Keen for your wise words of wisdom please mums netters!

[bean123]

Hi there
I'm lying awake over analysing the behaviour of my brother and sister in law. I am an only child and this year my husband and I were blessed with a new nephew. Very exciting for us and our kids - this is my husband's only sibling and our very first cousin for our three children.
However as the first 10 months of his life have gone on, we just aren't getting to see him as much as we like.
When he was born they just wanted to bond with the baby so we used to just drop food round on the door step. We were allowed in a couple of times but that was it....we did say how we really wanted to have a part in his life.
They have moved house and we've not been invited round once. We dropped stuff off again twice but never been actually invited.......it's not just us! They do it to everyone but not sure why. ....they were like this without a baby too to be fair. .they come to ours about once a month, have a key and are told over and over again that they can come and stay whenever they want.
We sent him A little parcel for his first Halloween, an advent Callander, arranged fOr Santa letters and now lots of presents for Christmas.
They've said they want to spend every Xmas morning by themselves which again is fair enough, we are spending it with my parents and in laws......it all sounds so petty when I write this down. Our children are older and their aunt and uncle seem to have their hands full with their almost one year old and I guess the bottom line is I'm feeling bad for my kids that they don't seem to have any special relationship with this part of their family. My bil and sil don't really see anyone from our families much as don't like the baby to travel much. We have a big cousin weekend away with our cousins and they want to know all the details but have decided that they are going away by themselves and don't want to commit to a weekend with us but want to be included next year.
I'm just a bit fed up now with continually tip toeing around them, organising all get togethers, family presents from us all to older relatives....the baby will be one next year. The mother is a control freak, I see that. But I'm harbouring a growing ill feeling towards them as there's not a lot coming back. They don't ask much about our kids or what they are up to....I guess bottom line is I feel really hurt. I don't want to say anything to them as we have tried in the past and know it won't go down well and also want them to want to be in our lives because they want to not because of a sense of duty if that makes sense....!luckily we have cousins and friends who are amazing with our kids so feel so fortunate......the flip side is that almost highlights how rubbish our bil and sil are in comparison though.......any advice on how to stop these bad feelings about them and how to just move on please?
Thank you!

Well done op - just maintain a polite but distant relationship with them - you say they were like this before the baby so it shouldn't really have been a surprise. Maybe they'll be more open as their child grow up, maybe they'll keep their distance, there's not much you can do to influence it either way

OP you sound like everything is well intentioned but I agree with PP you need to back off.

I was extremely close to my brother. He came everywhere when we went out as a family.

He met sil, they had kids and I see him about twice a year now. Once over Christmas. I don't get on with SIL, she is controlling and has made clear her family come first.

When dbro met her I was very careful to not overstep boundaries. I used to organise all our parents presents at Christmas and birthdays but when he met sil I asked him what he wanted to do. I didn't assume they would still want me to organise something.

When their baby was born sil told us we weren't to come round for the first two weeks. It hurt but I said that was fine, whatever she wanted was good with us.

Not everyone wants a fuss or family round a lot. Some people want space and distance.

The more you push it, the more they will pull away.

I know you are excited to have a new nephew, but the child is their son. It may not be the way you expected it to be. But you should accept it is what it is.

Mum always thought her house would be full of grandkids at Christmas. With her kids and their partners.

It's not like that at all. She spends one year with us and one year with them. Every year she spends with them they try and cancel right up to last minute.

But she accepts it is what it is. That way she isn't say over analysing they why and what ifs.

Aw bless you sound sweet but I'd be running a mile too. Some people just don't want close relationships or uninvited guests. I had a friend like you for a while but I think she has gotten the message and has cooled off a bit phew. We have had our Christmases mostly just the two of us for 30+ years just the way we like it. You wouldn't want us in your family lol.

"CY

I suggested counselling because of the level of anxiety and obsession (Op lying awake fretting and asking how to move on)."

Ditto. I was awake then due to my own anxiety though agree I could have put it more gently. Counselling means I'm not anxious all the time but this is a bad time of year for me for lots of reasons.

Much respect to the OP for taking the posts well and considering the advice. Can be rare on aibu.

I was close to aunts, uncles and cousins when younger but not now, sad, way it goes sometimes.