing the mark. I just wanted to help.

The experience of ttc and failing did change that as did lurking on the conception boards. It is a very painful place (not the boards!) and i now put the kettle on and listen. I only offer advice if asked.

Hope everything goes well next year.

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