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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry this is going to ruin my relationship with ds?

22 replies

Givinguph0pe · 21/12/2015 21:55

I'm 33+4 pregnant and have been in an out of hospital for the last week. Back in again today. Ds is 6 and we are very close. It's really upset him and it's breaking my heart. He's been so excited about Christmas and now it looks like I will be in hospital for it. Who even knows if the baby is going to survive when she eventually is born. I feel like I've ruined everything in my desire for a second child. Ds was perfectly happy before.
I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

winterswan · 21/12/2015 21:56

No! Of course it won't

Ineedahug · 21/12/2015 21:58

he won't remember any of this 2) having a sibling is (mainly) great!

sunnyawry · 21/12/2015 22:03

You poor thing, do you have a partner looking after DS, can he bring him to have alternative Xmas in hospital with you? It won't ruin your relationship, he will be ok, after a good cry I hope you feel a bit better.

Original poster

Givinguph0pe · 21/12/2015 22:03

He's 6 - he will remember something of it surely?
I feel so guilty and sad. It's adding to not knowing what's going to happen to the baby.

OP posts:

heavenlypink · 21/12/2015 22:05

Any chance of you being allowed out for a few hours at least on Christmas Day?

CherryPits · 21/12/2015 22:07

One thing at a time. Try not to get over-wrought.I know its impossible but really focus on staying calm and breathing and resting.

And everything else, will fall into place.

Best of luck on all fronts.

Original poster

Givinguph0pe · 21/12/2015 22:07

I don't know. It's all a bit up in the air. Mil will be pleased at least as she will have dh and ds to herself. That will please her immensely. Although she will be less pleased if her next grandchild dies.

OP posts:

PuntasticUsername · 21/12/2015 22:07

It will be fine. A really special story that you'll all talk about, every Christmas in years to come!

More generally, it sounds as if you may be having a wobble about whether you are doing the right thing having another baby; of course, it will change things for you and your DS, that's inevitable, and of course he's upset that you're poorly now. That's always going to be a bit scary for him. But he'll love his little sister to bits, and he'll love you for bringing her to him.

Have that really good cry you're having, then have some and some from me. It'll be fine, really.

whois · 21/12/2015 22:08

Can your partner make it into an adventure with DS? In a 'how shall we make Christmas fun for mummy in the hospital? I know she would like to see you open some presents. Maybe we could take her some turkey too?"

Then he can celebrate with DH and any hand parents or anytime earlier and then come and bring Christmas v2 to you.

Also, old even if it is not the best Christmas for him - there will be many more to come!

Blueboys · 21/12/2015 22:10

I hope that you and your daughter will be OK, sorry to hear things are notgoing well. Your hormones will be going crazy at the moment but your son will be fine. IF he remembers any of it I'm sure it would just be funny stuff, what toys he received, pulling crackers with his mummy in a bed type stuff.

turningvioletviolet · 21/12/2015 22:10

I spent 5 weeks in hospital before dc3 was born - Dcs 1&2 were 9 and 6. They were fine. Our relationships were not ruined. Furthermore they coped admirably with the subsequent 11 weeks dc3 spent in SCBU.
I hope things work out ok for you.

wellthatdidntgotoplan · 21/12/2015 22:14

I was in a similar situation of not knowing whether my baby would survive. That was quite enough stress and I didn’t have other children or Christmas to worry about. I do know that it's very easy to say and incredibly difficult to do but please try and keep calm and focused on what really matters. Are the hospital supportive?

LindyHemming · 21/12/2015 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/12/2015 22:16

Oh sweetheart. you couldn't possibly have known it would end up like this. your ds wil be ok. he will recover from this. from your posts I'm. more worried about you.

don't give your MIL head space right now. your ds will be ok. focus on you and the baby inside you. I don't know what's happening but you need to stop blaming yourself. it sucks being stuck in hospital but if you have to be there take the time to try and rest as much as possible. get dh to bring you in sone food so you have something to eat outside hospital feeding times. so sorry it's a rough time x

