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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a little hacked off?

15 replies

woopwoopitsdasoundofdapolice · 20/12/2015 17:36

Background is my OH WFH 90% of the time and I'm currently on mat leave with our 3rd (5,2 and 3m). Now I know he is busy when he WFH but, when it suits him, he can always make time to do other things and catch up on work in the evening.

He's a wonderful father/husband but what gets my goat is that if I suggest maybe a walk to the park/coffee/lunch with him and kids (not always with kids though due to school and nursery so a good opp for us to spend some time together with just the baby - we don't get much time just for 'us' these days) then he bangs on about how busy he is and he just can't. However if a friend calls him up last minute and asks if he wants to meet for lunch/coffee/entire afternoon game of tennis then he can do that at the drop of a hat. He doesn't mention it either, it'll just come up in conversation a week later so I'll say - what on the day that you said you were far too busy to do anything?!? Is it me, AIBU to feel a bit hacked off????

tomorrow, for example, he doesn't know that I know he's arranged to meet an ex-colleague for a coffee at 1pm (we are friends on Facebook and she messaged me to ask if I was bringing the kids so even she thinks I'm going!). However when I said shall we try and do something tomorrow he said he can't as he's too busy and didn't even mention meeting his ex-colleague. I know there's no funny business going on, we often meet up with our kids together but why not just say I'm meeting x let's meet her with kids too.

Arghhhhhhhhhh! It's also driving me mad because it's hard to do much with 3 kids at the mo, well it's doable but really hard work so any opportunity to socialise with an extra pair of hands would be great IMO. Anyway, rant over - AIBU???

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/12/2015 17:39

He wants to get away from the family, that's what this is about.

AgentProvocateur · 20/12/2015 17:42

YANBU. I don't understand why so many people put up with shit like this. He's made it quite clear that he doesn't want to spend time with you or the DC. I'd be planning my exit strategy.

Original poster

woopwoopitsdasoundofdapolice · 20/12/2015 17:50

He gets ample chance to 'get away from us' too, football training and a match every Saturday with the occasional 5 a side thrown in! I should also say that he does do stuff with us, Sunday's we like to keep free as a family day. I don't want to be with him every second of every day it would just be nice for him to say yes let's do that and be a bit more spontaneous like he is when friends ask. He is Mr Yes though, if any friends or family ask him for something he's all yes of course. Me however, if I ask for something it's a bloody drag!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

woopwoopitsdasoundofdapolice · 20/12/2015 17:51

And it's not serious enough to be planning an exit strategy! (Yet)

OP posts:

99percentchocolate · 20/12/2015 18:03

My DP WFH 90% of the time too and this was a bit of contention with us for a little while too. He explained it though as not wanting to get into the habit of just leaving work. He struggles to get back into work if he stops for a break to go for a coffee, etc with us and found it was impacting on his work when he did this. I insisted that I only wanted to do it occasionally, but I think we both knew I'd want to make it a weekly thing and he just couldn't risk that impacting on his work. It was nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with us, just his lack of motivation when it came to work.
Have you tried talking to him about it?

lizzydrippingsghost · 20/12/2015 18:04

i would get myself and the dcs ready and then ask him what time are we meeting xxxx for coffee

