To be annoyed and wonder why she did this?

[Evabeaversprotege]

There's a bit of a back story but I don't want to drip feed so will say SIL and I aren't best friends, but we're not sworn enemies and can (and do) spend time in each others company when we need to.

She & bil live close to us, dhs parents live abroad, and we only really see them when their parents are home for a visit.

She rang dh today, asked what time suited for her to call to the house with gifts for the kids. Dh said he had an appointment at 3.30pm but would be home after 5pm and I'd be home after 6. She said OK etc..

Then when he came home from his appointment found two packages on the back door step.

Why'd she ring to see when suited us if she was just going to come when we were out anyway?

This isn't the first time she's done this. In fact the last time was the summer, dhs birthday, we told her we were out for the morning but in the end dd was ill. So we were at home when she left his gift hanging on the gate - I opened the door but she seemed awfully put out to find us in.

I gave gifts for them which they didn't get as we weren't in. Dh or me will take them to their house, I have no issues with that, but I just can't get my head around the avoidance.

I know she can be very anxious and the only thing I can think of is that she wasn't having a good day and didn't want to face anyone, but in that case wouldn't the gifts have done to another day?

(It's not about the gifts, they're like she buys out of duty)

I'm not going to say anything, I just wonder AIBU for feeling like she was checking to ensure we'd be out before coming to our house?

I get why this bothers you op - I'd be a bit surprised too. We all want to avoid others sometimes, I get that. I do it every so often on the train - my seat neighbour is lovely and we get on well but I sometimes want to just not talk.

I think that when you've put in effort to create a friendly relationship, you then have the capacity to isolate yourself from it occasionally with no negative consequences. However, if you constantly duck a person with whom you have a more distant relationship then you rapidly have no relationship with them at all. In the context of friends, that's not so awful. However, it is rubbish if it's amongst family because you both have to sit and look at each other awkwardly across a room for eternity.

We grew up on a different continent to my mum's family and saw them for a few weeks at a time every year. It was ok as kids, but as we got older there was more of an imperative to sit down and have a coffee and a chat in an adult fashion. I used to feel incredibly awkward about this, but social pressure got me and I sat down and fought my way through it. I now get on really well with that side of the family, because I've made the effort to sustain a good relationship with them over 20-odd years. My sister, on the other hand, decided that she didn't really like the forced aspect of it and so excuses herself whenever she can. On the rare occasions that she now turns up, she gets upset that they don't make a fuss of her but are far more interested in me. Well what did she expect?

You've got to put effort in if you want a friendly relationship, and it is the obvious lack of a wish to make that effort from your SIL which I imagine you find hurtful, op. Sadly she's entitled to her feelings, so I think you need to dial back your hopes and just be grateful for what is. Sorry

Like VocationalGoat, I'm your SIL.

You experience her as avoidant; she possibly experiences you as overbearing. You are irritated that she avoids spending time with you, while she may feel oppressed by what she experiences as your sense of entitlement to her time and attention (on the grounds that she doesn't have any other family to demand it, so what's her excuse?).

You are temperamentally different from one another.

Nobody is obliged to (want to) have a close relationship with you or your kids, I'm afraid, whatever their own family circumstances. It may be hurtful, but as others point out, you're not crazy about your SIL either. Sometimes the relationship is there, sometimes it's not.

I wonder whether you had a close family growing up, and DH did not, and there is a mismatch in expectations here?

Yes, I'm from a large family, theres just dh & her.

I sent her a text message thanking her for the gifts (it was home made ginger biscuits) & saying we'd see her over Christmas when PIL are home.

She emailed me in response to say she'd see us then but please don't buy them gifts as they're trying to be less materialistic.

So that's that. Thanks for the advice. I don't think overbearing with her, I try to welcome her (I don't drink herbal tea but keep some as she drinks it) but I can see how it might come across as me pushing it.

A couple of years ago she told us she was fine with having her parents live abroad and 'having no family' here as the church society was her family. I guess she meant it.

Thanks for all advice though, I guess I ABU and will take all comments on board.

I can't understand why anyone would be annoyed enough to post about this especially given that she suffers from anxiety. Why so pissed off, sounds like she made the best choice for all concerned really.

Nicki because for some people, extended family is very important. Pretty simple really.

This is such a non-issue and you wouldn't worry about it if it wasn't for the fact that you didn't like SIL. Maybe something came up and she couldn't go round at a time when you were in, maybe she was deliberately planning to come when you were out, maybe she originally intended to go when you were in and then couldn't be bothered to make conversation, maybe she misread the text.... who cares? if you'd replied saying yes it would be lovely to see you, we'll have to have some tea and a catch up this would be rude, but it doesn't sound like that was the case. The fact is, she's brought your kids some presents. The correct response is thank you very much. That's it.

I think different people have different ideas of what 'family' is and means.

To me, family = my parents & siblings & any surviving grandparents. Aunts, uncles & cousins are pretty peripheral.

I certainly don't consider my in-laws family. DH's family is DH's family; my siblings-in-law are people my siblings have chosen to start their own, separate families with. We send Christmas cards & see each other maybe once a year but that's about it. There's no acrimony - we're all pretty happy to keep in touch now & then & get on with our lives.

When I've been involved with people from close extended families - particularly where there are lots of expectations around social obligations, presents, frequency of contact, etc - it's made me feel trapped & a bit panicky. What's cosy to some people is claustrophobic to others, depending on what you're used to.

How important can she be?! She doesn't even like her.

I think for a lot of people the principle of extended family spending time together is important - whether or not you like one another.

I don't get it, either.

The way I see it is she doesn't like you - and it's all perfectly mutual - but she doesn't leave your child out. So, she's not the worst.

My SILs - for contrast sake - decided that after years of accepting presents for their kids for Christmases/ Birthdays/ Christenings/ Communions/ Conformations, now that DH and I had a child there was too many kids to buy for so they weren't going to get our child anything. How many, many, many kids are in the family that ours pushed it to breaking point? Five. Not including ours because they didn't we dont speak to them anymore. For a few reasons.