Mama1980 · 21/12/2015 22:17

It won't, honestly it won't. My ds1 was 5 when I had ds 2 I was in hospital for weeks and delivered ds2 at 24 weeks I spent that Christmas unconscious critically ill in ICU. I won't lie my son and my elder daughter was terrified and upset. Consequently Christmas was completely cancelled and they were upset but ultimately OK.
And you know what one hell of a fight and 3 years later, my son adores his younger brother, who is his little shadow. They fight, they love like any siblings. And would not be without each other.
My son does remember, so I think your son will too but you reassure as much as you can, you love them and hope it will be ok.
The hardest part was the uncertainty regarding ds2 s survival. I clung to that fact that though we want to protect them you can't from everything. My son and daughter had nightmares about seeing ds2 in NICU but they dealt with them. And what they gain from having a brother is worth a thousand times the fear and uncertainty they felt.
I do understand the terrible guilt but Honestly they don't even mention or refer to that time now really, time helps everything. I had a much harder time getting over everything than they did.
I'm so so sorry you're in the situation, is there family with your son? Can he come to visit?
I hope I've offered some small reassurance and hope everything is well with your baby.

WidowWadman · 21/12/2015 22:21

Don't be hard on yourself, and it won't ruin your relationship with your son, I promise. I spent a lot of time in hospital when pregnant with my second child, as she kindly kept giving me kidney infections by awkwardly kinking my ureters. My eldest was 2and a half at the time. She remembers I was in hospital a lot, but all it his done was making her very interested in hospitals. She came to visit twice a day for short times, before she could get bored.

It's sad that you might not be home at Christmas, but honestly, being poorly is not something you can do anything about, and your son should be able to understand that. It's not something you're doing to him, but something that's happening to you. There were some good suggestions upthread how to keep him involved and make Christmas special.

Hope you and your baby will be OK.

LizzieVereker · 21/12/2015 22:26

My DS1 was 6 when DS2 was born. I remember driving away from the hospital with new DS2 in the car and thinking "Oh God, I've ruined everything, I've spoilt DS1's happy little life". I've just asked DS1 what he remembers (he's 16 now) and he remembers it a bit sketchily, and just the happy bits. He doesn't remember me being poorly afterwards, or any of the bits that weren't great.

Having said all of that, I'm so sorry you're worrying about your new baby, I appreciate you've got extra worries. I'm sure your DH will make Christmas nice for your DS, and when he's 16 I'm sure he will say that he would rather have had you safe and cared for in hospital, even if it meant a different Christmas for him.

I hope things will work out well for you all

CheerfulYank · 21/12/2015 22:46

Oh, honey. It's going to be fine. It's just one Christmas that you may not even have to be entirely gone for. It's okay.

My DS was an only until he was six and he adores his little sister. And the little brother who followed not quite two years later. Oops.

TimeToMuskUp · 21/12/2015 22:52

DS1 was 5 when I was expecting DS2 (who was due on Christmas Day). I spent Christmas Eve in hospital after a bleed so DH had to do all the Santa stuff and they came to see me first thing Christmas morning. You know what DS1 remembers of that Christmas? Putting a whoopee cushion on the nurse's chair in the ward and howling with laughter when she sat on it and squealed. That's it.

Children are incredible things, so resilient and steady. Of course it's going to be hard if you have to be in hospital over christmas, but it won't damage or change anything. DS1 here adores me and his little brother more than anything, despite me missing a Christmas. Try very hard to stay calm and take good care of yourself; it's in DS1's interests that you stay as healthy as can be.x

mommy2ash · 21/12/2015 23:41

You need to take care of yourself and your unborn right now and everyone else needs to rally round your six year old. You don't need additional stress at the moment. All this will pass and your ds will be fine. He is momentarily away from you and that isn't the worst thing that could happen to him

CakeMountain · 22/12/2015 03:31

He will be fine . A friend of mine was in hospital for months with her youngest and has the strongest bond with her little boy. I hope your baby girl is OK.

Witchend · 22/12/2015 08:28

Make sure your ds knows that you will be alright and come back.

Dm had a friend who went in fir a routine op and for some reason her ds assumed she was going to die. He was much older (12 I think). They only found out when another adult asked of he was looking forward to him mum coming him and he replied "I know she won't, she's going to die in hospital"

He'd seemed really calm and sensible, and no one ever worked out why he'd decided that.

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