RubbleBubble00 · 20/12/2015 18:38

Sorry to ask but did he really want 3rd dc

Oldraver · 20/12/2015 18:44

I would get the kids ready and hand them over to him as he is about to leave

And go off and have some time to myself

Original poster

woopwoopitsdasoundofdapolice · 20/12/2015 19:35

Actually 99percent I didn't think of that, also when I put myself in his position as well he rarely sees people these days as his work is all done virtually now. He used to regularly visit clients in his old job and was based in the office so a lot of contact with people. I had the option when I return to work next year to WFH full time but chose 3 days in the office part time for the reason that I wanted to maintain contact with people face to face. I also think maybe he doesn't think more than 24 hours in advance! I sounded out him meeting his ex-colleague by asking for some Christmas card addresses and asked for hers, he gave me the address, I wrote it on the dnvelope then 5 mins later he said oh yes I'm meeting her tomorrow for a coffee. Then when I mentioned the fact that he had said he was busy this week he said it's only for a quick coffee as they were going to be in the same town at the same time (he likes to work from coffee shops sometimes to get out of the house). I then said that I thought she'd be bringing her kids and he hasn't registered that she might do that and be expecting to see ours too! I think men just don't think sometimes, but we all knew that right. Yes we planned all 3 and no issues other than that. Could've a lot worse that I could be complaining about I guess! Oldraver - I'm going to do that next week, need to do some sales shopping, alone!

OP posts:

twirlypoo · 20/12/2015 20:03

I do this I suspect

I wfh and my mum looks after my son 2 days. As im a lone parent, work is the only time I get "off" from my son and so I soemtimes arrange to meet people / goto the cinema when I'm at work. Some days I am too busy for this, some days mu mum will ask if I want to join them for lunch and I will say I am too busy but really, I just don't want to have to be "mum" for those hours which I have carved out to be mum free / work time. It's about head space for me - if I meet her for lunch with my son, I lose the head space that comes with being at work. If I meet a friend / nip to the shops I still have that head space.

Hope that makes sense! I know your situation is different, but just thought Id offer my insight (please don't all flame me, I promise I see my son LOADS and do really work very hard most of the time!)

twirlypoo · 20/12/2015 20:05

I've just read that back and it's gobeldygook

99percentchocolate · 21/12/2015 10:16

Asked my DP about this and he said that arranging to meet friends or ex colleagues in advance but saying no to do something spontaneous with you could also be because it is much easier to arrange things in advance. He said that if he knows he is meeting someone on Wednesday for an hour then he can arrange the rest of the week around this information, doing certain pieces of work at certain times.
If we try to do something spontaneous it can feel like he is skivving (sp?) so is much more on edge as he has work due that he hasn't sorted and planned around. It means he can't enjoy it as much.
He also said that seeing colleagues for a coffee actually feels like work too so he isn't leaving that work "head space" if you see what I mean?
I know how frustrating it is though, especially if you have little ones and just need 10 minutes of adult conversation! I'm terrible for just knocking on the door of the office and talking to him about nonsense.
I work from home too (though only on an occasional basis) and know how hard it is to get into that work frame of mind. Once you start, you don't want to stop because unless you are enjoying what you are doing it is awful forcing yourself back into it afterwards.

BlueJug · 21/12/2015 10:29

If he is WFH he needs his head clear and if he puts a coffee date in he can control it - if there are no boundaries and work time is seen as family time it is very difficult. I am currently supposed to WFH. I have a drink with a "virtual" colleague scheduled for 6pm. I know what I can get done in the time. BUT I have no DP at home and my teen has just got up and is like a drill through my head. He "needs" to get a present for his sister and "can I drive him". It is not the time - I could speare an hour. It is the breaking up of the day, the lack of boundaries.

I love my family but I yearn for an "office" round the corner and when I am there I am there - in control of my own time.

Your DP may not be anything like that but the assumption that his time at work is "available time" rather than business time to be scheduled as and when is not necessarily true. And the assumption that he does not want to spend time with his family and that therefore you should leave is a leap to say the least.

Now, my concentration truly interrupted I shall give up...

BlueJug · 21/12/2015 10:34

"Head space" and "frame of mind" are good ways of putting it.

Think of it like putting on a suit to go to work and then having to take the kids to the park in your best navy work clothes, silk blouse and high heels. Or going in to the office for a business meeting with a client in your jogging bottoms and sick-stained tee-shirt. It's mental "clothing"if you like.

99percentchocolate · 21/12/2015 10:45

YY to head space and mental clothes. DD once interrupted a train of thought by asking me to open an orange for her. I was very irritated (had been struggling on that paragraph for 30 minutes!) as I just couldn't take my work hat off to put "mum" hat on for even a second. I really don't know how DP does it day in and day out.

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